John Bolton Infallibly PROVES Iranian Tanker Conspiracy Theory!

Foamy-mouthed neoconservative intellectual and MIC-beloved establishment conspiracy theory John Bolton has come out fighting against allegations that the Iran ‘smoking gun’ is just another Blair-stylee WMD fraud!

Now, let’s remember the Maine thing we all have to remember…

He begins.

(Hey, does that sound familiar?!)

The… The Lusitania… Thing we have to remember? OOOOOO, goddamn that teleprompter! Thanks Obama!


The first thing, the MAINE thing we have to remember (hint-hint!) is that there is zero history of the United States government and MIC and establishment intellectuals EVER lying about ANYTHING, in the entire history of the world. Finito! From the Vietnam War to WMDs to Libya, no America has EVER been caught with his pants down! Not even LBJ… But we’re getting our mojo back these days anyway, without even needing the assistance of a bunch of lying Democrats like Crooked Hillary!

After all, lying is something BAD COUNTRIES do! Watch out for the bogeyman… WOOOOO! Pretty scary, huh? RED RUSSIA were so dishonest, and so disingenuous, they actually had to call their chief propaganda outlet ‘PRAVDA,’ or truth! Can you actually imagine a US media outlet ever calling jumping through hoops to call themselves ‘fair and balanced,’ or ‘the most trusted name in news?’

Finally, I’m going to say the loud bit loud, and the quiet bit quiet… Er, that is what I’m supposed to say, right? Mike, did they give me the right opioids this morning? I’m kinda feeling a bit… Yeah, whatever!

Building up for the final crescendo, Bolton began to scream at the top of his voice (strictly speaking, all of the following should be in full caps, like 5 million font size, whatever!):


“Now I want to make the case for secrecy in government when it comes to the conduct of national security affairs, and possibly for deception where that’s appropriate. You know Winston Churchill said during World War Two that in wartime truth is so important it should be surrounded by a bodyguard of lies… If I had to say something I knew was false to protect American national security, I would do it… The Constitution is not a suicide pact. And I think defending the United States from foreign threats does require actions that in a normal business environment in the United States we would find unprofessional. I don’t make any apology for it.”

Or in the words of my good buddy Irving Kristol:

“There are different kinds of truths for different kinds of people. There are truths appropriate for children; truths that are appropriate for students; truths that are appropriate for educated adults; and truths that are appropriate for highly educated adults, and the notion that there should be one set of truths available to everyone is a modern democratic fallacy. It doesn’t work.”

So if it’s me saying it and Irving Kristol saying it, then you can pretty much rely on it implicitly. Anybody who says otherwise is a CONSPIRACY THEORIST, and is probably in the pay of the enemies of our tremendous country! I mean, if it was Putin or Red China or North Korea saying this, I can totally understand why you’d be sceptical; but undermining faith in our think tank intellectuals, free press and political institutions is the canary in the coal mine for freedom and democracy. Tyranny has ALWAYS started by questioning experts and politicians; and it can only be ended by entrusting yourselves implicitly to ALTERNATIVE, cutting edge, edgy, radical, anti-establishment intellectuals.

Y’know, kinda like me and Mikey here! Former head of the CIA? It just doesn’t get any more subservive and edgy than THAT! But as for the KGB or GRU… Well yeah, that would be an entirely different STORY, wouldn’t it!

CNN, the BBC and MSNBC were surprisingly well disposed to Bolton’s unhinged, genocidal rant.

OMG! I never thought I’d actually agree with the Donald Trump administration! Let’s go nuke a few savages and bomb the f*** out of ’em until they finally learn to respect human rights! Well it sure worked in Libya!

The liberal media responded.

Fox News, for their part, said:

Well, now we’re finally seeing some bipartisan unity. Bolton and Pompeo are the only people who have managed to overcome the sectarian agitation and hooliganism of the divisive Democrats. Finally, we got ONE THING that can finally unite the entire political and intellectual classes in our unbelievably fragmented country. I think we should maybe stick with this one and see how far we can run with it…


Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!