Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole
Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice…
Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists
The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during…
Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats
Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t…
GlossyNews Launches Hostile Takeover of The Onion
Around 3:00AM this morning, editors and contributors of GlossyNews snuck into The Onion’s corporate office. Armed with biting words and keen wit they successfully carried out a hostile takeover. As of this morning, all news originating from TheOnion’s website and…
Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs
Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s…
Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date
Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date. “It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one…
Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report
After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago…
UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils
Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths. LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of…
Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement
BATTLE CREEK, MI – America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan…
Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next
Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it…