Tom Brady’s Cheekbones Now Undeniably the Greatest in NFL History

In a stunning comeback that saw records set for the most Super Bowl wins by a quarterback, most passing yards in a Super Bowl, most times as Super Bowl MVP, most catches from a single receiver in the Super Bowl, biggest point deficit recovery, the first Super Bowl overtime, and the most combined firsts and mosts in a Super Bowl…

The New England Patriots once again found themselves at the top of the NFL heap, cementing Tom Brady’s Adonis-like cheekbones as the greatest in football history.

Despite a rabid Patriot Nation calling Brady’s facial features unquestionably the best for over a decade, recent controversies cast doubt that the NFL would award the sixth-round-pick out of the University of Michigan such an honor.

The most recent and notable controversy, “Bronzergate,” alleged that Brady had used an illegal bronzer to maintain a defined contour around his cheekbones during the 2014 AFL Championship Game. The NFL’s ruling barred Brady from all cosmetics stores, magazines, aisles, and counters for the entire 2015 season.

But, such tough regulations did little to deter Tom Brady’s cheekbones. Following lesser allegations that lead to a four-game suspension, Brady and his moneymakers returned in week five of the 2016 season to lead his team straight to another Super Bowl ring (which will go fabulously with a new eye liner he is reportedly exploring).

Despite his astonishing comeback this season, Brady has tried to keep the focus on his team and coaches. When Terry Bradshaw referred to Brady’s features as “truly wonderful” at the podium—one arm tightly hugging the champ—and asked how it felt to be the NFL’s MBP (Most Beautiful Player), Brady looked uneasy and replied to thunderous applause, “It’s not about these babies, it’s about these guys,” which was taken as a reference to his cheekbones and teammates respectively.

Either way, it didn’t really matter what his mouth said, as all eyes were on those dreamy cheekbones.

Last year, Boston University researcher Dr. Bamanabum lead a study comparing the cheekbones of fifty NFL greats. He concluded and made recommendations to the league that Brady’s position was undeniable:

“Look at someone like Johnny Unitas,” Bamanabum said. “His highlights are amazing for the 50’s and 60’s. Yet, just as passer ratings have improved with time, so have looks. Brady’s cheekbones and dimple chin help round out what we call the complete package.”

Bamanabum’s team also compared key points such as height, curvature, balance, and contrast; all essential for the makeup of the perfect face. Brady, he says, has it. After all, Gillette, a company known for its razors and advertisements dripping in machismo, would never lend its name to a stadium occupied by any lesser specimen.

In week four, wife and model Gisele was asked if she was anxious to see her husband get back to work. “Of course,” she replied. “Seeing those cheekbones around the house every day is just intimidating. And, sitting on the couch playing Mahjong all day is a huge waste of talent.”

However, with five sacks and several other hard hits, questions arose as to whether or not Brady’s cheekbones would emerge from Super Bowl LI still intact. Sources say New England’s head coach Bill Belichick encouraged “Tommy” to play it safe, even adding “I would rather see an interception than risk smashing that face.”

So, an adjustment was made to the Patriot’s strategy at the half when Brady reportedly said he was ready to put his cheeks on the line. The rest is history.

Two hours later, Brady, with a perfect five-o-clock shadow, hoisted the Lombardi Trophy for a record fifth time in defiance of all the haters.

Mr. Goodell, it’s time to face the facts.

When asked if Tom Brady’s cheekbones are the greatest ever in the NFL, the answer is simple: Yes.

Author: J.B. Riggs

J. B. Riggs has no idea what he is doing here. Please inform his family of his whereabouts.