THE HEAVENS – In a rare public announcement, God Himself admitted today that Pat Robertson, who by all rights should have choked to death long ago on his own venomous rhetoric, continues to exist at His whim as an object lesson intended to teach humans not to tolerate bigoted, ranting nutjobs.
Robertson’s most recent tirade attributing a devastating 7.0 earthquake to a pact made between Satan and the entire island nation of Haiti seems to have precipitated the enlightening declaration made by the Almighty.
He was heard to admit that, though He is frequently tempted to smite Robertson with “a lightning bolt, meteorite, or some catastrophic organ failure,” His forbearance persists due to His hopes that mankind will soon become so sick of Robertson that He won’t have to get His hands dirty after all. “You’re bringing it upon yourselves every time you give him any attention, let alone all the times you’ve allowed him to unofficially represent America.” The Lord added, “Really…do you all have no shame whatsoever??”
The Maker of All also went on to question why so many people, most of whom claim to be His most devoted servants, treat Rush Limbaugh as though he is anything but a spiteful dope-addicted douchebag. He then closed his statement by reminding people that President Barack Obama should not be worshiped in any Godlike manner, no matter how cool he is. “It’s the first friggin’ commandment, people. Not like it’s in the fine print or something…”