Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (2/2)

Shhh. Don’t laugh. This is pretty damn serious stuff.

1.

Rob, Surname-Lacking and Achingly Committed Painfully Irritating Tenure-Cadger

“Relevant?” That’s a word people in power always use to dismiss me.

Endorsement from “Dr” Kent Hovind

Woo! Tell me about it. Oh, and speaking of “woo,” the Devil already conspired with the Trans-Uranian Spandex Episcopalian Green Illuminati to have me thrown in jail, so I guess the logocentric attempts of ungodly governments to coercively impose semiotic closure on me are really off the leash, huh?

Rob

(I know, again. Never shuts up, this lad, does he?)

White men like me have it hard, too. If you were down here with me, a lowly and conspicuously subaltern tenure-botherer, you wouldn’t be saying what you are saying.

Endorsement from  “Dr” David Duke.

(Not to be confused with “Dr” Kent Hovind!)

Why do whiiiiiiiiite people always get discriminated against? ;(

2.

Rick, Semi-Nameless and Pompously Semi-Reconstructed-Modernist Gadfly

You must have a pretty weak stomach to be made nauseous by a supposedly non-existent entity.

Endorsement from “Reverend” Ian Paisley Senior

(Ah, alright, I’ll quit. That s***’s gettin’ real old)….

Aye, now, but see here; that thur Divvill down thur is right ‘n’ cunning, so he is. I wouldn’t put it past him, now.

 Rick

(Again? Well, of course. He’s not one for shutting up at the mere drop of a mortar bomb mortar board!)

Shouldn’t your ‘ironic’ critique and ‘parody’ be a little less mournful and Stalinistic?

Endorsement from Professor (N.B.) Richard Dawkins:

Oh, blahddy hell… Why don’t you just let them be, Rick? Let the dead bury their dead, and don’t throw pearls to swine. They’re clearly beyond your help. Science is uninteresting to them, so if they don’t agree, they might as well just baggah off.

3.

Klubber Bonez, Notable Washed-Up and Achingly-Vanilla-Centric Humanitarian Liberation Performance Artist

Your brassiere looks good on me bathroom mirror

You know it’s my mirror cos you thinks us a winner.

We all likes fun so don’t call me nah sinner.

Come in us crib babe, ‘n’ cook me some dinner.

Brap-brap-wooooooo!

Endorsement from Simon Cowell:

To be honest, I’ve heard better. Well actually, I definitely haven’t. But, well, you know what I mean.

Endorsement from Louis Walsh:

Ah, bejasus! Who the hell is this pretentious humanitarian music activist lad? He can go shove his feckin’ 35-string electric mandolin up his bloody arse!

4.

 Ernst… 40-word-volume-long-ish German Name and Title Severely Abridged Here ;)

For, in the shadow of the death-camps and of the gulags and of the neoliberal boardroom, who now dares to speak of arguments? Poetry and rhetoric is all that is left unto us.

Endorsement from Theodor Adorno:

This guy is an asshole.

Quotemining jerk.

***

There are actually some other weird and not-so-wonderful characters that I haven’t mentioned in this two-part piece; but I’m going to cut this one a bit short.

After all, too much reading about ivory tower professional theorists from his novel makes Wallace Runnymede a dull intellectual terrorist, um, artistic radical performance art hooligan.

However, before the launch of the ebook, you will see a sample of the work here at GlossyNews.

I’ll bring you an excerpt before the launch in mid-July. The launch date changed slightly in line with late-capitalist bourgeois consensus norms on labour time ;)

And tell you the truth The Truth(s), Wallace Runnymede is quite excited about this.

Uh oh, I’m being shouted down here. These comrades um, friends, um, irritating acquaintances of mine are quite difficult to “Reason” reason with…

Truth, indeed! Why, the boy’s gone mad!…

Oh, to but dare to speak of truth, in a place like this! Now, I shall call the security regulators. We must immediately cleanse this place of such defiling and ideologically mystifying tendencies!

Yes, that last one was indeed from Sophia Fichte. See yesterday’s instalment.

To wit, part (1/2), according to mainstream bourgeois mathematics ;)

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