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Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant.

The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the U.S. House of Representatives, is being called the “new, softer side” of the Minnesota firebrand.

Standing before the press corps on the veranda of her home with husband Marcus at her side and wearing a full-sized eggplant costume with a green stalk hat, Bachmann explained how she came to accept her identity as an eggplant, something she has struggled with since her early days living in a Kibbutz in Israel.

“I always saw myself as an eggplant in Israel, and believe this change is all for the better. As President Obama continues to ramp up his plans to invade our greatest ally and install Van Jones as dictator of Jerusalem, the country needs a strong advocate for its own defense.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News3 Comments

McDonald’s Fry Cook Filibusters Angry Manager to Avoid Getting Fired

McDonald’s Fry Cook Filibusters Angry Manager to Avoid Getting Fired

PITTSBURGH — Local McDonald’s “Fryolator” Operator Terrance Yerkovski, in an effort to avoid losing his job, has been filibustering his manager for the past 72 straight hours.

The filibuster, in which the 22-year-old Yerkovski is currently barricaded in the employee restroom while reading the entire Allegheny County phone book aloud, cover to cover, has already surpassed the previous filibuster record set by Former U.S. Senator and Segregationalist Strom Thurmond of South Carolina. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics5 Comments

Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

The White House is on the defense after President Obama was caught failing to check his cisgender privilege at the announcement of a new cabinet appointment.

According to reports, the president referred to UN Ambassador nominee Norrie Powers as “she,” violating the general principles of respect for unique sexual identities. Powers is in fact a neutral sex, non-binary genderqueer, omnigendered, transman, pangender, aromantic, demisexual and anti-sexual transfag. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics2 Comments

NRA: “F*ck It, Why Have Laws At All?”

NRA: “F*ck It, Why Have Laws At All?”

WASHINGTON — In a decisive move, federal lawmakers are expected to push a bill through both houses that would repeal every gun control law that ever existed in the U.S. dating back to the Articles of Confederation.

According to sources on Capitol Hill, this new legislation comes on the heels of an NRA-funded campaign to bombard congressional Email accounts relentlessly with pro- 2nd amendment memes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics3 Comments

DOJ Investigates DOJ, DOJ Clears DOJ in DOJ Review

DOJ Investigates DOJ, DOJ Clears DOJ in DOJ Review

After information has come to light regarding Chief Justice Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records and targeting of journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger, Mr. Holder must now answer…to himself.

Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president has initiated an immediate and just response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Sports Scandals1 Comment

Poll: Majority Concede Overt Racist Moseley Likely Right

Poll: Majority Concede Overt Racist Moseley Likely Right

ENGLAND – In the wake of Thursday’s vicious attack in London, a new poll finds that a majority of the British public now believe the fascist leader Oswald Moseley was right when he condemned liberal immigration policies in the 1950s.

A survey commissioned by The Times on Monday which polled twenty-thousand people came back with 56 percent in favor of Moseley’s positions, 40 percent against, and 4 percent answering “I’m a multiculturalist-Liberal-Democratic-Faggot.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder

Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder

In a development that is stirring nationwide anger, the American Psychological Association has released a report classifying Libertarianism as a mental disorder.

Head researcher Paul Keynes discussed the organization’s findings, which were gleaned from a 10-year study that interviewed and tested over one hundred thousand self-described libertarians. He said: Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics4 Comments

Ann Coulter cuts out Latino’s heart, eats it

Ann Coulter cuts out Latino’s heart, eats it

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter surprised viewers on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show when she carved into the body of a Latino immigrant and pulled out a heart.

“I swear to God we will eat your hearts out, you Mexican illegals. God is greater!” she said. “Undocumented aliens, we will take their hearts to eat them.”

She then put the heart in her mouth and took a bite. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Republicans Force Illegal Immigrants out of the Country–305 Million to Leave Immediately

Republicans Force Illegal Immigrants out of the Country–305 Million to Leave Immediately

WASHINGTON D.C.–In a historic, and extremely surprising, turn of events for the land of the free and home of the brave, almost 90% of its diverse population has now found itself without a country or a home.

Yesterday, on Capitol Hill, Republican lawmakers successfully pushed through sweeping immigration reform with far-reaching implications. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics2 Comments

NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales

NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales

The NRA, flush with a victory over the US Government and common sense in general with their defeat of all gun bills, has decided to keep on a roll and create more gun sales by stimulating more mass shootings.

Observing that the sale of guns actually increases after mass killings and after threats of gun control restrictions, the NRA has decided to go for broke. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics1 Comment

Ringmaster Carney Helps Obama Turn Scandals into Circus Spectacular

Ringmaster Carney Helps Obama Turn Scandals into Circus Spectacular

In a colorful press conference held at the White House a few days ago, press secretary/circus master Jay Carney lived up to his last name as scandals piled up like elephants in a circus ring or clowns in a clown car.

From Benghazi to the IRS to killing American citizens without trial to Michelle possibly changing her hair again to now this.

Mr. Carney began the wildly entertaining event by reminding everyone that the Benghazi exhibition could be viewed in the smaller tent just outside the main arena under the banner “sideshow”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

John Kerry Transfers into Mainframe to Destroy 3D-printed Gun Blueprints

John Kerry Transfers into Mainframe to Destroy 3D-printed Gun Blueprints

United States Department of State Secretary John Kerry joined with Deputy Secretaries William Joseph Burns and Thomas Nides in an effort to destroy the 3D gun blue prints released by DEFCAD, a site hosted by Defense Distributed.

The State Department uploaded the high profile digital agents into the network after Defense Distributed founder Cody Wilson uploaded design plans that would allow a 3D printer to create a functional plastic gun.

“I feel a presence. Another warrior is on the mesa” stated the Master Control Program as the blueprints for the gun were downloaded more than 100,000 times before the State Department agents even entered the mainframe. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Obama responds to Benghazi controversy as 15 killed in blast

Obama responds to Benghazi controversy as 15 killed in blast

President Obama defended today his administration’s response to the Benghazi terror attack as a car bomb explosion killed several people near a Benghazi hospital.

“Nobody understood exactly what was taking place during the course of those first few days” Obama said of last year’s attack on the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi as the blast today left at least nine dead, including two children.

His remarks were in response to recent hearings conducted by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, which began investigating the attack in October of 2012, around the time four bombings killed 15 in Pakistan, 8 in Beirut, 24 in southern Yemen, and 19 in Afghanistan’s northern Balkh Province. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone1 Comment

Anti-Tax Crusaders Shocked IRS Would Question Them

Anti-Tax Crusaders Shocked IRS Would Question Them

Tea Party political activity groups, known for their hardline anti-tax position, were singled out by the IRS for scrutiny.

“It’s crazy,” says anti-tax crusader and Wisconsin Tea Party head Colin Felcher. I can’t imagine a single reason why they’d think we’re against paying taxes.

Unofficial IRS spokesman Davis Kaeng, who works by day as an official IRS spokesman, agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity, but also that we use his real name and record the conversation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Slime looks forward to joining cesspool in U.S. House

Slime looks forward to joining cesspool in U.S. House

The gelled waste that once held office as South Carolina Governor has been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. The win marks a major political comeback for the slime, Mark Sanford, who resigned after an extramarital glop in 2009.

After disappearing for five days in the summer of 2009, the slime admitted in a news conference he had been in Argentina slushing with his mistress after having told his staff he was scuzzing in the Appalachian Trail. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Chris Christie Kills Spider, Triggers Collapse of Western Civilization

Chris Christie Kills Spider, Triggers Collapse of Western Civilization

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week.

The spider, which was crawling on the governor’s desk as he spoke to a group of schoolchildren, should have gone unnoticed by his daughter, Bridget Christie. She instead observed her father’s brave demonstration, which sparked the fourth-grader’s interest in pest and insect control. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

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