Archive | Crime

Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather

Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather

Josh Holbecker, a 25 year old time traveler from the year 2072, was arrested this morning after traveling back in time and killing his grandfather, 22-year-old Harvard graduate student Ernest Holbecker.

Josh claims that his father, who has not yet been born, will be responsible for global catastrophe in 2071. He claims he was simply saving the world.

“My dad invented a device that would result in the deaths of 12 billion people!” Josh stated. “There’s only 500,000 people left alive and we are all in underground bunkers. But I was supposed to disappear when I killed my grandfather! What the f..k?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Science & Technologizzy5 Comments

Gun Makers Pissed Shoop Mall Shooting Only Kills Himself

Gun Makers Pissed Shoop Mall Shooting Only Kills Himself

American Arms Manufacturers are upset that a man had the audacity to enter a mall, shoot it up, and not intentionally hit anyone else other than himself.

On Nov. 3rd 20 year old Richard Shoop entered the New Jersey Garden State Plaza Mall, shooting into the walls and ceiling but not harming anyone.

RIGHT: Garden State Plaza Mall gunman Richard Shoop’s “Explore Talent” web entry. CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE.

Police evacuated the mall and found Shoop’s body hours later, dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound.

Gun manufacturers have been ‘up in arms’ about it. Pun intended.

“What the hell is the purpose of that?” asked Joe Bullhead, spokesman for Fun Guns, a line of guns in various colors that can be easily concealed on ones person.

“He went to all that trouble and then only shot himself! If he had made a massacre there would have been a big deal about it in the media, then people would have rattled on about gun control which in turn would have sent other people scrambling to buy guns thinking they would be banned. We would have made a mint! But this guy has to go and waste such an opportunity. What an idiot!”

“This obviously was a very disturbed individual.” stated Joe Kill, a promoter of gun shows and pro gun events across the country. “He had entirely the wrong idea of what assault rifles are all about. They aren’t designed for shooting up walls and windows.

“They are meant for shooting people. Duh!!!!!!! A real psycho would have made his mark then and there. He could have done a lot for putting more guns into peoples hands and more money into our pockets, but no, he had to go and be self centered about it.”

“Using guns is for real men, not wussies.” said Tore Breakbone, a survivalist trainer who also sells ammo online. “This spineless Richard Shoop will never have an action movie made about him! He was just some punk kid who wanted to go out in a blaze of glory and fame. His blaze is more of the flickering of a wet match and his fame is to be remembered as a wet noodle of a rifleman. He should be buried in an unmarked grave for such wimpiness as that.”

Gun control advocates, being deft about the situation, wisely did not make a big issue about the Shoop incident, saying only “Good, he shot himself.” This enraged gun sellers even more, causing them even greater sales losses due to the passive reaction to the near-tragedy.

Trying to recoup their non-sales, they attempted sponsoring a pro-gun protest at the Garden State Plaza Mall itself, but failed due to a lack of interest because there were no gun control advocates to piss off, thus ruining their whole incentive.

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Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks

Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks

LOS ANGELES, CA – An investigation has begun into allegations that members of the fashion police have deliberately set out to target blacks during routine fashion exposes and before-and-after shots.

The announcement comes after 2,000,000 eye-witnesses reported seeing singer Beyonce attacked inside the pages of several high profile magazines earlier this month, when dozens of “highly unflattering” images of the pregnant star were allegedly exposed by fashion police. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society0 Comments

Study: Gun Advocates Commonly Cowards?

Study: Gun Advocates Commonly Cowards?

A recent study conducted by the NRA surprisingly finds instances of gun ownership are tied directly to those prone to acts of cowardice.

The study surveyed 924 gun owners and asked them a variety of questions, and included 323 non-gun owners as a control group.

When the question was asked “Would you stand up to a bully in the street?” 84% of gun owners said “yes”, but when asked if they’d do so without a gun, the number shrunk to just 14%, compared with 42% of non-gun owners. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society18 Comments

Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals

Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals

For years, our nation’s law enforcement agencies have made great technological strides in their efforts to hunt down criminals. Thanks to popular shows like CSI Miami, CSI New York, CSI Las Vegas, and the lesser known CSI Akron, CSI Schenectady and CSI Terre Haute, Indiana, police in our nation’s most crime-ridden cities (have you been to Terre Haute lately? Lock your doors!) are now able to use sophisticated tools to solve perplexing crimes and track down the bad guys.

But soon our nation’s police may turn to a decidedly low tech solution to help them catch a thief, that is, if they take my expert crime-prevention counsel. I give you Exhibit A: baggy pants – preferably worn about mid-thigh – by fashion-conscious urban gang members. Continue Reading

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In wake of Zimmerman verdict, Florida legislature criminalizes being black

In wake of Zimmerman verdict, Florida legislature criminalizes being black

Super Uniden antennas will help improve your widescreen Sharp TV signal reception.

Recently, our nation’s attention was focused on Sanford, Florida, where a mostly white jury found George Zimmerman not guilty of murder or manslaughter in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman claimed he shot the unarmed black youth in self-defense, which it totally was, of course. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime1 Comment

‘Serial Killer Supermarket’ Draws Controversy

‘Serial Killer Supermarket’ Draws Controversy

A Cambodian chain of supermarkets has come up with an ingenious idea to deal with the countries massive population and turn a profit, but the new out of the box idea has been raising a few eyebrows and other facial hair pieces.

You didn’t hear wrong, but you also didn’t hear right. This is an actual thing, and while we’re not sure what it is will certainly not deter us from reporting on it, and ad naseum at that. Just for good measure.

The story is still developing, but it is said that ‘serial killer’ has become the most sort after occupation in Cambodia, people are dying for the opportunity.

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

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Posted in Crime, Video News3 Comments

“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society3 Comments

Conspiracies Abound, But Here’s Some Undeniable Truth

Conspiracies Abound, But Here’s Some Undeniable Truth

There are so many conspiracy theories out there, but who knows which are true and which are nothing more than steaming mounds of hot, delicious bullshit.

Well Glossy News knows, and that’s why we sent our very own reporter out on the scene to make such determinations. Below is a detailed infographic of what he found. Continue Reading

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Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA

Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA

In the wake of The Sopranos star James Gandolfini’s sudden death,libertarians everywhere are saying the actor was assassinated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

Just after getting word of the Gandolfini’s tragic passing, the website ronpaulrulz posted the following conspiratorial explanation:

Libertarians and freedom-loving people everywhere refuse to accept the mainstream corporate media’s account of Jimbo Gandolfini’s death.

Our eyes have been opened, and we are putting down the Kool-Aid in exchange for some Natty Light, with Liberty Constitution at our side. Gandolfini was in fact killed because his role as organized crime boss Tony Soprano spat directly in the face of big government and authoritarian politics.

By running his business like John Galt would if we had an absence of government, with every man for himself, Soprano symbolized everything hated by the establishment. In killing off Jimbo, the CIA was finally able to exact revenge for his noxious quibbling against their tyranny.

Martine Nicole of Paris expressed similar suspicions, saying “The evidence is startling. This unfunny and not satirical practice of the people believing mainstream journalism is positively unnerving. If we only listened to true free market sources like Russia Today, then the misconception would be completely cleared up.”

Another libertarian from New Hampshire said: “If Ron Paul was president, and Gary Johnson was VP, we would have a full explanation for why Gandolfini died. Better yet, BDSM would be legalized between men and boys, because as we all know, government is tyranny.”

Although reports are still coming in, some sources say the libertarian skeptics are planning a mass protest in Washington, D.C. which will include the consumption of great amounts of laxatives.

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Posted in Crime, Television1 Comment

Mysterious Explosions Rock Goodsprings

Mysterious Explosions Rock Goodsprings

Two days ago, the people of the sleepy town of Goodsprings, who had successfully fought off a group of Powder Gangers only some days before, experienced a series of gas explosions which levelled most of the inhabited buildings.

The mysterious nature of these explosions was that they all had the exact same cause. Continue reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People0 Comments

Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa

Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa

After failing to find his body in a field in Oakland Township, MI, federal authorities announced today that they have found several other locations throughout the United States that may be hiding the body of former Teamsters Boss Jimmy Hoffa.

“We have had leads from a number of psychics, mob leaders and average citizens”, said former FBI agent John Anthony. “And we will leave no stone unturned until we find him!”

Anthony says he and his team will be searching a vacant lot in Ojai, CA, a cornfield in Iowa, a series of caves in New Brunswick and an apple orchard in New Hampshire.

“He’s probably not in the orchard but we’re going to check it anyway”, Anthony stated. “And if none of these places check out we do have a few more”.

Federal authorities and private citizens have spent $132 million looking for Hoffa’s body since 1975 to no avail. Much of the money has been spent on bribing mobsters, digging up fields and lawns, tearing down homes and interviewing possible witnesses. The remainder of the money is being used to keep FBI agents employed.

“We won’t stop until we’ve torn apart this entire country!” Anthony declared.

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Batman to Spend More Time in Jail than Rapists

Batman to Spend More Time in Jail than Rapists

Gotham— Crime rates have dramatically dropped in this great city since the emergence of Batman. With the government’s best in the pockets of Gotham’s worst, it seemed like the role of the law was to look the other way. That’s why we needed someone outside of the law to fix things.

Yes, the citizens rest easier under the watchful eye of the world’s greatest detective, vigilante, and furry. “I’ve gone two years without having to cancel a credit card,” says May Gitrobbed (33) mother of two and dark alley enthusiast. Continue Reading

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Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 this week to allow police to collect the DNA of person(s) suspected of “serious” crimes, exciting suspects across the country who are eager to receive their free handjobs.

Despite critics arguing that this new precedent violates the 4th amendment to the constitution which protects against unlawful searches and seizures, suspected criminals themselves have demonstrated their overwhelming support of the Court’s ruling, turning out in droves to police stations across the country to volunteer for this new “government handjobs program.” Continue Reading

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Prostitute Asks Colleague “Have You Ever Been Arrested?” (comic)

Prostitute Asks Colleague “Have You Ever Been Arrested?” (comic)

We’ve all been there. We’ve all asked our co-worker for an ounce of advice, and in too many cases, the question is misunderstood. This comic speaks precisely to that.

Click on the image to see it full-sized.

Brian is on temporary personal leave but has left us with an innumerous backlog of comics to share until his return. Check back for daily updates.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

7-picked-up-fuzz1

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Posted in Comics, Crime1 Comment

NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales

NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales

The NRA, flush with a victory over the US Government and common sense in general with their defeat of all gun bills, has decided to keep on a roll and create more gun sales by stimulating more mass shootings.

Observing that the sale of guns actually increases after mass killings and after threats of gun control restrictions, the NRA has decided to go for broke. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics1 Comment

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