Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole

Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice driver, but I realized I just have low self esteem,” said Franklin, laying down on the hood of his car. “Whenever I let people go, I always assume that their destination is way more important than mine.”

Friends have been concerned for years. “Once I was in the car with him,” remarked Bud Capshaw, an old high school friend, “and he let seventy cars pass. That’s when I knew he had a problem.”

Franklin continued describing his habits. “I’d often give up parking spots even though I found them first, and always let homeless people wash my windows, even if I had just been through a car wash. But letting cars go was my biggest problem. They never gave me a courtesy wave, but you know, why would anyone wave at me? I sucked.”

In an attempt to change his ways, Franklin is undergoing behavioral therapy to improve his confidence, and it seems to be working. “They tell me that if I just drive every day like an asshole, eventually I’ll be an asshole, which is great, because those guys are really confident.”

He said he was becoming a new man. “I used to be late everywhere because of my generosity, but now I’m always on time, sometimes even early. Anyway, are we done with this fucking interview? You guys are boring me.”

Author: Chason Gordon

Chason Gordon is a stand up comedian and freelance writer, whose work has appeared in Strut Magazine, Thought Catalog, The Big Jewel, and Defenestration. He currently lives in Seattle, although is on a month to month lease. You may find him at: and at

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