Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Read more Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

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Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Critics on the right and left are calling for C-SPAN to apologize after one of its production crew members wrongly configured Senator Al Franken’s identification bar during a broadcast, leading to heaps of butthurt.

The incident occurred late Sunday evening, when Franken was on the network’s panel to discuss his support for immigration reform. When the identification bar materialized on-screen, it listed him with the title of “Al Franken D-Moron,” rather than the appropriate title of Minnesota. Read more Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

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Speak English or Go Home, This is ‘Merica (comic)

The turbo-patriots like to cling to some notion of America than never was, like saying we’re a Christian nation (we aren’t,) or that English should be our national language (it shouldn’t.)

If you really want to lavish your founders with undue and absurd praise, I’ll take it back a tad further. The Western world was discovered by none other than the small-earct navigator Christopher Columbus, to his tremendous luck.

Had math been as right as it was, which is was, he’d have starved to death in the Atlantic… but no, turns out there’s land there. Read more Speak English or Go Home, This is ‘Merica (comic)

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Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters

A U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by Republicans because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.

Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Democratic campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Right insists) signed up the living dead. Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote. Read more Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters

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To Avoid Political Scandal, Devoted Wife Teresa Heinz Kerry Becomes Ill

Just as the media started to descend on Secretary of State John Kerry for vacationing aboard his yacht while Egypt crumbled, his wife had some sort of mysterious seizure taking the spotlight off him.

“My wife is so wonderful she even pretended to be sick”, a teary eyed Kerry said to an unnamed source. “She took some drugs that cause seizures when combined with alcohol and it’s very difficult to find this drug in her system with standard tests!”

Kerry was just starting to be attacked by the news media for taking a Nantucket vacation as Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was violently overthrown from office. The tactic of having his wife become ill has been described as “brilliant” by political analysts.

“Rather than appearing not to care for his job, he now seems like the devoted and caring husband!” said analyst Joe Shempke. “Perhaps he had the ‘sick wife’ thing in his back pocket for just such an occasion!”

74 year old Teresa Heinz Kerry’s condition has been upgraded to good after arriving at the hospital in critical condition.

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State of Indiana Calls In Sick

INDIANAPOLIS – Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state.

Even though the state’s population didn’t sound all that sick over the phone, thousands of companies were forced to just fill in best they could and “muddle through.” Read more State of Indiana Calls In Sick

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Edward Snowden Warns: National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate

Government whistleblower Edward Snowden warned US citizens today that the NSA has confiscated the cameras of all computers and they are surreptitiously watching all Americans masturbate.

“Even when you don’t think you’re online or even when your computer is turned off the US government is watching you and keeping a record of your activities”, the activist claimed. “When you masturbate you should keep the camera away from where they might see you!”

NSA officials were quick to deny Snowden’s report. “That’s ridiculous!” said NSA Director Keith Alexander. “The only people we watch masturbating are suspected terrorists, felons suspected of terrorist activities and others who may become terrorists!”

Some Americans claim they have seen NSA monitoring them. Ms. Paula Glasscock, a secretary from the law firm of Hoar & Hoar, was masturbating while watching a video on a popular porn site when a video image of an NSA agent popped onto her screen. “The man on the screen said, ‘shit, I accidentally turned my camera on’, then the screen went back to normal!” she stated. “And it was just as I was approaching the big O!”

Alexander neither confirmed nor denied the report but did say, “the law firm Ms. Glasscock works for does business with another law firm that has ties to a company that sells to a business that buys products from Pakistan, a country known for terrorist activities. We may or may not have been have been surreptitiously monitoring her to assure she does not engage in terrorist activities”.

Snowden claims the NSA has hundreds of thousands of videos of people masturbating from Skype, Google, Facebook and dozens of other services.

“If they don’t want us to see them masturbating then don’t masturbate!” concluded Alexander.

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Eric Holder Grabs Justice by the Balls

In theaters now!

If you liked Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn’s performance in the original 2004 sports comedy, then you are going to love Iron E-Media’s latest release: “DOJBall” (starring Attorney General Eric Holder).

With such memorable lines as, “No one makes me police my own policy!” and “If you can dodge justice, you can dodge a ball,” this summer movie is sure to be a classic. Read more Eric Holder Grabs Justice by the Balls

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New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

A new movement being popularized on Tumblr is seeking to show solidarity with individuals worldwide who feel they are “Trans-Jewish.”

According to other posts on the page, the author is concerned with giving a voice to people such as himself, who were born in the wrong religion but are not being accepted by the world. He recounts his experience of coming out as trans-Jewish to his father with the following post: Read more New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

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Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer

Many supporters of government whistleblower Edward Snowden claim that his girlfriend Lindsay Mills is just an “average” pole dancer with no special attributes.

“I’ve seen Lindsay dance and she ain’t nothing special”, said New York bartender Sal Jennings, 37. “She can’t do handstands. She doesn’t hug the pole in a real sexy way. Really nothing special”.

“I can see why he dumped her”, said 24 year old librarian Stacy Bertalucci. “I’m a librarian and I’m sexier than that!” Read more Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer

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Evil Again Seeps Into Our Lives (Not the IRS This Time Either)

Ding dong the witch is back! Blown in by a rouge wind from the north, the bitch whom I literally can’t stand returns.

Even my hopes that the wretched bowel movement of life Roger Ailes would not have any future intent of letting that fact drowning ignorant bitch back on tv have been doused.

The evil talking head spewing nothing but half facts and conjecture returns to continue to fill the empty heads of the brain dead with her distorted and self serving version of history and events.

Clouding the last chance that I had hoped there was for any function in Washington. Shredding decency and honesty with every vile word that passes through those lips that I know have sucked on the genitalia of the dark prince of hell.

Her latest exploit into showing her true colors is in baiting some poor brain dead follower of hers to kick the ass of Bill Maher for making a joke about her disabled child. While there is nobody who endorses those type of jokes, there is also nobody who condones actual violence on someone for making a joke regardless of what taste it leaves in our mouths.

Oh, and who would be the first to complain if someone made an actual threat against them? Stop rolling your eyes, it’s that shit for brains from Alaska.

Other than alerting those who still possess any level of dignity and respect for the truth to “get the raid”, I am forced to start writing about this dried out and angry heroine of tea baggers and lovers of convoluted English again!

May god have mercy on our souls, and those who she scams out of the last dollars they have in their pockets to enrich herself, as we once again go forth to battle right wing idiocy!

Note: Hat tip to Uncle Bobby for the “get the raid” phrase.

 

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Obama Drones on about Unmanned Aerial Vehicles

Drones actually are the “cure-all” for terrorism.

At yesterday’s presidential press conference, President Obama talked for an abnormally long time about policy shift in his administration’s use of unmanned aerial vehicles in the war against terrorism.

The president’s statements effectively nullified most of the promises made in his counterterrorism speech just weeks ago on May 23rd, many of which focused on restraints on the freedom of drones to shoot whatever the heck they want. Obama himself showed little restraint in his speech, spitting out numerous examples of “bad guys” around the world that need to be “droned down,” ranging from Kim Jong-un and asparagus to Vladamir Putin and country music. Read more Obama Drones on about Unmanned Aerial Vehicles

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Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers in Staten Island and across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster.

Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of crusading pipe-fixers donned 1UP t-shirts and sang the Mario Bros. theme song as they surrounded the NSA headquarters and formed a human wall against the leaking ooze, which is believed to have originated in a clogged septic tank in the building’s basement. Read more Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

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Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant.

The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the U.S. House of Representatives, is being called the “new, softer side” of the Minnesota firebrand.

Standing before the press corps on the veranda of her home with husband Marcus at her side and wearing a full-sized eggplant costume with a green stalk hat, Bachmann explained how she came to accept her identity as an eggplant, something she has struggled with since her early days living in a Kibbutz in Israel.

“I always saw myself as an eggplant in Israel, and believe this change is all for the better. As President Obama continues to ramp up his plans to invade our greatest ally and install Van Jones as dictator of Jerusalem, the country needs a strong advocate for its own defense.” Read more Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

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McDonald’s Fry Cook Filibusters Angry Manager to Avoid Getting Fired

PITTSBURGH — Local McDonald’s “Fryolator” Operator Terrance Yerkovski, in an effort to avoid losing his job, has been filibustering his manager for the past 72 straight hours.

The filibuster, in which the 22-year-old Yerkovski is currently barricaded in the employee restroom while reading the entire Allegheny County phone book aloud, cover to cover, has already surpassed the previous filibuster record set by Former U.S. Senator and Segregationalist Strom Thurmond of South Carolina. Read more McDonald’s Fry Cook Filibusters Angry Manager to Avoid Getting Fired

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Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

The White House is on the defense after President Obama was caught failing to check his cisgender privilege at the announcement of a new cabinet appointment.

According to reports, the president referred to UN Ambassador nominee Norrie Powers as “she,” violating the general principles of respect for unique sexual identities. Powers is in fact a neutral sex, non-binary genderqueer, omnigendered, transman, pangender, aromantic, demisexual and anti-sexual transfag. Read more Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

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