Archive | Religionism

Controversial Study Finds Jews Did Not Kill Jesus, Crucifixion Did

Controversial Study Finds Jews Did Not Kill Jesus, Crucifixion Did

SALT LAKE CITY, UT (GlossyNews) — There are approximately 38,000 denominations of Christianity in existence today, making it the most widely practiced religion in the world with over 2.1 billion adherents. And although each sect agrees on the fundamental assumption that Jesus Christ is the savior of humanity, the similarities end there.

Between denominations, doctrinal differences have sparked considerable disagreements about which groups can properly be called Christian. Replacement Theology, embraced by various aspects of the Church for over 1,700 years, is perhaps one of the most divisive. Continue Reading

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Atheists Getting Ready to Cash in on The Rapture

Atheists Getting Ready to Cash in on The Rapture

In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead. Continue Reading

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Berkeley Sociologists Urge Americans to Stay the Hell Away from Alaska

Berkeley Sociologists Urge Americans to Stay the Hell Away from Alaska

Since learning of Phil Harris’ death a few weeks ago, sociologists from U.C. Berkeley have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life — and more importantly, death — in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings. Continue Reading

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Science Nears Cure for Pat Robertson

Science Nears Cure for Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson, the famed televangelist, remains hospitalized with mysterious needle-like pains that grow worse every time he mentions Haiti, earthquake or Voodoo. The medical world continues to be baffled by the odd pathology. Actor Hugh Laurie of the popular “House” series has been called in for consultation, and even he has given up after ordering tests for leprosy, elephantitis and Lyme’s disease. Continue Reading

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Pope: “You Go to War w/ Salvation Army You Have, Not Salvation Army You Want”

Pope: “You Go to War w/ Salvation Army You Have, Not Salvation Army You Want”

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — The Salvation Army was founded in 1865. Its first converts were alcoholics, heroin addicts, prostitutes and other “undesirables” unwelcome in polite Christian society. And for nearly 150 years, these undesirables have been running one of the most lucrative and scandalous charities in existence. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism5 Comments

Congress Proposes Replacing 2010 Election w/ “Psychic Estimate” Index

Congress Proposes Replacing 2010 Election w/ “Psychic Estimate” Index

hWashington, DC (GlossyNews): House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, met with the press and Congressional leaders today to discuss replacing the 2010 mid-term election cycle with a “psychic estimate” of the voters’ true intent.

“There are just so many distractions and inherent inequalities in the current electoral process, we have to seriously question whether a fair electron is even possible,” Pelosi stated. Continue Reading

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Robertson Hospitalized with Mysterious ‘Sharp Pains’

Robertson Hospitalized with Mysterious ‘Sharp Pains’

Programming ceased today at the popular 700 Club network, as Pat Robertson was rushed to the hospital. The 79 year old televangelist complained of “like needles sticking in me all over, particularly in the crotch area.” The attack came as the religous leader was taping part 2 of an ongoing expose on Voodoo and tectonic plate activity in Haiti. Continue Reading

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Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops

Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops

WEST CHESTER, PA. – The civilized world was gobsmacked yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin.

If your brain hurts from trying to cope with the notion that there are fewer people in heaven than there are in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, try coping with this instead: if fewer than one one-bazillionth of one percent of all the people who have ever lived were good enough to get into heaven, you’re probably screwed. Continue Reading

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Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams

Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI, who threatened condom users in Africa with excommunication last year, is now taking aim on wet dreams. In an encyclical entitled God Owns the Night the supreme pontiff warned Catholics that they “cannot seek refuge in sleep” in order to enjoy illicit sexual activities. Continue Reading

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Virgin Mary Image Appears in Mex Meth Lab

Virgin Mary Image Appears in Mex Meth Lab

Unconfirmed reports out of Mexico are claiming that a stain on a bench in a meth lab located in the small town of Arre Pentido bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Villagers from all around have flocked to the meth lab to view the image for themselves and to pray for miracles. Lines have formed with people bearing candles, flowers and statues of the Virgin Mary to place at the site of the image. Continue Reading

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Pope Declares God Not Dead, Only on Vacation

Pope Declares God Not Dead, Only on Vacation

Speaking ex cathedra from the Vatican today, Pope Benedict XVI, in response to the many rumors that God (aka The Almighty, Yahweh, Allah, Bhagwan, etc.) is dead, attempted to clarify the Global situation and put the rumors to rest once and for all.

In an interview with Fr. Guido Sarducci, editor of The Vatican Enquirer, Pope Benny revealed that he had had a long conversation with The Almighty regarding his apparent lack of interest in matters earthly. Continue Reading

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Devil Sues Pat Robertson for Breach of Contract

Devil Sues Pat Robertson for Breach of Contract

A lawsuit filed by the devil in a Virginia district court claims that Pat Robertson is the party with an actual contractual relationship with Satan.

Virginia Beach – The devil filed a lawsuit in the Virginia Beach district court on Thursday suing Pat Robertson for breach of contract. “Pat Robertson has broken the terms of our agreement with him” said Arthur B. Ellzebub, an attorney for satan, “His public comments regarding various pacts we may or may not be involved in is in clear violation of the non-disclosure agreement we signed with him 36 years ago.” Continue Reading

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