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Michele Bachmann Introduces Revelation Act

Michele Bachmann Introduces Revelation Act

Today Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) introduced a bill to “hasten the coming of Christ and the Revelation.” At a press conference she stated, “It seems to me as good Christians we should be doing something about the Second Coming.

This is the end times, so are we going to do anything or just talk about it? I’ll tell you. The Tea Party is the party of action. Continue Reading

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Tea Party Representatives to Support Work and Education Centers for Poor

Tea Party Representatives to Support Work and Education Centers for Poor

The debate over entitlement, drug testing of children who receive food stamps and student loans took surprising turn on the House floor.

Representative Ted Cruz (R-TX) said, “We were debating the issue of drug testing when somebody said, ‘What would it take to round them up and make them work?’ We had a good chuckle, but someone else said, “No really. Continue Reading

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Collector David Koch Invites Reporters to View His Coveted Cash Heaps

Collector David Koch Invites Reporters to View His Coveted Cash Heaps

Billionaire businessman David Koch, known for his political activism, entrepreneurial prowess and world-renowned collection of money has invited photographers and journalists in to see his private collection first hand.

David and his brother Charles both inherited a large, private collections of money from their father, Fred Koch, the chemical engineer responsible for building refineries which would eventually make their sons world-class businessmen* and even greater collectors in his footsteps. Continue Reading

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GOP Agrees to Raise Debt Ceiling (if 19th Amendment Repealed)

GOP Agrees to Raise Debt Ceiling (if 19th Amendment Repealed)

House Majority leader Eric Cantor and Republican House Speaker John Boehner agreed to a short-term budget and debt ceiling increase of 7-9 days, so long as women’s right to vote is repealed. Democrats considering the measure.

The government shutdown is in its third week, and with the debt ceiling crisis only hours away, House republicans lead by serial killer sympathist Dave Reichert (R-WA) have come up with the first compromise that doesn’t involve de-funding the Affordable Care Act.

“It’s simple,” said Reichert, from his still-fully-staffed Washington office, “If the Democrats agree to repeal the 19th amendment, we’ll allow this rampant, destructive spending practice to continue another week or so.”

Dave Reichert is famous as the man who let convicted murderer Gary Ridgeway roam the streets for decades while pursuing dead leads against a cab driver, who ultimately was destroyed by the scandal.

“We’ll cave to pretty much anything at this point,” said Democratic Senate Majority Leader and wet towel Harry Reid. “They’re [the GOP] ready to drive the entire world economy off a cliff to placate the fringe of their party, and we [Democrats] just want stability in the world.”

When asked if Democrats were once more being spineless in the face of Republican obstinance, Reid answered, “Next question.”

President Obama indicated he would sign the bill, but indicated he may use the line-item veto to take out the part about restricting the right of women to vote.

House Republicans, eager to balance the budget, have repeatedly proposed stripping out the Medical Device Tax, which would add roughly $40 billion to the deficit in the next ten years. It makes no sense, but you have to look at it from their perspective, which is that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim Socialist, and in that light, while it still makes no sense, at least makes you feel something inside.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas went on air late last night saying, “The bill doesn’t go far enough. Women shouldn’t vote, we have enough votes in both houses to prove it. But women also shouldn’t be driving. What is this, Saudi Arabia where a small handful drive sometimes with impunity?”

Imams from Bob Jones University and Focus on the Family agreed that this is only a small step toward resolution, and that when the issue comes up again in about a week, further deep concessions will be required from the Democrats to keep the government from destroying the world economy and throwing a hundred nations into economic turmoil.

Former Speaker, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, “We are open to discussions.”

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Republicans Smoking Too Much Weed Again

Republicans Smoking Too Much Weed Again

Once again Republicans have been having drug deliriums from smoking too much weed. With regards to the stalemate on the shutting down the government (by the way, the WRONG parts of the government have gotten shut down- why are these guys still in the Congressional Hall arguing and not out filing for unemployment?) they have been claiming that the Obama administration has been refusing to negotiate and unwilling to extend a hand across the aisle. Continue Reading

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Romney Legacy: Vowed to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving

Romney Legacy: Vowed to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving

CONCORD, NH – Following a series of primary victories Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to build an America that voters from across the entire nation can truly be leaving.

Winning a significant number of delegates in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware and Pennsylvania yesterday, the former Massachusetts governor insisted that he will defeat Barack Obama in November’s election and implement “hugely divisive” policies that will see millions of Americans return to the lands of their forebears. Continue Reading

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British Prime Minister Apparently Not Tony Blair Anymore, Nation Finds

British Prime Minister Apparently Not Tony Blair Anymore, Nation Finds

WASHINGTON D.C. – During a joint televised address designed to highlight the special relationship between the United States and Great Britain Wednesday, it was revealed to the American public that the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom is not, in fact, Tony Blair anymore.

Standing alongside President Obama on the White House lawn, the largely unrecognizable figure of “David Cameron” talked at length about the coordinated American/British strategy in Afghanistan, as viewers at home tried to work out what the heck happened to “that Blair guy.” Continue Reading

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GOP Right, We Do Need to Slash Military, Raise Taxes

GOP Right, We Do Need to Slash Military, Raise Taxes

As the Republican shutdown enters its 11th day, the GOP has failed to waiver from their insincere talking points about fiscal responsibility.

But they’re right. We have to cut the deficit and reduce the debt, and the best way to do that is by raising taxes and targeting the most wasteful of all expenses, the military, TSA and homeland security. Continue Reading

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Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown

Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown

Make No Mistake, This is a Republican Shutdown
FOX News and conservative radio like to make out the issue as “both sides are to blame,” or more commonly just casting blame solely on the Democrats, but that’s just not true.

The Republicans are to blame. Period. Continue Reading

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Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy

Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy

CAMBRIDGE – A new policy ratified by Harvard Law School will ensure that admissions officers do not discriminate against candidates on account of their stupidity.

The fresh statute includes a clause which says “No heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, genderfluid or transfag admissions staffer may disqualify a candidate on account of stupidity, which includes low academic performance or general inability to function intelligently in a difficult situation.” Continue Reading

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Child Pornographers, Polygamists Fight for First Amendment Rights

Child Pornographers, Polygamists Fight for First Amendment Rights

In Washington D. C .a handful of people showed up for the Million Man Child Pornographer March led by the Society of Children in Cinema United by Men (SCCUM).

The rally was staged in the conjunction with the Rights for Ancient Polygamous Elders Society (RAPES) gathering to protest the trampling of their First Amendment rights.

Spokesman Elder Skrewie for RAPES said, “Clearly, you let one infringement of our rights pass and the liberals will want to take them all. The Bill of Rights says we have freedom of religion. Continue Reading

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John Boehner Finishes Another Pint of Whiskey

John Boehner Finishes Another Pint of Whiskey

John Boehner (R-Ohio) said Tuesday that he wants to have a “conflagration” with President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats over the government shutdown and deadline to raise the debt ceiling.

“I wanna half a conflagration, I’m not drowl… drowning any lines in the sand,” he said at a press conference, barely managing to stand alongside fellow members of the GOP leadership. “There’s isn’t any boundaries here, muffins off the table, butter there’s a lil-little something under the table! Hah!!” Continue Reading

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Subspecies’ Ears Slowly Forming into Mouths

Subspecies’ Ears Slowly Forming into Mouths

WASHINGTON—Scientists announced Monday that the subspecies rabia hospes interruptus is projected to undergo radical physical changes in response to their environment and need for survival.

“Basically, to continue their way of life, these creatures are forced to protect themselves from the dangers of listening to opposing opinions in favor of more effectively clobbering others with their own,” said scientist Colleen Saunders of the overbearing political commentator subgroup.

RIGHT: A depiction of what experts expect the completed transformation to look like. Images by World Affairs Council of Philadelphia, sebas and hectore via Flickr. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Saunders also pointed out that this subspecies previously relied on expressing their opinions with careful, measured screaming. Continue Reading

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Child Dodges Trip to National Park

Child Dodges Trip to National Park

Eleven-year-old Ted Ews has narrowly avoided having to go on a Sunday outing with his family to Big Bend National Park, in Texas.

“No,” he shouted, stomping his foot, when his father, Barry, first voiced the idea during dinner the night before. “No. No. No. No. No. No. No.”

Fortunately, a government shutdown closed the park the next day, making the trip impossible.

“It’s so sad,” said his mother, Elizabeth, while the family sat down for breakfast. Continue Reading

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The Myth of the GOP Repeal & Replace Talking Point

The Myth of the GOP Repeal & Replace Talking Point

It was difficult for Republicans to fight against Obamacare. While they tried to vilify it, people actually liked what it stood for, and the rebate checks from premiums didn’t hurt either.

But in opposing something designed to fix a national crisis, you have to have a cure of your own. They didn’t have one, so they yelled “Repeal & Replace,” but years on, we can see they really had no ideas in the first place. Continue Reading

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The Governments Going To Shut Down? Oh, Pity…….

The Governments Going To Shut Down? Oh, Pity…….

Shut Down The Government- Yeah!!!!!!

SHUT HER DOWN! SHUT HER DOWN!

YEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Go ahead and shut the dinosaur down! It will be days before most people even would notice.

They don’t seem to be able to do much lately except fight like Yuppie versions of the Hatfields and McCoys anyway.

While we’re at it let’s cut off the Senators and Legislators hospitalization for life on the taxpayers dime and suspend their pay. In fact, just shut it off for every upper level government employee. No, no unemployment for you! If we have to put up with it so do you! Continue Reading

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