LBJ’s Human Rights Lecture to Glossy News Readers

Hey, everybody! It’s yer best buddy Jumbo Johnson here! Everybody loves a bit of good old NON-GOVERNMENTAL Human Rights Organization shit, huh?

That’s right, bitches! Time for one damn fine bit of unpatriotic pinko analysis of the notable patriotic human rights NGO, Freedom House!

Ooo, SHIT! I LIIIIKE the sounda THAT!

Well hey, baby! Everybody loves freedom, right?!

Yup! No shit, chicken! I mean, I literally can’t imagine what kind of an ignorant, bigoted asshole would hate freedom; can you???

So, here we go. Snuggle up a little here, baby, and have your cosy ol’ sneak peek at lil Jumbo here, and this here Freedom House discussion of countries in ‘Eurasia’ (… Huh? Me, uh, I mean, your BIG OL’ JUMBO HERE, neither!):

While a few—such as Georgia, Moldova, and Ukraine—have struggled to democratize and pursue European integration in recent years, they face strong resistance from Russia and antidemocratic elements within their borders

I hear that pathetic little Euroweenie bastard Anglo-Harry, like, I say, I hear all my jerk-ass lil vanilla-bitches be sayin’:

Hm. This rather bears, shall we say, a passing resemblance to a certain… as it were, official view being shat out over the American airwaves from time to time…

Well hey; never mind that there Pacifist-Socialist-Cultural-Marxist-Command-Economy garbage!

Turning to their rather artistically flamboyant homepage, the following words:


IN SHOUTY CAPITALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Huh?! Did these boys forget the whole row or ten of sound, patriotic Anglo-Saxon exclamation marks (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Freedom House works to defend human rights and promote democratic change, with a focus on political rights and civil liberties

Sure. Why not! Can’t think of a better way to do that, than to vilify and sneer at all them goddamn Russkies, and patriotically endorse the Vast Freedom-Wing Fast-Food-Ification of liberty: swift, surgically dubious, greasy, deeply satisfying (for some!) and very, VERY close to ‘free’ (as all the Big Bossmen, at least, are gonna be tellin’ ya), and leavin’ you freaks hungry again within a matter of moments, and just gaggin’ the ol’ Chief here for some more.

(After all, a drone massacre of innocent ‘collaterals’ takes matter of seconds, if that!)

But guess who’s been fundin’ up this damn fine institution? Well, according to Chapter Ten of the book Out of the Red: Investment and Capitalism in Russia by John T. Connor (notable Unamerican Pinko) and Lawrence P. Milford (notable Unamerican Pinko), Freedom House is partly funded by ‘The National Endowment for Democracy, USAID, and The US State Department.‘ (Give yer shit-credits for italicisin’ emphasis for good ol’ Jumbo here; you’d better believe it, bitches!)

According to this tiresome, hateful polemic against my National Interest, these here three sources make up approximately 75% of the funding of Freedom House (!) These despicable Commie pinkos also list some former board members. Two names that ‘raise the steak’ of ol’ Jumbo here are:

Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz.

Well hey, girl!  Turn that grubby ol’ trout-pout west-side snout, baby! Cos, ya know, Wolfowitz, that there guy ain’t no fool! He’s a frickin’ notable American scholar, and all that jazz!

Well, hey: American Enterprise Institute, anyone?

By the way, those boys, well their motto is:

Competition of ideas is fundamental to a free society.

Or in other words:

You’re either with us or against us!

Well, fuck yeah, freedom-baby! Kein frickin’ Scheisse, Scherlocke!

Freedom House.

Well, hey! Say what? Say, what the fuck is that, my patriotic lil cute-ass charmer?

Well, it could be many things.

An established and unshakeable foundation

A stony edifice

An imposing fortress

A golden palace.

A home of freedom.

Whew! Lovely name, ain’t it?! 😛

Ooo, shit! FREEDOM! That one gets me goin’ every time.

Well, snuggle-ya-later, honeybuckles! Ol’ Jumbo here has to make for rearrangement of his fine ol’ Jumbokin pork-platter. Cos ya know see ol’ Jumbo here, he just loves the stench of freedom in the morning, baby!

Oh, and by the way. If ever you’re wantin’ some freedom:

Believe me, good Ol’ Jumbo will be just here.

Just right here where ya need me!

OOO! Shit!

All about the frickin’ rhetoric, baby!


Shit! Whew! Oh my frickin’ gosh, that was one HELLUVA…

Whew! Would ya just look at that!

Hm. Now, where’s that bastard, shitty little Mexican when ya need ‘im…

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!