Category: Top Stories
Santorum Endorses Mitt Romney… For Profit
PITTSBURG, PA –GlossyNews Rick Santorum finally threw his support behind presumptive GOPTea™ nominee Mitt Romney, saying to his supporters, “I strongly encouraged Mitt to add me as the Team Conservative Leader, and I am pleased to say that I will…
Obama Defeats Romney in Hollywood Version of 2012 Presidential Election
LOS ANGELES – In a classic Hollywood ending that left audiences cheering and wiping tears from their eyes, President Obama triumphed over his Republican rival Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S. presidential election, after staging a stunning come-from-behind upset that…
Trump to Host Romney Bacon-Wrapped Foie Gras Dinner Fundraiser
TRUMP TOWER, NYC —GlossyNews The final logistics for “Trump’s Huge Gourmet Dinner to Fund Gov. Romney” have been released. The Donald announced that “on landing at Kennedy the fortunate attendees – the chosen folk – will receive free post-flight ground…
Liquor at Supermarkets – Here Comes the Hangover
This morning at the crack of midnight Washington State supermarkets like Metropolitan Market in downtown Seattle began selling hard liquor. It took years of struggle, three state-level initiatives and more than $22 million from Costco, but is it worth it?…
Truck Spills Thousands of Gallons of Beer; Obama Declares Day of Mourning
VOLUSIA COUNTY, FL – A semi truck carrying thousands of gallons of beer overturned in Volusia County early Tuesday morning, spilling beer over the northbound lanes of I-95. Police say hundreds of cases of bottled beer were lost in one…
“Georgetown University Girl is Loco”
Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez. Maria: “We’ve been very busy covering the Syrian rebellion from the Greek Isles, and according to all the guys we’ve interviewed here, it’s not going too well in Syria.”
Governor Scott Walker Declares State-Wide Burn Ban Leading Up to Recall Election
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has officially declared a state-wide emergency burn ban in response to reports that dozens of campaign signs on behalf of the embattled governor are going up in flames. The move, while politically necessary according to sources…
Merkel Readies Device for Stimulating Greeks
BERLIN, GERMANY —GlossyNews Chancellor Merkel of Germany said she would readily agree to stimulating Greece in their G-spot. Germany’s “Iron Lady” says she will use her newly created device called a “Euro-do”, thusly named as it inserts the Euro into…
“Men in Suits” determine the future of the GOP
Several suited men are pouring over papers scattered on a desk before them. “So, it comes down to this: The Corporations are deciding on either Gingrich or Santorum to be the Republican representative for the Republican platform in the Presidential…
Octomom weds Chaz Bono
Photographers filled sidewalks outside Graceland Chapel this weekend, spilling out into the street and blocking traffic. The paparazzi had thronged to Vegas for a snapshot of what’s being called the wedding of the century. Chaz Bono and a radiant Nadya…