Archive | Religionism

Virgin Mary Image Appears in Mex Meth Lab

Virgin Mary Image Appears in Mex Meth Lab

Unconfirmed reports out of Mexico are claiming that a stain on a bench in a meth lab located in the small town of Arre Pentido bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Villagers from all around have flocked to the meth lab to view the image for themselves and to pray for miracles. Lines have formed with people bearing candles, flowers and statues of the Virgin Mary to place at the site of the image. Continue Reading

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Pope Declares God Not Dead, Only on Vacation

Pope Declares God Not Dead, Only on Vacation

Speaking ex cathedra from the Vatican today, Pope Benedict XVI, in response to the many rumors that God (aka The Almighty, Yahweh, Allah, Bhagwan, etc.) is dead, attempted to clarify the Global situation and put the rumors to rest once and for all.

In an interview with Fr. Guido Sarducci, editor of The Vatican Enquirer, Pope Benny revealed that he had had a long conversation with The Almighty regarding his apparent lack of interest in matters earthly. Continue Reading

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Devil Sues Pat Robertson for Breach of Contract

Devil Sues Pat Robertson for Breach of Contract

A lawsuit filed by the devil in a Virginia district court claims that Pat Robertson is the party with an actual contractual relationship with Satan.

Virginia Beach – The devil filed a lawsuit in the Virginia Beach district court on Thursday suing Pat Robertson for breach of contract. “Pat Robertson has broken the terms of our agreement with him” said Arthur B. Ellzebub, an attorney for satan, “His public comments regarding various pacts we may or may not be involved in is in clear violation of the non-disclosure agreement we signed with him 36 years ago.” Continue Reading

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Dick Cheney Tapped to Fill Retiring Satan’s Seat

Dick Cheney Tapped to Fill Retiring Satan’s Seat

In a surprise move Sunday, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, announced his retirement citing that after thousands of years of initiating pestilence, wars, catastrophes and general mayhem, he was ready for a break.

“The job wears you down.” the Great Evil One said in a rare interview yesterday. “The fun goes out of it after a while. It is time to turn it over to some one new to run.” Continue Reading

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Special Ring of Hell Created for CEOs

Special Ring of Hell Created for CEOs

God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO’s and other business leaders who have helped to create the present world-wide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn’t stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willingly agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis). In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title ‘Raising Hell’ created the following new sectors, much on the order of a uniquely unpleasant theme park: Continue Reading

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Mark of the Beast “666” Encoded on Holiday Gift Cards

Mark of the Beast “666” Encoded on Holiday Gift Cards

A record number of Christians have been flooding their local Wal-Mart stores and asking for replacements for the gift cards they received for Christmas due to the fact that they claim the mark of the beast “666” has been encoded within the card.

Although the card numbers themselves do not contain the number 666, customers have complained that when they go to Wal-Mart intending to use the cards to purchase items, their purchases almost always total out to either $6.66, $66.66 or for larger purchases $666 and change. Continue Reading

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Was Jesus a British Citizen?

Was Jesus a British Citizen?

If one is to believe the latest Gospel being proclaimed from on high by Scottish academic and archaeologist Reverend ‘Gorbals Jack’ McTwattie, Jesus Christ came to Britain to further his education and help out his old pikey Uncle – Joseph of Arimathea – with his pioneering tin canning business. Continue Reading

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Oral Roberts Moves to Heaven in 3-Way Yankees/Phillies Trade

Oral Roberts Moves to Heaven in 3-Way Yankees/Phillies Trade

Tulsa — Granville Oral Roberts was traded to heaven in a reported three-way deal with the New York Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies, one of whom reportedly stated after the World Series, “I’d sell my soul to play for the Yankees.”

Some are claiming God may have violated the terms of an ill-fated 1986 agreement in which Roberts would be claimed on waivers to heaven if he didn’t raise $8 million for missionary work and convert souls at a .280 average or better. Continue Reading

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Big Brother Targets Kindergarten Radicals

Big Brother Targets Kindergarten Radicals

The UK’s Big Brother think tanks at Chatham House and the Tavistock Institute have now – in their superior wisdom – ordained nursery-age children should be monitored for signs of Pavlovian brainwashing by Islamist extremists – according to a leaked police memo left in a trashcan at Hyde Park’s Whistleblower’s Corner – with copies being passed on to the Daily Snitch and the Grassers Gazette. Continue Reading

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Switzerland to Ban Muslim Minarets

Switzerland to Ban Muslim Minarets

Conservative moderate Swiss voters turned out en masse to support a referendum proposal banning the building of any more Islamic minarets.

More than 75% of voters and 22 out of 26 cantons voted in favor of the ban – with the remaining 25% voting to deport the Muslims themselves.

The proposal had been put forward by the Swiss People’s Party (SVP), the largest in Parliament, Continue Reading

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Cannibals say ‘Sorry’ for Eating Vicar

Cannibals say ‘Sorry’ for Eating Vicar

A man whose English great-great-great grandfather was murdered then marinated in a hickory sauce for two days before being barbequed and eaten by South Pacific cannibals has taken part in a unique reconciliation ritual on their home island.

In the 1830’s the Reverend Jonah Salmonella and his assistant Jeremiah E. Coli were the most famous brimstone and Hellfire Bible-bashing missionaries of the age – and too, joint founders of the Jesus Crust Church of Latter Day Bakers.
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Party Animal Gaddafi Goes Bonkers

Party Animal Gaddafi Goes Bonkers

Two hundred gold-digging Italian slappers bit off more than they could chew last Sunday night after answering a recruitment ad’ to attend a posh wine and dine shagfest do in the salubrious and elegant suburbs of exotic Rome.

However canapés and cocktails were definitely not on the strict Muslim menu and the legion of sun-tanned buxom young beauties found themselves being sermonised to convert to Islam, with a greater percentage going into knicker-pissing shit scared mode when they thought they were going to end up getting white-slaved into some Arabian harem as three-hole suck and swallow sluts for the rest of their natural born days. Continue Reading

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Pope to Search Space For New Communicants/Converts

Pope to Search Space For New Communicants/Converts

THE VATICAN, Rome — The Pontifical Academy sent out news this week that the Vatican was beginning to search far and wide for new communicants. This seemingly sudden rush to sign up new members follows quickly on the rather poor response to Pope B-Dict’s pass at the dissatisfied clergy of the Anglican and Episcopal churches of England and the USA respectively. Continue Reading

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Huckabee Secret Meeting With Robertson Revealed

Huckabee Secret Meeting With Robertson Revealed

Virginia Beach, Va. – Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee met in secret with Dr. Pat Robertson at his Regent University offices recently, and we’ve got the exclusive on this private meeting.

At first glance, the meeting would seem to have been a request for Rev. Robertson’s support. Having one of the nation’s best-known televangelists publicly voice political support could help Huckabee in his quest to reassure conservative Republicans that he is the candidate they want because of his views on abortion rights and gay marriage. Continue Reading

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Beefeaters Accused of Rampant Sexism

Beefeaters Accused of Rampant Sexism

Two Beefeaters at the Tower of London have been suspended from duty – by the thumbs – while a third is currently undergoing a course of extraordinary rendition in the Tower’s basement dungeons in connection with allegations of harassing their female vegetarian colleague. Continue Reading

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Idiotic India Goes on Wicked Witch Hunt

Idiotic India Goes on Wicked Witch Hunt

A small coven of women were paraded naked, beaten with sticks of rhubarb and forced to eat human excrement by superstitious villagers after being branded as witches in India’s remote northern Moronland province.

Police chief Ramjam Jaffacake told a reporter from the Ducking Stool Gazette that the victims were Muslim widows who had been labelled as witches by a local Hindu fakir – Ragtat Gaga – after he saw them riding broomsticks and fornicating with a ‘man-goat’ in a dream the previous night. Continue Reading

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