16 Year Old Cambridge, MA, Girl Hates Being a Hoar

16-year-old Samantha Hoar (pro: Whore) told her parents today that she hates her name and wants to change it to something with less social stigma. Her wealthy parents refused her request.

“The Hoars helped build this country,” said her father Richard Hoar, Esq. of the law firm Hoar & Hoar. “If she doesn’t like being a Hoar then she will have to wait until she’s legal age before she can change it!” Read more 16 Year Old Cambridge, MA, Girl Hates Being a Hoar


Autism Speaks Discovers Cure for Autism

In a shock announcement yesterday, Autism Speaks, based in Long Island, New York, stated that after years of struggle, they had finally discovered a way to cure a condition that has baffled parents and scientists alike since it was first named in the 1940s by Leo Kanner (pronounced “Conner”).

“We had been struggling with the problem of childhood autism for decades,” Dr. Walter Ransome, Autism Speaks’ chief scientist said. Read more Autism Speaks Discovers Cure for Autism


Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun

INDIANAPOLIS – With around two weeks to go until the start of school, Indiana mom Annette Nichols is anxiously getting her 6-year-old son ready for his first day of what will ultimately be no more fun.

Enrolling him in classes at Brookside Elementary School in Indianapolis, Nichols, 37, has already accompanied her son, Evan, to a Back to School festival in an effort to teach him that his days of unbridled playtime are set to become increasingly rare as he gets older. Read more Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun


NASA Launches Mission to Find Intelligent Life on Earth

Cape Canaveral, Fla.- After the recent success and attention garnered from the mars rover, Curiosity, NASA launched a probe to Earth with the intent to discover if intelligent life does exist, or has ever existed on the planet.

Many controversial theories have arose over recent years arguing whether or not the planet could sustain intelligent life.

The new rover, called Buick Skylark, is the biggest rover NASA has constructed to date, which hopefully will recapture the public’s fascination with space after the failed attempts of the previous Earth rovers Ford Taurus and the joint Japanese venture, Toyota Camry.”The Taurus Seemed like a suitable choice with its reliability to value ratio, but that simply wasn’t the case,” explained Senior Systems Analyst Scott Boyers. He added, “The Toyota Camry just crashed into the surface.” The Camry’s unfortunate malfunction was thought to have been due to a faulty accelerator.

The previous rovers also lacked the equipment to detect if worth while existance had occured on the planet. The rover Buick Skylark is an impressive structure that has aboard various instruments to test for the existence of knowledgable life.

“Aboard the Buick Skylark, are specific instruments to test for the possibility of intelligent life. A copy of The New Yorker, a sensibly well balanced meal, and several historical documentaries are designed to attract possible intelligent life forms,” says Flight Director David Oh.

Administrator, Charles Bolden has high hopes for the project, stating that “Quite frankly, we don’t know if intelligent life has ever existed there or not. We are well aware of some lesser life forms living on Earth, but so far, have yet to conclude if there are any worth while conversations out there. This will mark a proud day for humanity if we, in fact, do discover intelligent life. Although we have had some compelling evidence, it simply isn’t conclusive.”

Early prototypes proved too compact and comfortable to truly be called a “Buick”.
The habitable environment, rich atmosphere, and supposed examples of non-fiction texts seem to be the evidence scientists have been using to back the “Meaningful Life on Earth” thesis, but skeptics argue that these texts were mere fabrications and depressions left in trash cans outside campus housing.

The rover was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida and landed in the vapid wasteland of Scottsdale, Arizona. Scientists, did not expect to find evidence of intelligent life at that particular location, but hope that the rover is capable of searching the region in order to find ground breaking evidence they need to keep space exploration alive.

Deputy Administrator Lori Garver added, “This is our last shot. Funding is drying up despite our recent success and publicity around Curiosity. We aim to find a way to sustain life on Earth for future generations to come. If we don’t find any conclusive evidence, surely the human experiment will be finite.”


Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened.

Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who were later killed by neighboring Native Americans, historic Flaverhaven nestles quietly among the towering Adirondacks. Read more Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku


Discrimination 101 Being Taught in Georgia Schools

While education money is tight right now all across America, parents in the State of Georgia needn’t worry. By combining math with any number of other subjects, some cash-strapped Georgia teachers are finally able to stretch those education dollars and still give the kids some quality education.

Take math and history, for example. In Clayton County, Georgia, 9-year olds are not only learning their fractions, but also learning about slavery in the south. Read more Discrimination 101 Being Taught in Georgia Schools


The Prosperity Preschool

About this time last year, I found myself confronted with a daunting task: enrolling my son in a preschool. As all American parents know, it’s a choice upon which a child’s entire future can hinge, and requires diligence, focus, and tenacity.

I should say that I needed to enroll him in a new preschool, since, like any high-achieving three year-old, he was already attending school, and since, as with the previous schools, the current one wasn’t quite working out. Let’s say it was a disaster. Yes, the teachers were nice, the students too, but their values were utterly un-American. Read more The Prosperity Preschool


Get Drunk… It’s for the Children

A lot of different communities have started a recycling program, commonly called “Cans for Kids.” The concept is to collect and recycle aluminum cans and have the proceeds go towards things such as children’s education.

Many of these programs have had a significant impact on education, providing college scholarships, funding arts programs and providing better quality education materials. Read more Get Drunk… It’s for the Children


Chicago High School Replaces Gym Equipment with Nintendo Wii Stations

Chicago, Ill – GlossyNews.com – Chicago’s George Washington High School is the first in the nation to bring its gymnasium into the 21st century by replacing all of its gym equipment, including balls, bats, paddles and nets with two big-screen Nintendo Wii Stations with virtual a personal trainer. The idea spun out of Michelle Obama’s drive to make the nation’s youth more active and stamp out the growing trend toward juvenile obesity. Read more Chicago High School Replaces Gym Equipment with Nintendo Wii Stations


Yale Outsources Entire Undergraduate College to Singapore

NEW HAVEN, CT In a move that some disgruntled faculty equate with a capitalistic effort to cut costs, Yale University will outsource its entire undergraduate educational system (collectively known as Yale College) to Singapore’s National University beginning Fall quarter 2013.

Citing spiraling education costs, Yale’s College president, R. Cheney said in a press conference held in Singapore that “the university will begin an ‘experiment’ in 2013 to see if a quality education can still be produced at an 80% reduction in costs.” Read more Yale Outsources Entire Undergraduate College to Singapore


Glenn Beck Online University Institutes Dress Code

COLORADO CITY, Arizona (GlossyNews) — Glenn Beck University was begun earlier this year by Glenn Beck following his receiving an honorary doctorate from fundamentalist Christian-led Liberty University.

Beck now believes he is qualified to offer college-level courses in American History, Economics and the Constitution, and does so under the guise of calling his courses Faith, Hope and Charity. It is, for Beck, a noble cause. He is single-handedly teaching the “truth” to anyone who will listen. Read more Glenn Beck Online University Institutes Dress Code


Education Bill Overhaul: Bad Teachers Charged as Criminals

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — A controversial portion of President Obama’s newest education initiative has come under fire from the American Federation of Teachers, which claims the measure is not only unconstitutional but absurd.

The provision in the President’s overhaul of the “No Child Left Behind Act” would hold all teachers accountable for their students’ performance and, in some cases, allow authorities to criminally prosecute teachers with poorly performing students. Read more Education Bill Overhaul: Bad Teachers Charged as Criminals


Dr Amy Bishop Sets New Standards Of Academic Freedom

Birmingham, AL Ivory tower intellectualists everywhere have taken note of the new level of entitlement achieved by Professor Amy Bishop of the University of Alabama. Used to having great perks attached to their jobs, Ms. Bishop has definitely raised the bar of academic entitlement beyond anyones expectations.

Denied tenure, which is the life long guarantee of a job at a teaching facility, a wonderful benefit unattainable for we mere mortals, Ms. Bishop went off the deep end (a place she apparently visits quite often) and shot six of her colleagues at a faculty meeting in anger over the refusal, killing three of them. As she was being taken away Ms. Bishop using her clear, lucid thinking machine, stated that they weren’t really dead. Read more Dr Amy Bishop Sets New Standards Of Academic Freedom


Texas Conservatives Vote to Make Textbooks “Right”

AUSTIN, TX (GlossyNews) — Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards for public schools, the Texas school board has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum that would highlight the underrated achievements of conservatives, emphasize the role of Christianity in American history and include Republican political philosophies in textbooks. Read more Texas Conservatives Vote to Make Textbooks “Right”


California Professors Compare 4% Pay Cut to Holocaust

Berkley, CA (BNSE) — California college professors and students took to the streets again today to protest Governor Schwarzenegger’s stark austerity plans to bring the deficit burdened California state budget back in line. Chief among their complaints are designated cut backs in the state’s higher education budget, including reductions in the number of courses offered, tuition increases, and a 4% pay cut for teaching professors. Outraged professors compared the pay cut to World War II Nazi Holocaust of 6 million Jews, the Rape of Nan-king, and the burning of the Library at Alexandria, among other historical tragedies. Read more California Professors Compare 4% Pay Cut to Holocaust