Kentucky Derby Horse ‘Uncle Sigh’ Doesn’t Really Give a Damn About Race

Churchill Downs – As the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby nears, one fact about one of the horses in the running this year is clear: ‘Uncle Sigh’ just doesn’t give a damn.

The horse is already pissed about having to shave his beard for the race but insisted on his jockey being allowed to carry his signature green cup of special tea during the race.

“I mean, I’ll race. I got no problem with that, Jack. But I’ll be damned if they’re gonna make me leave my tea cup somewhere during the race just so someone can steal it. No way, man.” Uncle Sigh remarked. Read more Kentucky Derby Horse ‘Uncle Sigh’ Doesn’t Really Give a Damn About Race

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Dallas Cowboy’s Fans Unite to Pray for Racist Remarks From Jerry Jones

Dallas – In light of the lifetime ban placed upon Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers, after his recent racist remarks, fans of the Dallas Cowboys football team have come together in prayer hoping their sorry-ass owner, Jerry Jones, will open his big mouth and say something that will get him banned for life too.

“This may be just the loophole we’ve been hoping for all these years!” an excited Tom Laundry exclaimed. “If that idiot could just be caught on tape one time saying something stupid we could finally rid ourselves of his massive ego and move forward as a team.” Read more Dallas Cowboy’s Fans Unite to Pray for Racist Remarks From Jerry Jones

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N.B.A. Furious Over Sterling’s Comments

Los Angeles, California – Three days after a recording emerged of Clippers Owner, Donald Sterling making racist comments set off a fury of angry reactions from past and current NBA players, an extended recording has been released involving a new victim, the breadstick.

The original recording was of Sterling talking to his girlfriend, professional model, V. Stiviano, regarding an Instagram photo she took with former NBA star, Magic Johnson. Read more N.B.A. Furious Over Sterling’s Comments

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Donald Sterling Banned For Life From Every Organization With Initials

Chicago – Not only has embattled owner of the LA Clippers basketball team, Donald Sterling, been banned for life from the NBA for his racist remarks, but virtually every other organization in America that is widely known by their initials have banned him as well.

The NFL, MLB, UPS, IBM, NHL, all four of the main television networks, KFC, TCBY, the BBC, ESPN, HBO, BMW, JVC, RCA, QVC, WWE and many others have vowed to never do business with the billionaire asshole ever again. Read more Donald Sterling Banned For Life From Every Organization With Initials

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Clippers Owner Donald Sterling To Sell Team

At a press conference in Los Angeles this morning, Donald Sterling’s wife Roachelle claimed the NBA team would be sold in a matter of days.

Sterling, 67, who changed his name from Tokowitz so his unique brand of bigotry and racism would seem more ethnically ambiguous, has been embroiled in an intense controversy over apparent recorded racist comments he made to his 24 year old paid escort, arm candy and wannabee model, V. Stiviano. Sterling didn’t approve of her posting pictures on the internet of herself with black men or bringing Magic Johnson to Clippers games.

According to the recording, Sterling had no problem with V associating with black men or even sleeping with them, but the posting of pics and being seen publicly within 100 yards of Sterling made him the butt of jokes among others of Sterling’s “culture”.

At the press conference Roachelle Sterling said “It’s apparent the NBA, fans, people of certain mixed mud colors, anti-semites and jew haters do not want Donald in basketball, so we will be going somewhere where we’ll be appreciated.”

In other sports news Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a press release midday indicating he was selling his team to an unnamed Los Angeles buyer in a IRS approved, 1031 exchange.

Both sales were approved by NBA and NFL owners along strictly religious and ethnic lines.

In related notes the Israeli parliament has approved designating Ethiopian immigrants of dubious hebrew heritage as 3/5ths real Jew.

photo credit: Tim Noakes via photopin cc

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Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police

Mesa, Arizona – Only days after the real Donovan McNabb was detained by local police enforcement, a six-foot cardboard cutout of the former NFL star continues to evade even the most physically fit officers.

“I’ve never seen him move so well,” said Officer Eugene Hall after chasing the cutout for several feet before hunching over to catch his breath.

“It’s hard to believe he never won a Super Bowl!” Added Hall, now lying on his back, struggling to remain conscious. Read more Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police

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Tiger Breadsticks His Way Back Into The Masters

Jupiter Island, Florida – Despite withdrawing from the Masters earlier in the week after having unavoidable back surgery, Tiger Woods unexpectedly announced Thursday evening that he is back in the tournament and credits “the almighty breadstick” for helping him make a speedy recovery.

“His recuperation defies the laws of medicine and the capabilities of the human body. It demonstrates the healing power that this once complimentary item with the purchase of any entrée has and how much we still have to learn about them.” Said Tiger’s former Coach, Hank Haney, while watching an overjoyed Woods swing his club through a breaded ball, sending it almost seven feet into the air and into a pit of hot butter and garlic. Read more Tiger Breadsticks His Way Back Into The Masters

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Tiger Woods Unable To Play In Masters After Successful Penisectomy

Tiger Woods announced Tuesday that he has undergone a successful penisectomy for a vestigial weiner that has been haunting him for several years.

The surgery was performed Monday in Park City, Utah, by neurosurgeon Dr. Charles Ima Richer. The procedure was successful, but Woods will be unable to chip them in from green side bunkers for the foreseeable future. Read more Tiger Woods Unable To Play In Masters After Successful Penisectomy

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Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores

Responding to claims of racial insensitivity over the team name, NFL Redskins owner Dan Snyder embarked on a month long voyage of discovery to dozens of Native American Reservations.

In a widely distributed press release issued on Monday, Snyder said “As loyal fans of the Washington Redskins, I want you to know that tomorrow I will announce the creation of the Washington Redskins Original Americans Liquor Foundation.” Read more Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores

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Avid Golfer Furious Over Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

SUN CITY, Florida – George ‘Mac’ McGruder, 69, has been golfing ever since he was old enough to hold a golf club. Wednesdays have always been his golf days, even when he was a physician and ran his own practice.

“The girls in the office knew not to bother me on Wednesdays,” said Mac, “unless, of course, someone was dying,” he added.

So when Mac overheard a woman at his favorite golf pro shop ask the clerk what the heaviest club in the set was, he assumed she wanted to know which club would drive the ball the farthest. What he heard next though came about as close to heresy as he could imagine. Read more Avid Golfer Furious Over Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

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I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team

Dear U.S. Olympic Ski Team:

Congratulations on an outstanding Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. And hey, that 18 year-old Mikaela Shiffrin was impressive on the giant slalom. Well done.

I just have one minor complaint to register: Why did you leave me off the team? I contacted you last summer, telling you I wanted to try out for the men’s freestyle aerials or half pipe or any alpine event you guys thought might attract babes. Read more I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team

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Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found

Gainesville, Florida – Following the surprise release of a photo showing former New England Patriots tight end, Aaron Hernandez holding a BS-47 assault rifle, local police released a statement Wednesday that they have located the weapon used to kill Odin Lloyd on the night of June 17th.

“Mr. Hernandez had a brilliant plan that fooled investigators for months,” said Police Chief, Carl Slowind, who was credited with finding the weapon. Read more Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found

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Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

NASCAR driver Danica Patrick charged other drivers with sexism and misogyny after being bumped in Sundays Daytona 500 causing her to crash into the outer wall and ending her race.

“There’s only one woman at Daytona today and who gets driven off the track? Connect the dots and do the math.” Patrick added “Well, I can’t do the math but I’m sure one of you men out there can help me with that.” Read more Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

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IOC Officials Admit Curling Event Added To Be More Inclusive

In a stunning admission the International Olympic Committee issued a statement today confirming Curling was added to be more inclusive to non-athletes.

The IOC had come under fire for its wall-to-wall coverage of this years Curling competition, many times at the expense of more popular sports such as hockey and downhill skiing. The move elicited a collective WHAT THE FUCK from much of the civilized sporting world.

The statement read “For decades the Olympics has been criticized for not being more inclusive of non-athletes. Read more IOC Officials Admit Curling Event Added To Be More Inclusive

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Olympics Save Money By Giving Out Fool’s Gold Trophies

In an attempt to curtail expenses the Olympic Committee has taken the measure of exchanging 1st place gold trophies with ones made out of fool’s gold, the famous mineral often mistaken for gold by enterprising miners. These pseudo statues will be given out to less popular Olympic events such as curling, biathlon, cross-country and short track speed skating.

The athletes in the groups getting the second hand prizes are quite upset over the development. “We work just as hard as the rest of the athletes here.” stated Bruno Armbender, leader of the Macedonian curling team. “Why should we be penalized because we aren’t as pretty as the half naked ice skaters?”

A number of the affected players have raised a vociferous protest which has resulted in violence. Olympic officials have complained of curling discs suddenly bounding towards them as they get out of their cars when they get home. “I never would have guessed that these wimpy things could pack such a punch!” said Rusquero Rasheesh through a microphone implanted in his head to toe traction cast in the Sochi Municipal Hospital #34.

A number of other officials have been admitted to local hospitals with incredibly well aimed small caliber rifle shots to the right buttocks. “I think they are using the right buttocks as a target to symbolize that it is capitalists behind the cheap trophy decision.” commented Dr. Vlad Impaler from Hospital #762.

Other Olympic officials have been admitted covered with cross-country ski marks or speed skating marks all over them. “I didn’t even see them coming….” is the common remark.

To make up for whole categories of Olympic events falling out of the event in protest, the officials have called in the bikini volleyball teams to participate even though it is officially a Summer Olympic event. They had thought that the sight of abundant nude female flesh would distract viewers from the conflict. Unfortunately 80% of the swimsuit clad participants acquired frostbite in highly sensitive feminine locations in the first set of contests. The exception to this was the Russian Inuit team who are used to having to play in unfavorable winter conditions as they live so far north that they do not even know what summer is. They won the gold medal only to find it was really made of iron pyrite which caused them to beat Olympic officials with frozen volleyballs.

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Whipping Set to Replace Screeching in Olympic Curling

Dateline: Lausanne, Switzerland—After an Olympic curler died of a heart attack from haranguing her teammates as they swept the ice, the International Olympic Committee has ruled that instead of yelling so much for no good reason, curlers in the next Winter Olympics will whip each other.
Read more Whipping Set to Replace Screeching in Olympic Curling

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Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

A Denver Broncos fan who has been in a coma since 5 minutes into the Superbowl has finally awakened and close friends are unsure how to tell him what happened.

According to witnesses, Tindell Higby III, a University of Colorado senior, passed out with approximately 10:48 left in the first quarter and never regained consciousness.

“We’d been doing Jello shots since noon getting ready for the pre-game activities,” said one man who declined to be identified, but described pre-game activities as a game of “Bong Tag”. Read more Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

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Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found

Rutherford, New Jersey – Following the Denver Broncos horrific 43-8 loss in Super Bowl XLVIII to the Seattle Seahawks at MetLife Stadium, fans were left scratching their heads trying to determine what happened to the NFL’s top ranked offense that averaged 37.9 points-per-game in the regular season.

“I think everyone watching knew something was wrong from Denver’s opening play when Manning flubbed the snap,” said Referee James Chicanski after the game. Read more Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found

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