Category: Crime
Memory Foam Mattress Recounts Continued Abuse
A memory foam mattress from Florida has made its first appearance in court today in a case detailing years of continued abuse by married couple Mr and Mrs Winemuff. Looking nervous the memory foam mattress took the stand and began…
Weather (man) Beaten
A weatherman has been beaten and is recovering in hospital after an attack outside news offices. The attack happened at about 8pm local time when a middle-aged woman ran up to local weatherman Ryan Storm and shouted “sunshine” while throwing…
Target Changes Employee Uniforms – Red Shirts No Longer Safe
After multiple deaths, Target has decided to make a change in the uniforms of it’s employees. This decision was made once the connection of the uniforms was made to Star Trek. It is well known that any crew wearing a…
Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit
Scandal visited peaceful Mayfield, Ohio this week with news Agnes Javits has been dismissed from Warner Oland Elementary School. With over forty years in cafeteria service, beloved ‘Miss A’ was easily the most recognized town resident, having served lunch to…
FBI Paints Up, Infiltrates Insane Clown Posse
The F.B.I. reports that they have their hands full with the notorious street gang, the Juggalos aka Insane Clown Posse (ICP) fans. The Bureau defines ICP fans as a “loosely-organized hybrid gang,” that “exhibits gang-like behavior and engages in criminal…
Batmobus?
Proving that we can all have car trouble from time to time Gotham City’s central bus route was graced with the presence of the Dark Knight himself, Batman. It has been reported that at about 9:45pm the Bat signal could…
Americans Beg: Let Our Corporations Speak
God bless America. In January 2010, the Supreme Court of the United States finally brought justice to a long oppressed minority: Citigroup – and the other Fortune 500 companies which have for too long been ignored in our Democracy. I…
Mob Bosses Fear Liam Neeson-Style Dad
With the second ‘Taken’ documentary set to hit cinemas worldwide this autumn it has emerged that mob bosses and various crime syndicates, especially those within the human trafficking trade, are fearing Liam Neeson-style dad attacks. The documentary, which follows Mr Neeson as he tries…
Gun Enthusiasts Enthusiastic Following Theater Shooting
I recently had the great fortune to talk to Guy Fortescue, head of the NRA chapter in Lexington, Kentucky, about the Second Amendment and what he’d previously described to me as the “integral American liberty to carry guns.” What follows…
A Dad’s Rage Causes $150 Worth of Damage
A family home was turned into a war zone when a dad turned bad in the small hours of yesterday morning. Mr Elliot, needing a midnight snack, entered his kitchen in his average suburban home to fix himself a sandwich only to…