Posted in Making Headlines

Non-aborted Person Complains About Lot in Life

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Posted in Making Headlines

USDA Spruces up “Nutrition Facts” Label with Cherry Pie Charts

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Posted in Sports

Random Pointlessness Takes the World by Storm

Denizens of the universe have apparently discovered a favorite new sport. Called “Random Pointlessness”, or RP for short, this sport involves a fair amount of hard work and sweat, but nothing remotely resembling intelligence. Random Pointlessness was invented in Pennsylvania…

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Posted in Religionism

Residents of Heaven Complain about Lack of Freedom

Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom. Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all…

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Posted in Human Interest

Sociologists Claim Geniuses Will Take Over World by 2040

Psychologists have recently discovered a disturbing strain of statistically abnormal humans living among us. Allegedly, these genetic mutants have advanced intelligence with I.Q.’s towering as much as 80 points above the rest of us normal people. They have been tentatively…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

GlossyNews Launches Hostile Takeover of The Onion

Around 3:00AM this morning, editors and contributors of GlossyNews snuck into The Onion’s corporate office. Armed with biting words and keen wit they successfully carried out a hostile takeover. As of this morning, all news originating from TheOnion’s website and…

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Posted in Science

Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report

After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago…

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Posted in Politics

Rationalist Party Nominates Neil deGrasse Tyson for President

This afternoon, after polling the five thousand intelligent and educated people in the United States, the recently-formed Rationalist Party announced its nomination of Neil deGrasse Tyson for President. The Rationalist Party was formed in early 2010 by fellows of the…

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Posted in Making Headlines

New Research Shows Bible is True; Scientists Give Up

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

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Posted in Science

Amateur Astronomer finds Hell in Space

It started out as a normal night for amateur astronomer Rick Saty last Wednesday evening. After setting up his 14-inch reflector telescope in his backyard and collimating it (a process in which the lenses are adjusted to bring them all…

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