Archive | Crime

‘Serial Killer Supermarket’ Draws Controversy

‘Serial Killer Supermarket’ Draws Controversy

A Cambodian chain of supermarkets has come up with an ingenious idea to deal with the countries massive population and turn a profit, but the new out of the box idea has been raising a few eyebrows and other facial hair pieces.

You didn’t hear wrong, but you also didn’t hear right. This is an actual thing, and while we’re not sure what it is will certainly not deter us from reporting on it, and ad naseum at that. Just for good measure.

The story is still developing, but it is said that ‘serial killer’ has become the most sort after occupation in Cambodia, people are dying for the opportunity.

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

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Posted in Crime, Video News3 Comments

“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society3 Comments

Conspiracies Abound, But Here’s Some Undeniable Truth

Conspiracies Abound, But Here’s Some Undeniable Truth

There are so many conspiracy theories out there, but who knows which are true and which are nothing more than steaming mounds of hot, delicious bullshit.

Well Glossy News knows, and that’s why we sent our very own reporter out on the scene to make such determinations. Below is a detailed infographic of what he found. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime0 Comments

Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA

Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA

In the wake of The Sopranos star James Gandolfini’s sudden death,libertarians everywhere are saying the actor was assassinated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

Just after getting word of the Gandolfini’s tragic passing, the website ronpaulrulz posted the following conspiratorial explanation:

Libertarians and freedom-loving people everywhere refuse to accept the mainstream corporate media’s account of Jimbo Gandolfini’s death.

Our eyes have been opened, and we are putting down the Kool-Aid in exchange for some Natty Light, with Liberty Constitution at our side. Gandolfini was in fact killed because his role as organized crime boss Tony Soprano spat directly in the face of big government and authoritarian politics.

By running his business like John Galt would if we had an absence of government, with every man for himself, Soprano symbolized everything hated by the establishment. In killing off Jimbo, the CIA was finally able to exact revenge for his noxious quibbling against their tyranny.

Martine Nicole of Paris expressed similar suspicions, saying “The evidence is startling. This unfunny and not satirical practice of the people believing mainstream journalism is positively unnerving. If we only listened to true free market sources like Russia Today, then the misconception would be completely cleared up.”

Another libertarian from New Hampshire said: “If Ron Paul was president, and Gary Johnson was VP, we would have a full explanation for why Gandolfini died. Better yet, BDSM would be legalized between men and boys, because as we all know, government is tyranny.”

Although reports are still coming in, some sources say the libertarian skeptics are planning a mass protest in Washington, D.C. which will include the consumption of great amounts of laxatives.

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Posted in Crime, Television1 Comment

Mysterious Explosions Rock Goodsprings

Mysterious Explosions Rock Goodsprings

Two days ago, the people of the sleepy town of Goodsprings, who had successfully fought off a group of Powder Gangers only some days before, experienced a series of gas explosions which levelled most of the inhabited buildings.

The mysterious nature of these explosions was that they all had the exact same cause. Continue reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People0 Comments

Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa

Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa

After failing to find his body in a field in Oakland Township, MI, federal authorities announced today that they have found several other locations throughout the United States that may be hiding the body of former Teamsters Boss Jimmy Hoffa.

“We have had leads from a number of psychics, mob leaders and average citizens”, said former FBI agent John Anthony. “And we will leave no stone unturned until we find him!”

Anthony says he and his team will be searching a vacant lot in Ojai, CA, a cornfield in Iowa, a series of caves in New Brunswick and an apple orchard in New Hampshire.

“He’s probably not in the orchard but we’re going to check it anyway”, Anthony stated. “And if none of these places check out we do have a few more”.

Federal authorities and private citizens have spent $132 million looking for Hoffa’s body since 1975 to no avail. Much of the money has been spent on bribing mobsters, digging up fields and lawns, tearing down homes and interviewing possible witnesses. The remainder of the money is being used to keep FBI agents employed.

“We won’t stop until we’ve torn apart this entire country!” Anthony declared.

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Posted in Crime, Society0 Comments

Batman to Spend More Time in Jail than Rapists

Batman to Spend More Time in Jail than Rapists

Gotham— Crime rates have dramatically dropped in this great city since the emergence of Batman. With the government’s best in the pockets of Gotham’s worst, it seemed like the role of the law was to look the other way. That’s why we needed someone outside of the law to fix things.

Yes, the citizens rest easier under the watchful eye of the world’s greatest detective, vigilante, and furry. “I’ve gone two years without having to cancel a credit card,” says May Gitrobbed (33) mother of two and dark alley enthusiast. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime2 Comments

Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 this week to allow police to collect the DNA of person(s) suspected of “serious” crimes, exciting suspects across the country who are eager to receive their free handjobs.

Despite critics arguing that this new precedent violates the 4th amendment to the constitution which protects against unlawful searches and seizures, suspected criminals themselves have demonstrated their overwhelming support of the Court’s ruling, turning out in droves to police stations across the country to volunteer for this new “government handjobs program.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime2 Comments

Prostitute Asks Colleague “Have You Ever Been Arrested?” (comic)

Prostitute Asks Colleague “Have You Ever Been Arrested?” (comic)

We’ve all been there. We’ve all asked our co-worker for an ounce of advice, and in too many cases, the question is misunderstood. This comic speaks precisely to that.

Click on the image to see it full-sized.

Brian is on temporary personal leave but has left us with an innumerous backlog of comics to share until his return. Check back for daily updates.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

7-picked-up-fuzz1

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Posted in Comics, Crime1 Comment

NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales

NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales

The NRA, flush with a victory over the US Government and common sense in general with their defeat of all gun bills, has decided to keep on a roll and create more gun sales by stimulating more mass shootings.

Observing that the sale of guns actually increases after mass killings and after threats of gun control restrictions, the NRA has decided to go for broke. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics1 Comment

Travesty of Virginia Deeming Sodomy Legal (comic)

Travesty of Virginia Deeming Sodomy Legal (comic)

Virginia may ostensibly be for lovers, but recent legislation sought to restrict exactly which kinds of love that could be. Specifically, they wished to ban sodomy.

This would mean no oral varieties or hinterlands sorts, but the bill was struck down. According to this comic, not everyone is happy with the decision, though perhaps not for the reasons you’d imagine. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Crime2 Comments

Drunk Telephone Pole Hits Pedestrian

Drunk Telephone Pole Hits Pedestrian

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Capitol Hill is under lockdown after reports that an intoxicated telephone pole hit a pedestrian walking by his position on Constitution Avenue.

The assault allegedly occurred early Saturday morning after a pair of street lamps to the tree’s north and south suddenly shut off, allowing the cover necessary to strike Anthony Goldberg, AIPAC’s senior legal counsel.

Police have managed to chain down the tree, known by other shrubbery as Franklin, and are awaiting a court date to charge him with Growing Under Influence (GUI). Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops1 Comment

Black Rescuer Lucky He Didn’t Get His Ass Thrown In Jail During Rescue

Black Rescuer Lucky He Didn’t Get His Ass Thrown In Jail During Rescue

It fortunately went so miraculously well.

A girl held hostage for ten years breaks free of her bonds and manages to get to the door of her captors house.
She yells through the mail slot that she needs help and identifies herself.

A black neighbor hears her cries and helps her break out of the door. With his aid she escapes with her daughter from the house of the man who abused her. She tells him that there are two other women inside also held prisoner. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime1 Comment

Highlighter Pens for Maximum Havoc (comic)

Highlighter Pens for Maximum Havoc (comic)

Is it illegal to deface bills? What if you only deface them invisibly? I have a new hobby, and that is defacing large bills invisibly to humiliate future users of the bills.

They might be embarrassed, they might get a funny look from the bouncer, but at the end of the day, someone is going home with an amazingly funny story to tell someone, whether that’s a girlfriend, boyfriend, or booking officer. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Crime0 Comments

Satire Takes Fire for Accusing NRA of Causing Boston Bombing

Satire Takes Fire for Accusing NRA of Causing Boston Bombing

Satire websites have been publishing a very popular conspiracy article concerning the NRA being behind the Boston Marathon bombing as a way to detour attention away from the gun limitation bills that had been going through Congress at the same time.

As is usually the case with such stories, many people tuning into the site take the article seriously and start believing that there really is something going on. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Crime7 Comments

NRA Considers Pressure Cookers as a Future Income Possibility

NRA Considers Pressure Cookers as a Future Income Possibility

The NRA, fresh from its victory of further controlling American laws by defeating all Congressional bills limiting access to guns of mass destruction, is now looking to further extend its power.

Successfully cowing and buying off Senators involved with the bills, the NRA now wants to expand the range of its control in the U.S.

Now that the future manufacture of assault rifles is secure the NRA must search for other venues to expand its grasp and other weapons of unsuspected mass destruction fit the bill. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime2 Comments

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