French Destroyer Surrenders to Somali Pirates

Paris (GlossyNews) — The French Ministry of Defense this morning announced that a French Navy destroyer, the FS Ouragan (Hurricane), surrendered to Somali pirates after a small outboard motor powered speed boat came alongside and fired a pistol towards the command bridge.

FS Ouragan, a Horizon class destroyer, carries 8 Exocet anti-ship missles, two Otobreda 76mm super rapid guns and two 20mm cannons, in addition to anti-missle missles.

US Navy Commander Martin Lewandowski, of Portland Maine, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, commented, “This is assinine. Ouragan is a warship, it could crush one of those pirate boats without even firing a shot, or sink it and kill the whole crew with one round from its cannon. I just don’t get the French, sometimes.”

The French Defense Ministry spokesperson, Bernadette Fabrique, stated that French warships are always allowed to surrender if confronted with superior force or a potential loss of life.

Fabrique went on to say, “The naval battle took place off the coast of the Somali city of Baraawe. We are now referring to this action as the Battle of Baraawe.” “The heroic French sailors who took part in this action will go down in history with those patriots that fought at Dien Bien Phu and Waterloo.”

“They were bravely swept away fighting against superior odds for the glory of France.”

Hundreds of French citizens lined the Champs Elysees in tears, proudly waiving French flags and chanting ‘Vive La France’.

UN representatives were quick to point out that the French vessel surrendered without any other shots being fired and no French sailors were actually hurt, with the exception of Aspirant (Midshipman) Louis Delacourt who fell from the gangway departing the destroyer in the port city of Magadishu. Ironically, a French civilian tugboat working for a Somali company in Mogadishu helped guide the vessel into port. In effect, the French surrendered to themselves.

As a condition for the release of the crew, unharmed (with the exception of Delacourt who has a sprained shoulder and a broken leg), the captain of the FS Ouragan, Capitaine de Fregate (Commander) Armistad Jospin agreed to train the Somali pirates to operate the destroyer to include its array of missles, guns, sophisticated radar and communications equipment.

When asked why he would proceed with the training, Capitaine Jospin replied, “The French are men of honor, I have given my word.”

US Commander Lewandowski commented that this type of warship would give the Somali pirates an incredible advantage in the region and would endanger not only shipping that passes through but also aircraft, given the capabilities of the Ouragan’s weaponry.

The US Chief of Naval Operations, in an interview to be aired later today on CNN, said, “I vow to the American People that I will send a task force to Somalia and kick the living shit out of these pirates and sink that damn ship, French or not!”

He was quickly silenced, however, by President Obama who published this offical message:

“The unfortunate events of today should act as continued reminder of not only the dangers in the world, but the continued need for dialog with all peoples. The United States will engage in diplomacy with the Somalis and act for the return of the destroyer FS Ouragan to the French People. This is not the time for blind action. This is the time to show the world that the US stands for peaceful dialog and that no bully will push people around on the playground without strong words from America”.

In related news, the French Ministry of Agriculture announced today that France will fund a new $47 Million program to help Somali companies distill irrigation water from sea water.

Author: Reverend Mike

@rev_rend Reverend Mike is a contributing editor for Glossy News. He was a Combat Chaplain with the Soviet Red Army in the 1980s. A career which he describes as an 'unappreciated field of endeavor'. He later worked as an Information Officer with the TASS News Agency on assignment in White Sands, NM. The collapse of the Soviet Union left him unemployed and homeless. He survived by selling magazine subscriptions door to door disguised as a college coed. He was later kidnapped and taken to Shanghai where he was sold into a white slavery ring. He lived as a concubine for a Japanese music industry mogul until 2002 when a wardrobe malfunction revealed his true identity. He found himself homeless and unemployed again, with only his collection of Polaroid snap shots. Reverend Mike has since scraped together a meagre living by blackmailing Japanese industrialists. Reverend Mike lives in a small 5 bedroom penthouse flat overlooking Central Park in New York City. His hobbies include exotic motorcycles, supermodels and owning small nations....

16 thoughts on “French Destroyer Surrenders to Somali Pirates

  1. Talk about false information feeding old prejudices. It was actually a BRITISH ROYAL NAVY ship that allowed 2 Brits to be snatched by Somali pirates from under their noses. Get your facts right

  2. Shame
    They have arms, but do not have the resolve of fighting
    If I were top official at France’s military tried them all and recruited Somali

    It was Egyptian vessels engaged in previous wars until the last shot, and then to the last man

    We must not give in

    Win or die (Omar Mukhtar – Libyan leader led the liberation movement against the Italians)

  3. I don’t get it.
    Is it a joke? (the article, not the news which is obviously false)
    Or, is the journalist that wrote this piece of bullshits dumb enough to acutally believe that a french warship who have been capture by some loosy pirates?
    Damn, you’re dumb anyway.

  4. Is that a joke ?

    With their weapons they didnt blew out of the water those pirates ?

    If this is true, this boat commander should be shot right on spot.

    I’M DEVASTATED!!!!!!!

  6. Funny thing is, FS Ouragan was a Landing Platform Dock ship, retired in 2007.

    Good for a chuckle though….


  7. What’s really sad is that such a headline actually had to be cross checked to verify that it was actually FALSE! I heard Russia just signed to buy some French helicopter assault ships, and they are building a better aircraft carrier than the British, and will be second only to the United States when it’s commissioned. The French Navy is actually fairly competent people, and has a long history of being so; jokes over.

  8. Too bad this was posted just as the French Navy had announced one of the most successful forays against the pirates so far with the capture of both pirates and mother ships–or is this just another neo-con gibe at the French?

  9. thats shameful a french destroyer being captured by the pirates….
    i hope the nato task force can react quickly and rescue the french soldiers form the pirates.a stern action should be taken against the pirates just shoot at them and let them sink dont take them to court finish the business at sea.

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