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Bill Clinton: Why Hillary Lost

Bill Clinton: Why Hillary Lost

Washington – In his first in-depth interview since the election, former President Bill Clinton said he warned Mrs. Clinton early on that she needed to project a tougher image to attract independents. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Administration to Pre-empt Iran by Nuking Israel First

Administration to Pre-empt Iran by Nuking Israel First

Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward has released another transcript of a recent White House strategy session, this one devoted to the looming Iran-Israel confrontation. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Al Qaeda Split Over Obama Overtures

Al Qaeda Split Over Obama Overtures

A source in al Qaeda’s inner circle tells Al Jazeera that hardliners oppose Osama bin Laden’s decision to alter the organization’s tactics in response to President Barack Obama’s overtures to the Muslim world. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Carville Named “Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar”

Carville Named “Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar”

Washington – Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano introduced James Carville today as the Department’s new “Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar.” A political science professor at Tulane, Carville is inexplicably married to Republican strategist Mary Matalin. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories1 Comment

Matrix Made Keanu Reeves 1/3rd Billionaire

Matrix Made Keanu Reeves 1/3rd Billionaire

If you’re a big fan of The Matrix, or The Matrix Reloaded, you likely assume Keanu Reeves earned a hefty Hollywood sum, and you’d be partly right.

He did earn a massive pile of money, but it was more like a Kingly sum. Of course, if you’re a big fan of The Matrix Revolutions, you’re either imaginary or someone who hasn’t actually seen the film. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Talky Pictures0 Comments

US Fathers Pledge to Model Obama: Promise Kids Puppy If Elected President

US Fathers Pledge to Model Obama: Promise Kids Puppy If Elected President

Taking up the difficult charge requested of the nation’s newest president, fathers around the country have stepped up to make difficult choices and keep hope alive in the next generation. Many are doing this by emulating the exact behavior of Barack Obama and promising their dog demanding children that they too can have a puppy… you know, when dad gets elected president. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone, Politics0 Comments

God Answers McCain’s Prayers with Resounding “No”

God Answers McCain’s Prayers with Resounding “No”

God, highest imagined power in all the universe, perhaps best known as the creator of day and night, took a few minutes away from his daily chore of answering billions of prayers for wealth, fame and sexual partners to publicly address a persistent request from one of his most visible, though least faithful followers, John McCain. “No,” said God, with a chorus of angels in accompaniment. “I will not honor the requests of you or Sarah Palin. Sorry. I have bigger things to deal with and you should stop praying to me for this.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Bush Commands AF-1 Due South to Greenland, Stays the Course

Bush Commands AF-1 Due South to Greenland, Stays the Course

Mere minutes into Air Force One’s flight from Andrews Air Force Base to Greenland, it was reported that President Bush entered the flight deck with commands to “Continue your southerly heading.” The President, known for his resolve, was undeterred by new information suggesting Greenland may instead lie to the northeast of Virginia, insisting, “If we change course now, the terrorists win.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments

Toyota Hybrid Sports Car “Priapus” Gets Greenlight

Toyota Hybrid Sports Car “Priapus” Gets Greenlight

Toyota Motor Corp. set themselves apart from American automakers in the 80’s and 90’s by designing quality vehicles absent of planned functional obsolescences. This decade Toyota made their mark by introducing the Prius, the first hybrid car to hit the market. Critics have praised it while still dubbing it a “gutless crackerbox”, but now crackers have a sporty carriage of testosterone to choose while pretending to remain eco-friendly. Call it the hybrid Volta or the inbred Priapus, either way it still smells like raw pheromones. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Technology0 Comments

J-Lo’s Ass to Secede From the Union

J-Lo’s Ass to Secede From the Union

After months of inflationary pressure and exterior expansion, sources close to J-Lo’s ass are reporting the beefy rump intends to secede from the main body of Ms. Lopez. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Politics0 Comments

Coca-Cola Deploys 5,000 Troops to Somalia

Coca-Cola Deploys 5,000 Troops to Somalia

Coca-Cola was forced to withdraw their 8,000 peacekeeping troops from Somalia when war broke out in 1989. The civil scene has since subsided and civilians, long thirsty for caffeinated cola, seem eager to embrace the armed forces being provided by Coca-Cola. Continue Reading

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N. Korea on Bush: “Only After Our Coal”

N. Korea on Bush: “Only After Our Coal”

PYONGYANG, N. KOREA – In a statement released Friday, North Korea’s President Kim Jong II denounced President Bush’s diplomatic pressure on his nation and accused America of targeting North Korea because of the country’s coal, iron, magnesite, graphite, copper, zinc, and lead mining prospects. The U.S. claims its diplomatic efforts have come as a response to Kim’s refusal to acknowledge the nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty in December, but North Korea fears the U.S. is after much more. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

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