Paris (GlossyNews) — The French Ministry of Defense this morning announced that a French Navy destroyer, the FS Ouragan (Hurricane), surrendered to Somali pirates after a small outboard motor powered speed boat came alongside and fired a pistol towards the command bridge.
FS Ouragan, a Horizon class destroyer, carries 8 Exocet anti-ship missles, two Otobreda 76mm super rapid guns and two 20mm cannons, in addition to anti-missle missles.
US Navy Commander Martin Lewandowski, of Portland Maine, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, commented, “This is assinine. Ouragan is a warship, it could crush one of those pirate boats without even firing a shot, or sink it and kill the whole crew with one round from its cannon. I just don’t get the French, sometimes.”
The French Defense Ministry spokesperson, Bernadette Fabrique, stated that French warships are always allowed to surrender if confronted with superior force or a potential loss of life.
Fabrique went on to say, “The naval battle took place off the coast of the Somali city of Baraawe. We are now referring to this action as the Battle of Baraawe.” “The heroic French sailors who took part in this action will go down in history with those patriots that fought at Dien Bien Phu and Waterloo.”
“They were bravely swept away fighting against superior odds for the glory of France.”
Hundreds of French citizens lined the Champs Elysees in tears, proudly waiving French flags and chanting ‘Vive La France’.
UN representatives were quick to point out that the French vessel surrendered without any other shots being fired and no French sailors were actually hurt, with the exception of Aspirant (Midshipman) Louis Delacourt who fell from the gangway departing the destroyer in the port city of Magadishu. Ironically, a French civilian tugboat working for a Somali company in Mogadishu helped guide the vessel into port. In effect, the French surrendered to themselves.
As a condition for the release of the crew, unharmed (with the exception of Delacourt who has a sprained shoulder and a broken leg), the captain of the FS Ouragan, Capitaine de Fregate (Commander) Armistad Jospin agreed to train the Somali pirates to operate the destroyer to include its array of missles, guns, sophisticated radar and communications equipment.
When asked why he would proceed with the training, Capitaine Jospin replied, “The French are men of honor, I have given my word.”
US Commander Lewandowski commented that this type of warship would give the Somali pirates an incredible advantage in the region and would endanger not only shipping that passes through but also aircraft, given the capabilities of the Ouragan’s weaponry.
The US Chief of Naval Operations, in an interview to be aired later today on CNN, said, “I vow to the American People that I will send a task force to Somalia and kick the living shit out of these pirates and sink that damn ship, French or not!”
He was quickly silenced, however, by President Obama who published this offical message:
“The unfortunate events of today should act as continued reminder of not only the dangers in the world, but the continued need for dialog with all peoples. The United States will engage in diplomacy with the Somalis and act for the return of the destroyer FS Ouragan to the French People. This is not the time for blind action. This is the time to show the world that the US stands for peaceful dialog and that no bully will push people around on the playground without strong words from America”.
In related news, the French Ministry of Agriculture announced today that France will fund a new $47 Million program to help Somali companies distill irrigation water from sea water.