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PhD Thesis Lists “Yahoo Answers” as Source

PhD Thesis Lists “Yahoo Answers” as Source

MIT has become embroiled in a massive academic scandal after the discovery that one of its PhD students’ thesis utilized Yahoo Answers as a source.

Although details are still murky, sources inside the university claim PhD candidate Phillip Kwon inserted the citation as the 84th footnote for his doctoral thesis on Intermolecular Transpiration, which he defended before a committee last spring. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Environment3 Comments

Report: Someone, Somewhere Actually Pursuing Career In Dental Hygiene

Report: Someone, Somewhere Actually Pursuing Career In Dental Hygiene

INDIANAPOLIS – A report released Friday has found that someone, somewhere is actively taking steps to realize a lifelong dream of becoming a dental hygienist.

Even though the position would require a wide level of seemingly demeaning duties, such as cleaning people’s gums and treating others for gingivitis, the report found that an individual – possibly more than one – is presently enrolling in a 2-year associates degree program at a dental hygienist school, with the intention of actually turning it into a career. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education1 Comment

Plan to Introduce Head Lice in Ohio Schools Has Many Scratching Their Heads

Plan to Introduce Head Lice in Ohio Schools Has Many Scratching Their Heads

The Ohio State Board of Education is set to vote on a new policy aimed at curbing violence in Ohio schools by introducing head lice to K-12 campuses statewide.

The vote comes on the heels of a similar decision by the Montpelier Board of Education, which approved a measure to release head lice onto K-12 students of the Williams County School District earlier this year.

School officials say the decision to voluntarily infest Ohio students is aimed at preventing incidents of violence among students relying on on “a proven method with roots predating human history.”

“Look, if you’re like most people, just hearing the word ‘lice’ makes you want to scratch,” said Harry Pickens, Public Relations Director for the Ohio Department of Education.

“But guess what?” he asked, inspecting my head carefully. “You get used to it! Head lice aren’t harmful. They aren’t dangerous. They don’t spread disease, or cause injury. They’re not even unsanitary! In fact, they are most happy when living, feeding and reproducing on a regularly cleaned human head.

“But more importantly,” Pickens continued, smoothing my hair back into place, “the act of social grooming – picking lice out of each other’s hair, for example – is a crucial activity among social creatures like primates and humans, and has been for tens of millions of years. It reinforces social structures and family links, and helps build relationships. Social grooming is even a basis for reconciliation and conflict resolution.

“Mark my words: That’s just the sort of thing that’s going to keep these kids from shooting each other someday,” he said, scratching.

“Not to nit-pick, but when we wage a war on head lice and win, we actually lose, because a fundamental method of building human relationships dies along with them,” concluded Pickens. “The only clear winners here are the shampoo companies.”

While the Board of Education’s plan gets under the skin of some Ohio residents, others find it less irritating than previous alternatives.

Ohio native Morgan Lingonberry of Defiance County had this to say:

“When I was a kid, the teacher stuffed a sock in my mouth, duct-taped my hands and feet together, and threw me in a plywood box down the hall when I misbehaved in class. But, who knows? Maybe if the girl that sat behind me in math class had been picking bugs out of my hair, it would have calmed me down a little bit. I probably wouldn’t have gotten into nearly so much trouble.”

The Ohio Association of School Nurses’ position on the issue: “Studies have shown that head lice are not harmful to anything but our delicate sensibilities. There is clearly an unnecessary social stigma surrounding these hapless blood-sucking vermin. If having lice didn’t result in social judgment, we probably wouldn’t even care about them at all.

“On the other hand, studies have also shown that mutual grooming is a precursor to coitus and pair bonding, so the Ohio school board will probably need to balance their efforts by handing out lots of condoms to lice-infested teens.”

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Posted in Education, Health1 Comment

Student Cramming in Some Last Minute Procrastination

Student Cramming in Some Last Minute Procrastination

MUNCIE, IN – Ahead of his first midterm exam Monday, Ball State University English major, Ross O’Keefe, was hard at work Sunday cramming in some much-needed and last minute procrastination.

Equipping himself with the tools required to compose a detailed essay on literary criticism, with particular reference to the works of Mark Twain, the 18-year-old spent a good portion of Sunday night dicking around on Facebook. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education2 Comments

Family Research Council: Maryland Lawyers, Prepare for Divorce Workload

Family Research Council: Maryland Lawyers, Prepare for Divorce Workload

In an email sent to several law firms in Maryland, the Family Research Council (FRC) advised that should the marriage equality referendum pass on November 6th, they will be overrun with requests for divorce from currently married men.

This warning is based on the assumption that there are many married men in Maryland who wish to marry other men as opposed to their current female spouses.

We have not been able to find any statistics from states that have already approved marriage equality to back this up, so we have asked for clarification from the right wing organization. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education2 Comments

Lewd, Lascivious Lawyer Legal Literature

Lewd, Lascivious Lawyer Legal Literature

A LEWD, LASCIVIOUS LOOK AT OUR LOCAL LAW LIBRARY.

They say that lawyers are a breed apart. In fact, we should wonder if they should really even be considered a part of the human species at all, especially as evidenced by a peek at these books found at our local campus law library:

Famous Humanistic Lawyers

A three page book; one of those being the title page and the other the Table of Contents. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education1 Comment

Roving Bands of Children Rule Chicago

Roving Bands of Children Rule Chicago

CHICAGO- While the teachers strike is in full swing, the closing of public schools has allowed roving bands of children to compete for supremacy on Chicago’s streets. While reports are unclear which group has gained the most territory, it is understood that there are power struggles through out the city.

The children, ranging from ages 5 to 17, have organized themselves in to small militia groups based on preexisting gang affiliations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education0 Comments

16 Year Old Cambridge, MA, Girl Hates Being a Hoar

16 Year Old Cambridge, MA, Girl Hates Being a Hoar

16-year-old Samantha Hoar (pro: Whore) told her parents today that she hates her name and wants to change it to something with less social stigma. Her wealthy parents refused her request.

“The Hoars helped build this country,” said her father Richard Hoar, Esq. of the law firm Hoar & Hoar. “If she doesn’t like being a Hoar then she will have to wait until she’s legal age before she can change it!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Education6 Comments

Autism Speaks Discovers Cure for Autism

Autism Speaks Discovers Cure for Autism

In a shock announcement yesterday, Autism Speaks, based in Long Island, New York, stated that after years of struggle, they had finally discovered a way to cure a condition that has baffled parents and scientists alike since it was first named in the 1940s by Leo Kanner (pronounced “Conner”).

“We had been struggling with the problem of childhood autism for decades,” Dr. Walter Ransome, Autism Speaks’ chief scientist said. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Health22 Comments

Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun

Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun

INDIANAPOLIS – With around two weeks to go until the start of school, Indiana mom Annette Nichols is anxiously getting her 6-year-old son ready for his first day of what will ultimately be no more fun.

Enrolling him in classes at Brookside Elementary School in Indianapolis, Nichols, 37, has already accompanied her son, Evan, to a Back to School festival in an effort to teach him that his days of unbridled playtime are set to become increasingly rare as he gets older. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Society2 Comments

NASA Launches Mission to Find Intelligent Life on Earth

NASA Launches Mission to Find Intelligent Life on Earth

Cape Canaveral, Fla.- After the recent success and attention garnered from the mars rover, Curiosity, NASA launched a probe to Earth with the intent to discover if intelligent life does exist, or has ever existed on the planet.

Many controversial theories have arose over recent years arguing whether or not the planet could sustain intelligent life.

The new rover, called Buick Skylark, is the biggest rover NASA has constructed to date, which hopefully will recapture the public’s fascination with space after the failed attempts of the previous Earth rovers Ford Taurus and the joint Japanese venture, Toyota Camry.”The Taurus Seemed like a suitable choice with its reliability to value ratio, but that simply wasn’t the case,” explained Senior Systems Analyst Scott Boyers. He added, “The Toyota Camry just crashed into the surface.” The Camry’s unfortunate malfunction was thought to have been due to a faulty accelerator.

The previous rovers also lacked the equipment to detect if worth while existance had occured on the planet. The rover Buick Skylark is an impressive structure that has aboard various instruments to test for the existence of knowledgable life.

“Aboard the Buick Skylark, are specific instruments to test for the possibility of intelligent life. A copy of The New Yorker, a sensibly well balanced meal, and several historical documentaries are designed to attract possible intelligent life forms,” says Flight Director David Oh.

Administrator, Charles Bolden has high hopes for the project, stating that “Quite frankly, we don’t know if intelligent life has ever existed there or not. We are well aware of some lesser life forms living on Earth, but so far, have yet to conclude if there are any worth while conversations out there. This will mark a proud day for humanity if we, in fact, do discover intelligent life. Although we have had some compelling evidence, it simply isn’t conclusive.”

Early prototypes proved too compact and comfortable to truly be called a “Buick”.

The habitable environment, rich atmosphere, and supposed examples of non-fiction texts seem to be the evidence scientists have been using to back the “Meaningful Life on Earth” thesis, but skeptics argue that these texts were mere fabrications and depressions left in trash cans outside campus housing.

The rover was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida and landed in the vapid wasteland of Scottsdale, Arizona. Scientists, did not expect to find evidence of intelligent life at that particular location, but hope that the rover is capable of searching the region in order to find ground breaking evidence they need to keep space exploration alive.

Deputy Administrator Lori Garver added, “This is our last shot. Funding is drying up despite our recent success and publicity around Curiosity. We aim to find a way to sustain life on Earth for future generations to come. If we don’t find any conclusive evidence, surely the human experiment will be finite.”

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Posted in Education, Technology8 Comments

Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened.

Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who were later killed by neighboring Native Americans, historic Flaverhaven nestles quietly among the towering Adirondacks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education1 Comment

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