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Congress to Pit Literal Donkey v. Elephant to Determine Best Political Party

Congress to Pit Literal Donkey v. Elephant to Determine Best Political Party

Democrats and GOP Anxious to Find Out How Animals That Represent Them Will Fare in Battle For Zoological Dominance

WASHINGTON DC—In a startling attempt to determine, once in for all, which party reigns supreme in US government, members of congress have agreed to let a donkey and an elephant fight to the death in the foyer of the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

The two creatures will be angered by electrical prodding and then released into a small pen where they will be forced to kick, stomp, and smash each others’ bodies until a survivor is deemed victorious. Continue Reading

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Edward Snowden, Known Criminal, Actually a Hero?

Edward Snowden, Known Criminal, Actually a Hero?

The NSA was doing bad things, Snowden knew it even as a low-level contractor, and he blew the whistle. (In)conveniently, Obama has removed “protect whistleblower” from his website, but maybe this makes it all the more poignant.

Here’s this guy, stuck in limbo, knowing that he’s done his best to inform and advise the American and frankly the world public… yet he’s a wanted man. Continue Reading

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Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Continue Reading

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Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Critics on the right and left are calling for C-SPAN to apologize after one of its production crew members wrongly configured Senator Al Franken’s identification bar during a broadcast, leading to heaps of butthurt.

The incident occurred late Sunday evening, when Franken was on the network’s panel to discuss his support for immigration reform. When the identification bar materialized on-screen, it listed him with the title of “Al Franken D-Moron,” rather than the appropriate title of Minnesota. Continue Reading

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Speak English or Go Home, This is ‘Merica (comic)

Speak English or Go Home, This is ‘Merica (comic)

The turbo-patriots like to cling to some notion of America than never was, like saying we’re a Christian nation (we aren’t,) or that English should be our national language (it shouldn’t.)

If you really want to lavish your founders with undue and absurd praise, I’ll take it back a tad further. The Western world was discovered by none other than the small-earct navigator Christopher Columbus, to his tremendous luck.

Had math been as right as it was, which is was, he’d have starved to death in the Atlantic… but no, turns out there’s land there. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Politics3 Comments

Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters

Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters

A U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by Republicans because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.

Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Democratic campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Right insists) signed up the living dead. Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote. Continue Reading

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To Avoid Political Scandal, Devoted Wife Teresa Heinz Kerry Becomes Ill

To Avoid Political Scandal, Devoted Wife Teresa Heinz Kerry Becomes Ill

Just as the media started to descend on Secretary of State John Kerry for vacationing aboard his yacht while Egypt crumbled, his wife had some sort of mysterious seizure taking the spotlight off him.

“My wife is so wonderful she even pretended to be sick”, a teary eyed Kerry said to an unnamed source. “She took some drugs that cause seizures when combined with alcohol and it’s very difficult to find this drug in her system with standard tests!”

Kerry was just starting to be attacked by the news media for taking a Nantucket vacation as Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was violently overthrown from office. The tactic of having his wife become ill has been described as “brilliant” by political analysts.

“Rather than appearing not to care for his job, he now seems like the devoted and caring husband!” said analyst Joe Shempke. “Perhaps he had the ‘sick wife’ thing in his back pocket for just such an occasion!”

74 year old Teresa Heinz Kerry’s condition has been upgraded to good after arriving at the hospital in critical condition.

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State of Indiana Calls In Sick

State of Indiana Calls In Sick

INDIANAPOLIS – Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state.

Even though the state’s population didn’t sound all that sick over the phone, thousands of companies were forced to just fill in best they could and “muddle through.” Continue Reading

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Obama defends U.S. alliance with al-Qaeda

Obama defends U.S. alliance with al-Qaeda

It’s not easy to get an interview with the U.S. President. I had to pretend I was compliant journalist David Gregory, but it worked. Here is our conversation.

Barb Weir: Thank you for granting me this interview, Mr. President.

Obama: I owe you, David, after you suggested that Glenn Greenwald should be charged with a crime for interviewing that spy, Edward Snowden. How could that traitor reveal that the U.S. government is spying on the American people? I know you would never report something like that. We need more journalists like you.

RIGHT: Undercover reporter Barb Weir interviews President Barack Obama. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News2 Comments

Edward Snowden Warns:  National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate

Edward Snowden Warns: National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate

Government whistleblower Edward Snowden warned US citizens today that the NSA has confiscated the cameras of all computers and they are surreptitiously watching all Americans masturbate.

“Even when you don’t think you’re online or even when your computer is turned off the US government is watching you and keeping a record of your activities”, the activist claimed. “When you masturbate you should keep the camera away from where they might see you!”

NSA officials were quick to deny Snowden’s report. “That’s ridiculous!” said NSA Director Keith Alexander. “The only people we watch masturbating are suspected terrorists, felons suspected of terrorist activities and others who may become terrorists!”

Some Americans claim they have seen NSA monitoring them. Ms. Paula Glasscock, a secretary from the law firm of Hoar & Hoar, was masturbating while watching a video on a popular porn site when a video image of an NSA agent popped onto her screen. “The man on the screen said, ‘shit, I accidentally turned my camera on’, then the screen went back to normal!” she stated. “And it was just as I was approaching the big O!”

Alexander neither confirmed nor denied the report but did say, “the law firm Ms. Glasscock works for does business with another law firm that has ties to a company that sells to a business that buys products from Pakistan, a country known for terrorist activities. We may or may not have been have been surreptitiously monitoring her to assure she does not engage in terrorist activities”.

Snowden claims the NSA has hundreds of thousands of videos of people masturbating from Skype, Google, Facebook and dozens of other services.

“If they don’t want us to see them masturbating then don’t masturbate!” concluded Alexander.

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories2 Comments

Confessions of a Former Sarah Palin Supporter

Confessions of a Former Sarah Palin Supporter

Yes, it is true.
I voted for Sarah Palin.
No, not when she was running for Vice President.
Way back when she was running for governor of Alaska.
Posters of her were everywhere in the 49th state.
She seemed genuine, wholesome, the real thing.
Not to mention cute as hell. Continue Reading

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Eric Holder Grabs Justice by the Balls

Eric Holder Grabs Justice by the Balls

In theaters now!

If you liked Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn’s performance in the original 2004 sports comedy, then you are going to love Iron E-Media’s latest release: “DOJBall” (starring Attorney General Eric Holder).

With such memorable lines as, “No one makes me police my own policy!” and “If you can dodge justice, you can dodge a ball,” this summer movie is sure to be a classic. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Talky Pictures0 Comments

New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

A new movement being popularized on Tumblr is seeking to show solidarity with individuals worldwide who feel they are “Trans-Jewish.”

According to other posts on the page, the author is concerned with giving a voice to people such as himself, who were born in the wrong religion but are not being accepted by the world. He recounts his experience of coming out as trans-Jewish to his father with the following post: Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics4 Comments

Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer

Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer

Many supporters of government whistleblower Edward Snowden claim that his girlfriend Lindsay Mills is just an “average” pole dancer with no special attributes.

“I’ve seen Lindsay dance and she ain’t nothing special”, said New York bartender Sal Jennings, 37. “She can’t do handstands. She doesn’t hug the pole in a real sexy way. Really nothing special”.

“I can see why he dumped her”, said 24 year old librarian Stacy Bertalucci. “I’m a librarian and I’m sexier than that!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

IRS Insists Scandal More of a Misunderstanding

IRS Insists Scandal More of a Misunderstanding

Unlike on Wall Street, gross incompetence has resulted in heads actually rolling at the IRS. It’s not that they’re bad people, even though obviously they are, but that they got caught in a scandal even they don’t know how to diffuse.

“Dude, I’m just a file clerk,” said man name-unknown, who we accosted outside the building during the lunch hour. Clearly he knew something, but he wasn’t willing to talk.

Jakob Marjary, a senior auditor who requested we keep his name anonymous, but whose request was denied, explained from the lavish $55 million dollar retreat in Fiji that “basically, all these jackasses who were trying to not pay taxes in the name of not paying taxes? Yeah, we targeted them. I mean, get real, they’re anti-tax people and we’re literally the tax people.” Continue Reading

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Evil Again Seeps Into Our Lives (Not the IRS This Time Either)

Evil Again Seeps Into Our Lives (Not the IRS This Time Either)

Ding dong the witch is back! Blown in by a rouge wind from the north, the bitch whom I literally can’t stand returns.

Even my hopes that the wretched bowel movement of life Roger Ailes would not have any future intent of letting that fact drowning ignorant bitch back on tv have been doused.

The evil talking head spewing nothing but half facts and conjecture returns to continue to fill the empty heads of the brain dead with her distorted and self serving version of history and events. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Politics2 Comments

Obama Drones on about Unmanned Aerial Vehicles

Obama Drones on about Unmanned Aerial Vehicles

Drones actually are the “cure-all” for terrorism.

At yesterday’s presidential press conference, President Obama talked for an abnormally long time about policy shift in his administration’s use of unmanned aerial vehicles in the war against terrorism.

The president’s statements effectively nullified most of the promises made in his counterterrorism speech just weeks ago on May 23rd, many of which focused on restraints on the freedom of drones to shoot whatever the heck they want. Obama himself showed little restraint in his speech, spitting out numerous examples of “bad guys” around the world that need to be “droned down,” ranging from Kim Jong-un and asparagus to Vladamir Putin and country music. Continue Reading

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Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers in Staten Island and across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster.

Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of crusading pipe-fixers donned 1UP t-shirts and sang the Mario Bros. theme song as they surrounded the NSA headquarters and formed a human wall against the leaking ooze, which is believed to have originated in a clogged septic tank in the building’s basement. Continue Reading

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