Iran to US: “Thanks for the New Drone Tech!”

Washington, DC- On Thursday evening, moments before he was to order an air strike against Iran, President Donald Trump received a letter of thanks from the President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani, for sharing the latest in American drone technology, after the Revolutionary Guard shot down an RQ-4A Global Hawk High-Altitude, Long, Endurance (HALE) Unmanned Aircraft System (UAS) last Thursday.

The attack on the drone is the latest escalation between the two countries, beginning with the deployment of the air craft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln to the Strait of Hormuz on May 5, 2019. The content of the letter, which the President received while perched on his throne in the White House War Room, was enough to call off the air strike until further notice. The contents of this letter were provided exclusively to Glossy News.

Dear Mr. President,” the letter reads, “The Iranian government want’s to offer its sincerest thanks for flying one of your drones over our military air space last week. We were pleasantly surprised when we spotted your drone flying near the Strait of Hormuz, and we just wanted to let you know that this incident has shaved 10 years off of our drone development program. We also wanted you to know that we understand that you’d like us to pass this technology on to our strategic ally, Russia, per your request. If you have additional technology we can share with our Russian allies, please feel free to enter our air space anytime, and we will gladly shoot it down, and pass it on to our friends. Not since Ronald Reagan, has there been an American President who has been so instrumental in helping us obtain advanced war technologies. Thank you.

The President responded to Rouhani’s letter via Shitter:

I received a lovely letter from the President of Iran this evening, in which he claimed that I was the greatest President since Ronald Reagan. I have sent President Rouhani an equally lovely letter, composed in black Sharpie, on POTUS letterhead, thanking him for his kind words. It is my hope that these letters will officially make us pen-pals, as I now consider Rouhani a friend. I hope he will join my SUPER BEST PAL’S CLUB, which also includes other great leaders like Kim Jong-Un, Rodrigo Duterte, Xi Jinping, and Vladimir Putin. We have a little get together planned during the G-20 Summit this month, and I hope to see you there!

Glossy News reached out via email, to the White House to confirm the planned meeting of the Super Best Pal’s Club, and received this reply:

To Whomever it may concern,

The White House Office of the Press Secretary is currently out of service. If you’d like to leave a message, you may do so by clicking “REPLY,” or by texting REPLY to 7734. If you are inquiring about the position of White House Office of the Press Secretary, please send your resume in PDF format, along with any video footage of you defending the President on a nationally televised TV show, to www.whitehouse.gov/resumes.

Requests for comment were submitted to the offices of Kim Jong-Un, Rodrigo Duterte, Xi Jinping, and Vladimir Putin, without reply.

This story is ongoing.

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Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "My parents failed me, just as their parents failed them before that. My goal is to continue that legacy with my kids!"

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