Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

WASHINGTON D.C. – Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party – which comprises some of his most ardent followers – knew about his own socialist leanings.

The Son of God kept relatively quiet during the Republican presidential primaries, which saw candidates hurl vitriolic attacks against President Obama for “socializing the United States of America.”

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However, statements made by presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, who accused Obama of left-wing radicalism, prompted Christ to speak out.

“Look, I was under the impression that my stance on political issues was widely known across the American congress,” he said. “How much clearer can I be? Did I not famously share the wealth when I fed the five thousand? I thought I was pretty clear about that. And did I not lead a revolution against Roman imperialism. I mean, hello? How much of a clue do you need?”

During the 45-minute rant Thursday, Christ also hit back at critics of President Obama’s 2010 Healthcare Reform Bill, which continues to come under heavy fire from the majority of Republicans since its ratification.

“How many times do I have to say it?” he continued. “When I heal the sick, I don’t turn away patients because of pre-existing conditions or because they don’t have health insurance. If somebody needs medical care, I give it to them. Period.”

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“If anything, the president didn’t go far enough.”

Christ, a former teacher and laborer, was also quick to point out his propensity for forming communes, a word synonymous in Republican circles with communism.

“I just don’t know what else to say to these conservatives. Firstly, communism and socialism are two vastly different political systems,” he said. “Secondly, if the GOP presidential candidates were such loyal followers of mine and everything I stand for, why were they so opposed to the idea of looking out for one another.”

“Did I not, after all, teach the idea of loving each other? Yes, I think that was me.”

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.