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Chris Christie Kills Spider, Triggers Collapse of Western Civilization

Chris Christie Kills Spider, Triggers Collapse of Western Civilization

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week.

The spider, which was crawling on the governor’s desk as he spoke to a group of schoolchildren, should have gone unnoticed by his daughter, Bridget Christie. She instead observed her father’s brave demonstration, which sparked the fourth-grader’s interest in pest and insect control. Continue Reading

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White House Administration consults with Department of UAV secretary Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern

White House Administration consults with Department of UAV secretary Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern

Following a previous filibuster of John Brennan’s nomination to be CIA director, the Obama White House is said to be having closed door meetings with Department of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles secretary and well known developmental reconnaissance drone Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern (also known as Compass Cope R).

President Barack Obama is said to be consulting with Ryan after the administration was asked, “Can you use a drone to kill an American on American soil?” Continue Reading

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U.S. considers sending sympathy cards to Syria rebels

U.S. considers sending sympathy cards to Syria rebels

The White House is considering sending sympathy cards to Syrian rebels, officials said, but no arrangements have been made.

A decision to supply sympathy cards would indicate a change in the Obama administration, which has resisted repeated requests to expand its concern in the Syrian conflict that has killed more than 70,000 people, mostly civilians.

The administration is also considering supplying chocolates, fruits, and other comforting goodies along with stuffed animals for the Syrian children that are tending to their wounded brothers, sisters, and parents. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News2 Comments

Shaking in Fear, Oil Covered Congress Presses Obama to Approve Keystone XL Pipeline

Shaking in Fear, Oil Covered Congress Presses Obama to Approve Keystone XL Pipeline

Covered in what appears to be various amounts of crude oil, Congress is increasing pressure on the Obama administration to approve work on the long-delayed Keystone XL oil sand pipeline.

They argue that the pipeline, which plans to carry large volumes of heavy oil from the Canadian tar sands to the southern United States, will help lower the nation’s energy cost, create more jobs, and provide a boost to the economy. Continue Reading

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Obama releases children’s book as ‘full legal basis’ for drone strikes

Obama releases children’s book as ‘full legal basis’ for drone strikes

In response to House Democrats demanding that President Barack Obama release information on the White House Administration’s use of drone strikes, congress was sent a copy of “Our Friend Danny Drone,” a children’s book written by Obama.

Inside sources have provided a preview of the book’s contents. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics2 Comments

Pro-knife movement to arm unborn babies

Pro-knife movement to arm unborn babies

Congress Steve Stockman (R-Texas), pro-knife advocate, has introduced H.R. 1526, the Weapons for Unborn Act of 2013 – a bill to require doctors performing abortions to arm unwanted fetuses with a choice of close combat weapon.

“I have one concern: protecting developing infants from dangerous abortion doctor predators,” Stockman explained. “By arming qualified embryos and fetuses, we can create a safer situation for our unborn children.” Continue Reading

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Pelosi Uses Assault Weapon, Averts Federal Shutdown

Pelosi Uses Assault Weapon, Averts Federal Shutdown

Days after an assault weapons ban was removed from a gun violence bill in the Senate earlier this week, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif, entered house chambers on Thursday, legally equipped with a SIG SG 550 assault rifle.

Pelosi carried the weapon at her side as House members were meeting to vote on a short-term funding measure to keep the government running beyond the end of the month. The bill, which cleared the Senate on Wednesday, was awaiting it’s final passage in the House to avert a shutdown. Continue Reading

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Oil Down on No News

Oil Down on No News

With a lack of signals coming from analysts and virtually no news that could have an impact on crude prices, oil has again suffered moderate setbacks today.

Confounding investors who lack any fundamentals to trade on, Wall Street again witnessed a pull back affecting US crude oil prices.

Analysts say absolutely any news is good for supporting oil. When unemployment figures rise, crude offers a safe haven for investors fearing an economic slowdown, while any improvement in the economy signals potential for increased demand. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News1 Comment

Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word

Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word

President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track “All I Do Is Win” and went on to joke about not being “the strapping young Muslim Socialist” that he used to be.

He followed with “And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a c*nt, right?” He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife’s bangs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics1 Comment

Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act

Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act

With the pending education fiscal cuts, the White House and Congress have cooperated in creating a proactive initiative that is not only financially feasible, but will ensure quality education.

Working with other members of the Committee on Education and the Workforce, Representative Michael Paulson has drafted the We Don’t Care about Our Children Act (WDCAOCA).

The bill has been lauded by the White House and the Department of Education as “practical” and “the biggest reform in the history of the public education system.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics1 Comment

Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense

Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense

AUBURN – After years of internal struggle, a Libertarian activist has come forth and admitted his chosen ideology does not make any sense.

Jon Rockwell, 23, who likes to go by the nickname “Voluntaryist Rand,” told reporters that Libertarianism cannot be reconciled with the fundamentals of human nature and basic logic, no matter how much he wishes to believe so.

“I have spent years trying to back away from this singular point, but it’s no use. Libertarianism was my brother – I loved it, but nothing can stop these little grey cells of mine from issuing a verdict, ” he said. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics10 Comments

How America’s Various Factions View Obama (comic)

How America’s Various Factions View Obama (comic)

How do liberals view Obama? How do conservatives view Obama? These as well as the views of Evangelicals, FOX News, Michele Bachmann and more are covered.

I didn’t cover the socialist or communist view of Obama, mostly because I lack the art skillz to do such things. I hit the biggest bases as hard as I could, and I think I’m sufficiently fair across the board.

Scroll down to see the cartoon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Politics2 Comments

Report: Biden to Become Prime Minister of Italy

Report: Biden to Become Prime Minister of Italy

After weeks of crisis and gridlock, Italians have a new prime minister, and his name is Biden. That is, Joseph Robinette Biden.

America’s vice president was selected for the position after consensus picks such as Oliver Stone and Roman Polanski lost out due to a last minute revolt by Silvio Berlusconi’s People of Freedom Party, which desired to put Monica Bellucci in the position. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News1 Comment

Newly elected Libertarian still hasn’t made friends

Newly elected Libertarian still hasn’t made friends

WASHINGTON— Ready to make America free as possible, New Hampshire’s newly elected Representative of the House, Andrew Oak, walked into Chamber and realized he has not a single friend among the 434 individuals clustered into what was essentially 2 cliques. “All of these faces and not a single one looked welcoming.”

Often lauded for his charisma and charm, Oak attempted to befriend his fellow politicians. He hoped their differing partisan views could be set-aside during the long breaks loaded with cordial conversation and gossip that took place between actual law-making. This was not the case. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics4 Comments

Due to Cowardice, U.S. senators Forced to Spell Title w/ Small ‘s’

Due to Cowardice, U.S. senators Forced to Spell Title w/ Small ‘s’

Americans, sick of the kowtowing and cowardice of their elected officials in the face of NRA intimidation when voting to defeat even the most reasonable of gun control, have elected to force the Senators to use a small ‘s’ in front of their once proud title.

The effect of this new development has been surprisingly humiliating to the Senators…oops, excuse me- ‘senators’.

A visible upset senator James Grabcash, scion of a family well entrenched in the tobacco industry, was almost to the point of tears when interviewed. Continue Reading

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Controversy as Democratic Party Changes Name

Controversy as Democratic Party Changes Name

In an effort to attract the more diverse crop of voters and political revolutionaries emerging in President Obama’s second term, Democrat leaders announced early Wednesday that their party’s name will be changed to “Socialist-Liberal-Progressive-Democrat-Marxist-Leninist-Maoist Party for Pansexual and Botox Patient Rights” on June 1st.

Nancy Pelosi personally unveiled the new title to the press corps, calling its advent “A refreshing glass of Kool-Aid for us all to consume.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

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