Satan Buys Pardon from Trump for $8bn

In a ‘not very surprising’ move it was revealed today that outgoing president and all-round shithouse Donald Trump has agreed to issue the devil with a presidential pardon.  The full and complete pardon will be rushed through ahead of Trump’s presidency expiring in January 2021.

Whilst the move to legally exonerate Satan from all his earthly evil-doings was never announced by The White House, it was discovered when a whistleblower handed over private bank account details to the cub investigator from the UK comic The Beano.

The documents clearly show a sum of $8bn being transferred from Beelzebub Holdings (Satan’s Swiss bank account) to Trump’s secret Chinese bank account that has the account name of ‘Fukemall, Screwem & Run.’

For those unfamiliar with Satan, he has been operating on Earth for a considerable period of time and is reputed to be responsible for some, probably the majority, of the evil deeds that befall the planet. The self-proclaimed ‘fallen angel’ has yet to be brought to justice, although law enforcement and religious organizations in many (not all) countries have been on his trail for centuries.

But Satan has always somehow managed to evade capture. This is thought to be because he has always been close to those in positions of power, and a member of an establishment that closes ranks to protect one of its own when under threat. Satan is a fully paid-up member of the Republican Party, a staunch Catholic, and a member of the UK royal family.

When pressed to confirm whether the story was true, and faced with the irrefutable evidence of the cash transfer, Trump had nowhere to run and admitted that he planned to pardon the devil.

“Okay, I’ve trousered the money,” confessed a far from contrite Trump in a hastily assembled news conference in the dumpster compound at The White House, “But so what? Satan gets a terrible press but he’s not all that bad. I’ve done far worse things than him. At least he’s not an adulterous, narcissistic, hooker-using, greedy crook. The guy’s no big threat anymore. All he wants to do is settle down in Florida and enjoy his retirement, with the occasional Satanic orgy, the odd sacrifice of a virgin, and all his followers down there dancing naked around a bonfire for him once in a while. Where’s the harm in that? I need the money for heaven’s sake! I’ve got enormous legal bills heading my way if I’m going to stay out of the slammer!”

However, the news was met with a furious reaction from some quarters. Swiftest to comment was Speaker of the US House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, barking out, “The bastard should rot in hell for his sins…and that goes for Satan too!”

Specifically about Satan, she said, “The guys got a lot to answer for. Look what he did to my face!”

News has just reached the media that the president’s wife / daughter, Ivanka, has opened a ‘Pop-up Presidential Pardon Parlour’ in downtown Manhattan. Aimed at the super-rich and super-wicked market, Ivanka is selling full presidential pardons for $10 million each. Apparently, a queue has already formed outside the front door of the store. At the head of the queue, apparently, is the UK’s naughtiest royal, Prince ‘I like ‘em young and juicy’ Andrew.

Author: David Smith

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