Study: Illegal Gun Owners Have Larger Genitalia

In a recent study published jointly by the NAACP and the NCAA, it has been found that those possessing firearms illegally have a penis, on average, three inches longer.

“It’s true,” said Rebecca Haywood, spokeswoman and study researcher. “I’ve seen every man through this detention center in the past month, and I have to say, guys who don’t have [concealed license] permits are bigger in the penis by two standard deviations.” Read more Study: Illegal Gun Owners Have Larger Genitalia

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Obama Lets His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre

It was a phone call that President Obama didn’t want to make, but he knew he would eventually have to. He also knew that it would do little good, but that it had to be made anyway. So, on Wednesday, he did. And he was right.

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“Good day, Mr. LaPierre. How are you doing today?”

“Oh, I was OK until you called.” Read more Obama Lets His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre

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UFO Sightings Reignite Debate Over Whether Intelligent Life Exists in Indiana

SCOTTSBURG – Following a spate of UFO sightings across southern Indiana Wednesday, debate has intensified once more over whether or not intelligent life exists inside the Hoosier State.

Several disc-shaped crafts hovering over Scottsburg, Indiana were reported to local media yesterday, while as many as three Hoosiers claimed to have been kidnapped briefly by extraterrestrials. Read more UFO Sightings Reignite Debate Over Whether Intelligent Life Exists in Indiana

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Forgetful Bush ‘Still Occasionally Turning Up to White House Unannounced’

WASHINGTON D.C. – Sources in Washington D.C. have confirmed that former U.S. President George W. Bush is still forgetfully turning up to the White House unnanounced. He was seen this morning idly walking around the grounds of the White House, apparently forgetful of the fact that he no longer lives there.

Waving to tourists and press photographers, Bush was seen walking his dog Barney around the White House Lawn this morning, just days after several news networks reported that a grey haired Caucasian man was spotted trying to wedge open a window to the Diplomatic Reception Room. Read more Forgetful Bush ‘Still Occasionally Turning Up to White House Unannounced’

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Area Grandma Thinks Googling is Sex Act

A local grandmother has become convinced that “the Google” is an amorous maneuver performed during the sexual act of “Googling.”

After watching a local news segment that profiled young couples who Googled each other after the first date, 74-year-old Gail Howerchuk became confident that to be “Googled” is to have had “the Google” performed on you by a “Googler,” and that the term she keeps hearing “thrown around by the youngins” refers to something having to do with “knick-knack patty-whack.” Read more Area Grandma Thinks Googling is Sex Act

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Local Hipster Unsure if 20 is Too Many Bracelets

Jason Just-Jason-Guy comes to this unmarked, semi-private club at least four nights a week to hear bands you’ve never heard of interpreting songs you woulnd’t get, but he wonders if he looks right.

“I put on some bracelets,” explains Jason, “but then I put on some more and some more, and I wonder if I’m being too indie when I do it, you know?” Read more Local Hipster Unsure if 20 is Too Many Bracelets

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Kid Goes Cross-Eyed, Face Gets Stuck That Way

DERRY, NH—Despite repeated warnings from his parents, an area boy kept going cross-eyed, and now his face is stuck that way.

“We warned him,” stated Sheryl Mackey, the mother of the now handicapped-looking child. “We told him if he kept doing it his face would get stuck that way. And it did. Just like we said.”

“I didn’t believe them,” said downtrodden nine-year-old Greg Mackey, his eyeballs spastically twitching inward. “I thought they were just trying to scare me.” Read more Kid Goes Cross-Eyed, Face Gets Stuck That Way

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NRA Head Wayne LaPierre As A Child Was A Real Monster

A recent biography of NRA Fuhrer Wayne LaPierre shows light on his character that reveals why he is so rabid on the topic of guns and their control.

The new book entitled ‘LaPierre- Assault Mouth’, contains the following passages:

RIGHT: AP image by doctored by Dan Casey.

Chapter 2, page 32, describes a shrieking 6 year old LaPierre running rampant with a scissors in his hand. His teacher, Maura Tarala, trying to take it from him, suddenly found she had a miniature Tasmanian Devil on her hands. Read more NRA Head Wayne LaPierre As A Child Was A Real Monster

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Morbidly Obese Man’s Wish to Crowd Surf Ends Disatrilariously

Jacob “Don’t Use My Last Name” Wilberson of Pocatello, Idaho, has had one dream since watching grunge videos in the 90s; to crowd surf.

It came to fruition this week as it also came crashing down with as many newtons in tow as a 419 pound man can muster. According to witnesses, it wasn’t pretty, but it was pretty funny.

Heywood Jalickit told Glossy News, “First of all, I don’t even know how a dude that big gets up on the stage in the first place [what with his waddly, sweaty, stubby little legs,] but then how he can manage to jump off a stage?” Read more Morbidly Obese Man’s Wish to Crowd Surf Ends Disatrilariously

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How Many Ways Will You Take Shots/Shoots in New Orleans (comic)

We’ve all been in party situations, even if we haven’t been in unbridled places like Matazlan, Cabo or Ibiza for Spring Break. No matter, you likely know the value of a shot, even if it is second hand.

This is the story of a couple taking a weekend to New Orleans, their plans for enjoying it, and the madness that may ensue. Read more How Many Ways Will You Take Shots/Shoots in New Orleans (comic)

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Chubby SouthWest Passenger Buys 2nd Seat, Denied 2nd Meal

Davis “Name withheld” Johnnson, or as we’ll anonymously call him, “Davis” has been a frequent business flier on SouthWest since the internet startup he’s employed with boomed in 2001. Normally he buys two seats and gets two meals.

“Hey, if I’m going to be that random fat guy, I have to accept that I’m going to have to buy two seats. I get that,” Said Davis anonymously, from his non-descript home at 42 Hummingbird Lane, Oakland, California, just past the green house with all the goofy yard ornaments. Read more Chubby SouthWest Passenger Buys 2nd Seat, Denied 2nd Meal

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Woman Thinking Ahead 49 Years Names Newborn Son “Murray”

LANSING, MICH — Area Woman Marcy Keller proudly announced this morning the birth of her healthy, 9 lb., 3 oz. baby boy who, in thinking ahead 49 years into his future, she named “Murray.”

Keller admits that the move to call her son “Murray” is a bit unusual since the name is traditionally given to babies who are born with a mustache, a job, and 43-52 years of painfully inane life under their size-39 belts, but insists that it just makes sense these days, tradition or not. Read more Woman Thinking Ahead 49 Years Names Newborn Son “Murray”

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Alcoholism and Mommy Issues Meet in the Crosshairs (comic)

If you’ve ever had the opportunity to tele-commute, you surely know the joys of being drunk at work. Today, our resident cartoonist Brian K. White takes it to a new level by adding it to a whole ridiculous layer of parental forsakenness.

My mom loves grand-daughters. Loves them to bits. Takes them to Disney Land, keeps them overnight, you name it. Even the 2yr-old daughter of a girl I once dated was taken to California… but my sons? No such luck.

Click on the image to see it full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Chick-a-Day Offers “Renewable” Baby Pets

Want to get your daughter an adorable baby chick or bunny, but worry about what will happen when it’s no longer cute? This Connecticut company has the answer; just get a new one every week.

Emma Stearner turned eight on Tuesday and her father gave her an adorable chick, which she named “Peep-peep”. She’s happy as a clam out of season and her father was as uplifted and noble as helium.

But what happens when this fuzzy little bundle of cute becomes a screeching territorial buzzard? Chick-a-day has you covered. Once a week they come back, collect the old animal and replace it with a factory fresh, one week younger, matching pet.

“We only do white rabbits and yellow chicks, at this time,” said chief animalologist and director of “perpetu-pet” ethics Walther Robeson. “We’ll branch out into more colors down the road, hell, maybe even do puppies and kittens. Too early to tell right now.”

Father Jaimes Dierdre justified it by pointing out that, “most animals grow up to be forgotten and neglected. These animals grow up to be tasty.”

Others suggest it isn’t cruel because, “the only reason these animals are alive in the first place is because someone wanted a pet. Let them exist to at least enjoy their brief time on the planet,” said no one, but I liked the idea of the quote, so I jammed it in there.

More than 200 homes in New York City are already being serviced with adorable replacement pets each week. “They never age,” says Robeson. “Well, I mean, obviously they do, but they kids don’t know that.”

Graduated pets are sold to a processing plant in Delaware to be used as “agricultural products.” So if that little boy on 5th Avenue orders the Rabbit Stifado and Angelo’s on 8th, he may very well be eating his own beloved pet.

“Listen, the main reason we’re not doing puppies and kittens is because the cost would double if we couldn’t turn around and sell them,” says Robeson. “But for the right customer at the right price, hey, come on, it’s just business.”

When asked if all their doing is selling disposable, single-use pets, multi-level marketing director Pat Eurman took offense. “No, what we’re doing is renting out livestock that is too young to harvest and would otherwise be a drain on the economy. We’re creating jobs by subsidizing the food supply, literally everyone wins.”

Chick-a-Day has come under scrutiny from several international organizations. A Russian mail order bride service of the same name has issued a cease and desist for copy write infringement.

PETA has already organized protests of Chick-a-day, but management says they won’t pay attention until they bring out the nude women. Besides, PETA protests animal testing even though their own vice president is only alive because her insulin was tested thusly.

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Employee of the Month Won’t Shut Up About It

INDIANAPOLIS – Having won the ‘Employee of the Month’ award for October, Mulgrove Computer Services agent Matthew Wilcox just will not shut the hell up about it.

The 43-year-old customer service agent, who won the award for “highest attainment of company call volume goals,” continues to slip his recent accolade into team meeting discussions, casual conversation with colleagues and small talk with the company’s cleaning staff. Read more Employee of the Month Won’t Shut Up About It

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Ever Feel Like There’s a Transcript of Your Life? (comic)

We’ve all been there. Wondering who’s listening, how long our words will remain. Well this lady gets a tad literal with it. You have to see the comic to appreciate it, and well you should.

CLICK ON THE IMAGE to see it full size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Taliban Reveals Their Version of the Ten Commandments

It is not well known that the Islamic Religion also uses the Bible as a prophetic religious work. That means that they believe in the Ten Commandments as received by Moses from Jehovah.

Unfortunately, as can be expected, the Taliban branch of radical Islam reinterprets them to fit its idea of the ‘holy’ way they think things should be. Read more Taliban Reveals Their Version of the Ten Commandments

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