Archive | Religionism

‘Eat-A-Turd for the Taliban’ Big Success In Tribal Afghanistan

‘Eat-A-Turd for the Taliban’ Big Success In Tribal Afghanistan

AFGHANISTAN (GlossyTribalNews) — In the remote tribal areas of Afghanistan, the Taliban declared today as the official “Eat A Turd For Muhammad Day.” Hundreds of armed Taliban fighters visited scores of remote tribal villages and forced village people at gunpoint to eat crap in order to show their true submission to Muhammad.

Ziki Al-Ghabouni, a spokesman for the Taliban, claims nearly a 100% of villagers participated in the event and only two dozen or so were, ‘sent to meet Muhammad’ for failing to participate. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Strange People11 Comments

God Releases His Bible Tablet Beta 0.92

God Releases His Bible Tablet Beta 0.92

MT. ARARAT, ISRAEL —GlossyNews In a rather earth-shaking display today, God has brought the Burning World Bible Tablet to “My People on earth”, as he said in a poorly attended news conference called by Pope B*dict XVI by teleconference from the Vatican’s Starbucks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Technology2 Comments

Jehovah’s Witness Probe Widens, Officials Going Door-to-Door

Jehovah’s Witness Probe Widens, Officials Going Door-to-Door

Tallahatchie County DA Kirk Shatner gazes into the distance when pressed on his crusade against the Jehovah Witness organization. “Oh yeah, I know what some people say. That I’m picking on an unpopular minority in blatant appeal to the fundamental Christian voting bloc for my Lieutenant Governor bid. It ain’t nothing like that. This is about perjury, plain and simple. Perjury is a serious crime.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism29 Comments

Preacher Claims Bible Written About Other Earth-Like Planet

Preacher Claims Bible Written About Other Earth-Like Planet

BAYNARD’S BOTTOM, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — A retired Methodist Minister claims that the Bible which supposedly depicts the history of our planet since the time God created it and everything in it was really written about another planet.

He claims that astronomers have recently discovered a planet that is almost identical to Earth, but that planet lies over a trillion light years away and is therefore making it difficult to prove his theory. Even more puzzling is how their history got to this planet, leading to one of the largest celestial mix-ups of our time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Strange People0 Comments

Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

MOUNT ARARAT, Turkey (GlossyNews) — In the close-knit evangelical archeological community, few can recall more dizzying heights and tragic lows in such a short time span. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of the large Biblical ship on Mt. Ararat. Further excavations yielded the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and the body of slain Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science0 Comments

Suicide Bomber Surprise – Few of 72 Virgins Young or Women

Suicide Bomber Surprise – Few of 72 Virgins Young or Women

TEHRAN, Iran – Future suicide bombers around the globe woke up with a jolt today, when they realized they faced a surprising religious announcement from a leading Iranian cleric. No, it wasn’t the sound of their vests exploding, but it was just as startling for them considering the ramifications.

The Super Exclusively Grand Ayatollah in Iran acknowledged that the supposed 72 Virgins waiting in Heaven for any departed suicide bomber who has chosen the path of martyrdom are not always young. He also added with a grimace that they also aren’t always girls. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, War Zone0 Comments

Rwandan General Killed Millions, Accepted Christ, Welcomed to Heaven

Rwandan General Killed Millions, Accepted Christ, Welcomed to Heaven

Due to what some non-theists like to call a “gaping hole in theism”, General Mbutu Ngariao, perhaps best known as the Rape General, third in command during the Rwandan genocide, has been able to eleventh-hour-apologize and slip his way into the Kingdom of Heaven.

“We recognize that the whole ‘just accept Christ as your Lord and Savior’ bit may be something of a loophole, but it’s part of our doctrine and the very way we’re able to bring so many into Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, War Zone2 Comments

Newlywed Husband Uses Scripture to Write-Off Premature Performance

Newlywed Husband Uses Scripture to Write-Off Premature Performance

Jason Margwalter, or Talahasee, Florida, recently wed his highschool sweetheart. Since both of them had saved themselves for marriage, allegedly, they had high expectations for their wedding night. Not all went quite to plan, according to new bride Nichole, but thanks to the power of the Bible, Jason had a ready explanation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

Jihadists Taking Pre-Marital Classes to Prep for 70-Virgin Afterlife

Jihadists Taking Pre-Marital Classes to Prep for 70-Virgin Afterlife

The newest Jihadists have been instructed in a rare, word-of-mouth Al Qaeda fatwa to begin learning the most important teaching of their future suicidehood — that of preparing themselves for their final reward, the 70 black-eyed virgins. So-called “fighters” are being told to marry the widows of those who have fallen before them. They need to prepare physically for the arduous task after their suicides, how to keep 70 virgins happy in the afterlife. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, World News0 Comments

Preacher Terry Jones to Replace Geraldo as World’s Hugest DongGobbler

Preacher Terry Jones to Replace Geraldo as World’s Hugest DongGobbler

Not since Geraldo Rivera stood outside Al Capone’s vault, has there been a TV moment with a bigger chance of bombing than Terry Jones’ Quran burning tonight, September 11, 2010. Terry Jones, the firebrand preacher of a Pentecostal Offshoot Church in Gainesville, Florida is determined to burn the Muslim holy book on Saturday September 11 at his Dove World Outreach Center to commemorate September 11, 2001, the day when hatred against Muslims exploded across the United States. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism10 Comments

Glenn Beck Threatens to Create New Religion “Ameri-Mormonistianity”

Glenn Beck Threatens to Create New Religion “Ameri-Mormonistianity”

Coming off the self-proclaimed super success of his Restoring Honor Rally in Washington, D.C., Glenn Beck has reached the level of leadership needed to take his prophetic brand of hegemony to the next level.

But is his firebrand flavor of beliefs different enough and believable enough to catch on with the majority of Christians who are tired of being lied to? Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Strange People3 Comments

Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial duties of Hell, LLC. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Sportsfolk0 Comments

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