Want to get your daughter an adorable baby chick or bunny, but worry about what will happen when it’s no longer cute? This Connecticut company has the answer; just get a new one every week.
Emma Stearner turned eight on Tuesday and her father gave her an adorable chick, which she named “Peep-peep”. She’s happy as a clam out of season and her father was as uplifted and noble as helium.
But what happens when this fuzzy little bundle of cute becomes a screeching territorial buzzard? Chick-a-day has you covered. Once a week they come back, collect the old animal and replace it with a factory fresh, one week younger, matching pet.
“We only do white rabbits and yellow chicks, at this time,” said chief animalologist and director of “perpetu-pet” ethics Walther Robeson. “We’ll branch out into more colors down the road, hell, maybe even do puppies and kittens. Too early to tell right now.”
Father Jaimes Dierdre justified it by pointing out that, “most animals grow up to be forgotten and neglected. These animals grow up to be tasty.”
Others suggest it isn’t cruel because, “the only reason these animals are alive in the first place is because someone wanted a pet. Let them exist to at least enjoy their brief time on the planet,” said no one, but I liked the idea of the quote, so I jammed it in there.
More than 200 homes in New York City are already being serviced with adorable replacement pets each week. “They never age,” says Robeson. “Well, I mean, obviously they do, but they kids don’t know that.”
Graduated pets are sold to a processing plant in Delaware to be used as “agricultural products.” So if that little boy on 5th Avenue orders the Rabbit Stifado and Angelo’s on 8th, he may very well be eating his own beloved pet.
“Listen, the main reason we’re not doing puppies and kittens is because the cost would double if we couldn’t turn around and sell them,” says Robeson. “But for the right customer at the right price, hey, come on, it’s just business.”
When asked if all their doing is selling disposable, single-use pets, multi-level marketing director Pat Eurman took offense. “No, what we’re doing is renting out livestock that is too young to harvest and would otherwise be a drain on the economy. We’re creating jobs by subsidizing the food supply, literally everyone wins.”
Chick-a-Day has come under scrutiny from several international organizations. A Russian mail order bride service of the same name has issued a cease and desist for copy write infringement.
PETA has already organized protests of Chick-a-day, but management says they won’t pay attention until they bring out the nude women. Besides, PETA protests animal testing even though their own vice president is only alive because her insulin was tested thusly.