Dems Offer Compromise on Weed Legalization: Let’s Agree to call it “Marihuana”

With Vermont and Massachusetts added to the growing list of states with legal, recreational marijuana, congress has been scrambling to lower taxes on billionaires and name new post offices. But one congressman has a different plan.

“I want to see marijuana removed entirely from the DEA schedule. It’s not harmful, it’s not dangerous, and people love it.”

Congressman William Benoit, Democrat, of California’s 56th district, asked that we not use his name in connection with this story, so moving forward, we won’t refer to him personally.

The unnamed congressman, who lives at 1468 Cherry Orchard Lane in Modesto California has long been an outspoken advocate for marijuana legalization. He (or she, but really he), suggested that the compromise of allowing Republican stronghold red states in the south to refer to weed as “Marihuana” allows them and their consituents to be condescending, while still enjoying the influx of billions in tax revenue.

“It’s not just the tax revenue,” said the un-named congressman from a booth in Salty’s Diner, where his parents are still owners, “It’s also the savings from not having to waste police resources enforcing it for what amounts to, like, just the tiniest bit of weed, man.”

Our interview was cut short, as the press secretary for the congressman, not congresswoman, was apparently feeling quite tired from a long flight. While we were unable to confirm any travel details prior to the interview, his eyes were clearly bloodshot and he had trouble focusing on the conversation or holding a train of thought for more than a few seconds at a time. All of which are clear indicators of jet lag, among, you know, other things.

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Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.