Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report

After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago on global warming.

As the head of a team assigned by Congress, Dr. Dietrich managed over a dozen mathematicians and scientists tasked with estimating the mean temperature in 2035 by extrapolating world temperature data from the last 80 years.

It took Dietrich’s team five weeks to prepare the report, after which it was sent to Congress and then made public. It was several days later, on August 2, that Carl Bombelli, a concerned citizen, noticed that some of the numbers in the report seemed a bit off. After investigating for several hours with a pocket calculator and a whiteboard, Bombelli discovered what he believed to be evidence that Dietrich had been using completely imaginary numbers. Bombelli reported his findings to the FBI.

On August 5, after advisement from the FBI, Congress convened the Congressional Investigation Committee (CIC) which did a full investigation into Dietrich and his report. After considerable inquiry into the matter, the CIC found that Dietrich referenced the square root of negative one in three of his equations. After finding that no such number exists the CIC concluded that Dietrich did in fact intentionally and maliciously use completely imaginary numbers. The CIC made an official recommendation that Dietrich resign and further promised to consider criminal charges in the coming weeks.

67% of the three people we polled were appalled and outraged but not really surprised that the damn liberals have resorted to using completely imaginary numbers.

We caught up with Dietrich at an ice cream shop in Dallas and asked him, “Did you really use imaginary numbers in your report on global warming?”

“Yeah, so?” answered Dietrich, licking his chocolate covered waffle cone.

“Was it an accident?”

“Of course not!” Dietrich crunched on his waffle cone.

“So it was malicious.”


We left it at that because Dietrich seemed a little confused and a bit agitated. Plus we we wanted to finish our ice cream before it melted.

Author: Leon Hostetler

Mocking the obviously ridiculous that is ludicrously overlooked. For more stories by Leon Hostetler, please visit his satire website.

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