Search Results for: obama
GOD: HUMANITY CURSED BECAUSE OF PACT MADE WITH PAT ROBERTSON
THE HEAVENS – In a rare public announcement, God Himself admitted today that Pat Robertson, who by all rights should have choked to death long ago on his own venomous rhetoric, continues to exist at His whim as an object…
Health Care Bill Passage Assured: Vampires Now On Board
Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — Speaking from Baltimore’s famed Holly Oaks Cemetery, last resting place of author Edgar Allen Polk, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today revealed a strategy so stunning, even seasoned Washington wonks looked up from their pools of vomit…
GOP Opposes Jesus’ 2012 Presidential Campaign
KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Jesus Christ announced today that he is throwing his halo in the ring as a contender for the 2012 presidential race. Rather than commencing with the long-awaited Second Coming, the Big Three decided that He…
French Destroyer Surrenders to Somali Pirates
Paris (GlossyNews) — The French Ministry of Defense this morning announced that a French Navy destroyer, the FS Ouragan (Hurricane), surrendered to Somali pirates after a small outboard motor powered speed boat came alongside and fired a pistol towards the…
Subsidi-Farm Granted USDA Contract to Develop Seedless Pot
Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been granted a federal contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other…
Chileans Worried They Won’t Get as Much Attention as Haiti
“In the news, they said the quake might have moved the earth a bit form its axis thus affecting the length of day. I hate it when that happens,” said a Chilean beach goer.
Discount Abortion Coupons Threaten to Sink Health Care Bill
Washington D. C. (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s purposed Health Care overhaul has encountered a new series of setbacks, after both Democrats and Republicans introduced additional provisions sure to tie the bill up in debate for some time to come.
Cheney’s Heart Conducts Preemptive Attack — Expects to Be Greeted as Liberator
WASHINGTON (GlossyNews) — On February 24, 2010, former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital, three days after suffering his fifth heart attack. A spokesman said that the 69-year-old Cheney, known as “Angler” to his friends, will…
Sarah Palin Is a Woman for All Seasons
Sarah Palin has been called many things: touchstone, villain, heroine, MILF, you name it. What cannot be denied, however, is the fact that Palin is a towering public figure—the sort of lightning rod that people are willing to dance with…
Impeached Illinois Governor to Speak at Northwestern on Ethics
Former Illinois Governor, Milorad “Rod” Blagojevich, impeached for trying to sell President Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat in 2008, and convicted on several federal conspiracy charges including “pay to play” schemes, has been asked to speak by a group of…