Florida Woman Assaults Twin Over Boyfriend, Vibrator [Video News]

Heidi Creamer, yes, her real name, assaulted her buxom blonde twin sister Holly Creamer, also her real name, over a vibrator.

You think I’m joking, but this isn’t satire, it’s Florida. It’s God’s idea of satire.

Scroll down to watch this, our first ever “Daily News Update,” in which I try to make sense of the day’s headlines for your embetterment and embiggening, and cromulently so.

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Watch this Video, then scroll down for the commentary

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Career criminal and convicted drunk and coke head Heidi Creamer lost her mind yesterday, even though it was only two in the afternoon. It’s unlikely she started early, but more believable that she was still going strong from the night before.

A drunk high on coke can do some crazy things. In this case it was arguing with her sister about a vibrator and a boyfriend, in that order. Arguing crazy things is crazy, but beating her face in about it is why the police were called.

Wealthy heiresses, these are not. Despite the famous name these are not the granddaughters of the departed beverage magnate T. Kofi Creamer. No, these ladies born in 1966 were given straight up porn star names; Heidi Creamer and Holly Creamer.

Heidi’s middle name is Marie, using the equation “middle name plus childhood pet” her stripper name only comes out to Marie Bella or Marie Bailey. Neither of those come close to the power of Heidi Creamer.

Quite by accident we showed the victim’s face in the video, but since they’re twins we imagine you had a pretty good guess what she looked like already.

The mugshots show her ranging from a two to about a five. Still, twins who are both threes multiply exponentially, thus making her a nine. Well, a pair of threes, but Heidi can hook you up with the liquor or coke needed to tip the scales.

Still, non-police photos don’t look all that bad, and they aren’t, assuming you like to be battered. I know plenty of fish who do. Had she hooked up with those sorry bastards, her life would be very different.

We blurred both of them eventually, but it’s easy to tell which one is the serial criminal. She’s the one who is mere minutes older or younger, but looks ten years older. City miles is what we call them.

In Other News!

Hillary is back in the headlines for demanding $300,000 for a one hour speaking engagement at UCLA.

She has told the university that “this is the university discount rate.” If she were a normal person I’d say good for her, but if she’s angling for the presidency, don’t be a bitch about nickels and dimes in the lead up.

Her contract rider includes four different mentions of how she’d like water, an absurd request for diet ginger ale, as if that’s a thing people can just go buy, and painfully over-scripted photo ops.

Hillary detractors have quipped, “Really? Seems like kind of a dick move,” while Hillary supporters, or the Gang of Hillarity, has said, “yeah, he’s probably right. That’s kind of a dick move.”

Hillary Clinton was unavailable for comment since we didn’t ask her. Why bother, she refused to respond to CBS or any of the big dogs, there’s no way in hell she’d answer us.

Post your burning news or other questions on the YouTube comments and the top-rated one will be answered on the next “daily” news update.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

11 thoughts on “Florida Woman Assaults Twin Over Boyfriend, Vibrator [Video News]

  1. That concept makes my mind turn inside out. Somebody could do it I guess. Or him. But, they’d better bring the timber. None of that is coming out right so screw it. Damn….

  2. Sorry Gunter, let me redo the question:

    Hey Gunter, get in touch with your Chinese half!
    No self respecting oriental man would get caught dead talking with such a hick Teutonic twang!

  3. You have to factor in the extremely short attention span induced by societies relationship with technology. No one waits for anything. No one ponders anything, so a creative effort that took hours to create, seconds to execute…is still too long for them to ‘forward’ to all their friends.

    It takes only 15 seconds for a cute puppy to wipe out on his dirt biker and send a tire into someone’s crotch. Hilarious. Recovery time is a bitch but I digress.

    Ron Jeremy and his Siamese Twin will fall into the dust-bins of time because in the future, no one will even have enough patience to wade through the clumsy scene set up to see what his huge appeal was all about. Less known the penetrating question of :”Did that actually fit?”

    So my next topic suggestion: Ron Jeramy: Who’s he doing now?”

  4. Buddy, don’t think for a second I don’t fully grasp the disparity between effort and reaction. I have projects I’ve spent 40-80 hours on which have been seen by fewer than 60 viewers, most of whom didn’t bother to wait through to see its completion. Just how it goes, sadly.

  5. Come on Chang!
    Your first name is Gunter!
    You shouldn’t need to do the pidgin thing.
    It goes against your half Aryan constitution!

    News style looks real good Brian!

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