Archive | Crime

Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa

Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa

After failing to find his body in a field in Oakland Township, MI, federal authorities announced today that they have found several other locations throughout the United States that may be hiding the body of former Teamsters Boss Jimmy Hoffa.

“We have had leads from a number of psychics, mob leaders and average citizens”, said former FBI agent John Anthony. “And we will leave no stone unturned until we find him!”

Anthony says he and his team will be searching a vacant lot in Ojai, CA, a cornfield in Iowa, a series of caves in New Brunswick and an apple orchard in New Hampshire.

“He’s probably not in the orchard but we’re going to check it anyway”, Anthony stated. “And if none of these places check out we do have a few more”.

Federal authorities and private citizens have spent $132 million looking for Hoffa’s body since 1975 to no avail. Much of the money has been spent on bribing mobsters, digging up fields and lawns, tearing down homes and interviewing possible witnesses. The remainder of the money is being used to keep FBI agents employed.

“We won’t stop until we’ve torn apart this entire country!” Anthony declared.

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Posted in Crime, Society0 Comments

Batman to Spend More Time in Jail than Rapists

Batman to Spend More Time in Jail than Rapists

Gotham— Crime rates have dramatically dropped in this great city since the emergence of Batman. With the government’s best in the pockets of Gotham’s worst, it seemed like the role of the law was to look the other way. That’s why we needed someone outside of the law to fix things.

Yes, the citizens rest easier under the watchful eye of the world’s greatest detective, vigilante, and furry. “I’ve gone two years without having to cancel a credit card,” says May Gitrobbed (33) mother of two and dark alley enthusiast. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime2 Comments

Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 this week to allow police to collect the DNA of person(s) suspected of “serious” crimes, exciting suspects across the country who are eager to receive their free handjobs.

Despite critics arguing that this new precedent violates the 4th amendment to the constitution which protects against unlawful searches and seizures, suspected criminals themselves have demonstrated their overwhelming support of the Court’s ruling, turning out in droves to police stations across the country to volunteer for this new “government handjobs program.” Continue Reading

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Prostitute Asks Colleague “Have You Ever Been Arrested?” (comic)

Prostitute Asks Colleague “Have You Ever Been Arrested?” (comic)

We’ve all been there. We’ve all asked our co-worker for an ounce of advice, and in too many cases, the question is misunderstood. This comic speaks precisely to that.

Click on the image to see it full-sized.

Brian is on temporary personal leave but has left us with an innumerous backlog of comics to share until his return. Check back for daily updates.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

7-picked-up-fuzz1

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Posted in Comics, Crime1 Comment

NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales

NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales

The NRA, flush with a victory over the US Government and common sense in general with their defeat of all gun bills, has decided to keep on a roll and create more gun sales by stimulating more mass shootings.

Observing that the sale of guns actually increases after mass killings and after threats of gun control restrictions, the NRA has decided to go for broke. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics1 Comment

Travesty of Virginia Deeming Sodomy Legal (comic)

Travesty of Virginia Deeming Sodomy Legal (comic)

Virginia may ostensibly be for lovers, but recent legislation sought to restrict exactly which kinds of love that could be. Specifically, they wished to ban sodomy.

This would mean no oral varieties or hinterlands sorts, but the bill was struck down. According to this comic, not everyone is happy with the decision, though perhaps not for the reasons you’d imagine. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Crime2 Comments

Drunk Telephone Pole Hits Pedestrian

Drunk Telephone Pole Hits Pedestrian

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Capitol Hill is under lockdown after reports that an intoxicated telephone pole hit a pedestrian walking by his position on Constitution Avenue.

The assault allegedly occurred early Saturday morning after a pair of street lamps to the tree’s north and south suddenly shut off, allowing the cover necessary to strike Anthony Goldberg, AIPAC’s senior legal counsel.

Police have managed to chain down the tree, known by other shrubbery as Franklin, and are awaiting a court date to charge him with Growing Under Influence (GUI). Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops1 Comment

Black Rescuer Lucky He Didn’t Get His Ass Thrown In Jail During Rescue

Black Rescuer Lucky He Didn’t Get His Ass Thrown In Jail During Rescue

It fortunately went so miraculously well.

A girl held hostage for ten years breaks free of her bonds and manages to get to the door of her captors house.
She yells through the mail slot that she needs help and identifies herself.

A black neighbor hears her cries and helps her break out of the door. With his aid she escapes with her daughter from the house of the man who abused her. She tells him that there are two other women inside also held prisoner. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime1 Comment

Highlighter Pens for Maximum Havoc (comic)

Highlighter Pens for Maximum Havoc (comic)

Is it illegal to deface bills? What if you only deface them invisibly? I have a new hobby, and that is defacing large bills invisibly to humiliate future users of the bills.

They might be embarrassed, they might get a funny look from the bouncer, but at the end of the day, someone is going home with an amazingly funny story to tell someone, whether that’s a girlfriend, boyfriend, or booking officer. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Crime0 Comments

Satire Takes Fire for Accusing NRA of Causing Boston Bombing

Satire Takes Fire for Accusing NRA of Causing Boston Bombing

Satire websites have been publishing a very popular conspiracy article concerning the NRA being behind the Boston Marathon bombing as a way to detour attention away from the gun limitation bills that had been going through Congress at the same time.

As is usually the case with such stories, many people tuning into the site take the article seriously and start believing that there really is something going on. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Crime7 Comments

NRA Considers Pressure Cookers as a Future Income Possibility

NRA Considers Pressure Cookers as a Future Income Possibility

The NRA, fresh from its victory of further controlling American laws by defeating all Congressional bills limiting access to guns of mass destruction, is now looking to further extend its power.

Successfully cowing and buying off Senators involved with the bills, the NRA now wants to expand the range of its control in the U.S.

Now that the future manufacture of assault rifles is secure the NRA must search for other venues to expand its grasp and other weapons of unsuspected mass destruction fit the bill. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime2 Comments

Last Alliance of Idiots and Morons March for Bloomberg

Last Alliance of Idiots and Morons March for Bloomberg

NEW YORK CITY – Police are out in force after a grand alliance of idiots and morons took to Times Square to march in support of Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his policies.

Though the protesters already numbered over 40,000 by noon on Tuesday, reinforcements being provided by Ignoramuses Anonymous are expected to double the total by the late evening.

Participants interviewed crowed animatedly when confronted by reporters from Central Central News.

Barney Thomas of Sunnydale, California said, “Hear this as I speak it – this is how history will be written! But there were some who resisted. One last alliance of idiots and morons marching for the Mayor Bloomberg and his policies of maximum freedom for each individual and American!”

The activists are believed to be members of The Grand Idiot and Moron Coalition, a group which describes a tenet of its mission as “To promote radical libertarian policies and limited government that does not infringe on charity or consumption rights.”

When questioned about the groundswell of support, Bloomberg admitted he is puzzled, but nonetheless thrilled. “At last people are beginning to appreciate the glorious sense of belonging in my state of maximum liberty.”

To Liberty On Live correspondent Megyn Tantaros’ question of how he can equate his soda tax and charity donations to libertarianism, Bloomberg gave a sharp response.

“People who give themselves over to my policies are experiencing absolute freedom – from themselves.”

Other sources say Ron Paul is in limbo. And shaking his head.

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Posted in Crime, Entertainment, Politics, Top Stories1 Comment

Report: TSA Agents Receive Eternal Cavity Searches in Hell

Report: TSA Agents Receive Eternal Cavity Searches in Hell

Washington is ablaze with fury after one of Satan’s lieutenants accidentally leaked the conditions of punishment for TSA agents in Hell, which include cavity searches that never ever end.

Buroz Baliferous, a lower demon who works under Satan in the Department of Purgatory Projects, mistakenly emailed details of how the federal workers are treated when they pass through hell’s front gate after a life of pan-molestation to Congressman Hank Johnson’s office. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops0 Comments

FBI to Boost Recruitment, Remove Fitness Requirement

FBI to Boost Recruitment, Remove Fitness Requirement

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to meet the growing diversity of the nation, the Department of Justice has announced changes to physical requirements for FBI special agents which will replace regular running with power walking.

Current requirements for selection make applicants run 1.5 miles in under 11 minutes. Under the new plan, one who can power walk the same distance in approximately an hour will be considered equally capable. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, War Zone4 Comments

Dogs must reduce drug sniffing, says Supreme Court

Dogs must reduce drug sniffing, says Supreme Court

“I don’t want no drug sniffing dogs around here,” said Ms. P. Innuckope (not her real name). “I got nuff trouble with human junkies without them bringing their pets.”

Ms. Innuckope was one of many that were relieved when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the decision of the Florida Supreme Court to restrict the right of dogs to sniff for drugs in a neighborhood. “Let them junkies do their own damn sniffing,” she remarked. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime1 Comment

Google Search For ‘Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial’ Evolves Into ‘Reeva Steenkamp Topless’

Google Search For ‘Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial’ Evolves Into ‘Reeva Steenkamp Topless’

INDIANAPOLIS – During a routine navigation of the internet Friday, a local man’s Google search for the keywords “Oscar Pistorius murder trial” evolved over the course of 7 minutes into “Reeva Steenkamp Topless.”

Initially looking to gain up-to-the-minute news on the murder trial of South Africa’s famed special Olympian, Indianapolis man James Kinsella subconsciously clicked a related article about Pistorius’ late girlfriend Miss Steenkamp – who the athlete is accused of murdering. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sports Scandals2 Comments

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