Jihadis Excited About Self-Driving Cars

Jihad organizers, coordinators and enthusiasts met this week in San Antonio, Texas, to advance their myriad causes. A panel discussion entitled “Sub-Suicide Bombings” brought up an interesting possibility; autonomous cars.

Speaking from room 410 at the Henry B. Gonzalez Convention Center, Achmed Mumuhammed said, in response to a question about technology, “Once self-driving cars are on the streets, that will take over for suicide bombings.” Read more Jihadis Excited About Self-Driving Cars

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Introducing The Karl Valentin ‘Schonsten Blodsinn’ Contest

Every year since 1969 Bavaria’s greatest inventors have assembled for a contest that would try their talents to the limits. It is a grueling test of imagination, innovation, creativity, genius and, well, madness.

No, it is not a gathering of engineers designing next year’s new BMW, it is the annual Karl Valentine Schonsten Blodsinn Wettbewerb. Read more Introducing The Karl Valentin ‘Schonsten Blodsinn’ Contest

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Federal Warning Over Agressive Toys

This morning the federal government issued warnings to parents over toys that are currently being sold for the holiday season which may pose a potential harm to their families.

The revised Furby animated toy has been identified in several dangerous incidents involving both children and adults in recent weeks.

A revision to a toy that had been easily incorporated into the family several years ago, the newest version has evolved into a creature that no longer is bound to just blinking at you and uttering synthesized syllables. Read more Federal Warning Over Agressive Toys

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Man Ponders Extra Device Chargers, Very Existence

Tonight I ran into a problem that maybe you have experienced in our current electronic age. After plugging in the cell phone, laptop, iPad, iPod, and Garmin GPS, I seem to have an extra charger with no device attached. How is that possible?

Although the first thought is that you have all of the important devices covered, the nagging feeling that there is something else waiting for it’s daily feeding of cheap energy (it’s not) bothers me. Read more Man Ponders Extra Device Chargers, Very Existence

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E-Z Home Water Boarding Kit a Favorite w/ Parents This Season

Dallas, TX – (SatireWorld.com)

The amazing E-Z Home Waterboarding Kit has broken all sales records as parents across the US snapped up a kit for their personal use at home.

Children and teens everywhere are now easily spilling the beans about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with, as the easy-to-use waterboard is put to daily use in millions of US homes. Read more E-Z Home Water Boarding Kit a Favorite w/ Parents This Season

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iPosture: Junk Gadget and Total Ripoff

Earlier this year my wife saw a clever gadget on television. It’s called the iPosture; a button-sized gizmo that promises to correct your posture with a quiet, subtle vibrating reminder. The only problem is that it’s a massive ripoff.

We ponied up our $70 to buy it. When it came, I examined it closely and it turns out it’s just a circuit, watch battery, mercury switch and vibration motor… it’s a $5 gadget, though it’s sold at $70. Read more iPosture: Junk Gadget and Total Ripoff

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Nine Technologies Our Kids Will NOT Use in the Future

With all the talk of the future and what it will bring, there is some question as to what the future might mean to you, our dear readers. For example, did you know that in the future wheat will actually be corn?

Since it would be illegal to be money on these predictions, we’re comfortable saying that we totally would have, if we could. So please take this as your handy guide to what the future will bring. Read more Nine Technologies Our Kids Will NOT Use in the Future

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Review of Motorola’s Amazing DynaTac 8000

First off I want to thank Motorola for sending me this phone. I know they are having a hard time keeping these in stock due to popular demand.

To start with, I plugged the DynaTac into my clothes dryer outlet because unfortunately it doesn’t use a standard outlet. This was slightly inconvenient but it’s a small price to pay for the abilities of this phone. Read more Review of Motorola’s Amazing DynaTac 8000

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Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps

Cupertino, CA – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s plan for restoring the U.S. economy will lead to a new era of high employment and prosperity for the nation, according to Apple’s new iOS 6 based Maps app.

By entering Mr. Romney’s plans for lowering taxes on the wealthy and eliminating government regulation into their Maps app, users of the new iPhone 5 are able to view America’s future rosy position at the top of the world’s economies. Read more Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps

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Greece Patents The Wheel

After Apple successfully suing Samsung for sharing the patented rectangle shape, the country of Greece has sought to ease their ongoing financial crisis by patenting the wheel.

The country could only manage to gain a patent over the everyday object in America were the US patent office stretches the very definition of the guidelines for a ‘novel and non-obvious idea’.

A spokesperson for the US patent office said that, in the case of Apple, the curving edges of the rectangular phone were so unique that they had to give Apple the patent. Read more Greece Patents The Wheel

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iPhone 5 Replaces All of Your Personal Relationships

SAN FRANCISCO- In a groundbreaking statement issued to press, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the new iPhone will “replace all of your loved ones and cherished relationships.”

The phone and features were announced earlier this week, already prompting some to begin distancing themselves with their loved ones in preparation for the release of the phone later on in September. Read more iPhone 5 Replaces All of Your Personal Relationships

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The iPhone 6

Consumer research has found that people are already anticipating the arrival of the iPhone 6.

It would seem that customers cannot wait to buy the iPhone 6 and have been putting off their upgrade to the iPhone 5, which was launched last week.

The Internet is already abuzz with rumours about what the iPhone 6 will be able to do. Some bloggers are speculating about the availability of 10G, which will build heavily on 4G, once it is invented. Read more The iPhone 6

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Apple Announces New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn

Cupertino, CA – Apple Inc. today announced the next generation of their rainbow-crapping unicorn, the “Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 5.”

The name surprised the entire unicorn-blogging world after wide speculation that the latest Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn would be called the Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 6 or the New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn HD Super Plus.

As expected, Apple’s stock price benefited from the announcement and rose so fast that every single recession the nation has ever seen was deleted from the history books. Read more Apple Announces New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn

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Microsoft to Build With 360s

At a surprise press conference yesterday, Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft Corporation, announced that the monopolistic software company, infamous for its various Windows operating systems, is erecting a new building at its headquarters in Redmond, Washington State.

That was not the most remarkable part of yesterday evening’s statement, however.

“We’re going to use Xbox 360s that were unfairly blocked from Xbox Live or deactivated entirely by our updates to their firmware as part of the construction,” Ballmer explained. Read more Microsoft to Build With 360s

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$35 Dollar Computer? Why Not, & It’s Gaining Momentum

It’s been an extremely slow month for news with nothing interesting going on. I’ve heard things about a big sporting event taking place in London, an upcoming Presidential election, talks of some new third-world countries developing nuclear weapons, groups of people in Syria being profoundly grumpy, reports of Charlie Sheen being really, really stoned and paying more and more for sex, something about unemployment and gas prices, a bunch of protests going on in regards to random things  and complaints about published writers using too many run-on sentences but it’s been very difficult to find something interesting and relevant to write about so I had to do some serious digging in order to beat a strict deadline imposed by the tyrannous senior executives at Glossynews.com. Read more $35 Dollar Computer? Why Not, & It’s Gaining Momentum

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StrangleCorp to Bid on Navy Rail Gun Project

StrangleCorp has announced its intention to bid on the Navy’s Electromagnetic Railgun Project after the current testing cycle is complete. “We’ve been watching BAE System’s and General Atomics’ progress through the prototype stage very closely and we’re pretty confident that we can win the Navy contract against such crappy competition,” said StrangleCorp COO Sal O’Graves. Read more StrangleCorp to Bid on Navy Rail Gun Project

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Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

Paranormal investigators have recently reported unprecedented EMF activity, with some saying it’s like Stephen King got struck by lightning. Those off the dial readings are attributed to a curious event in the life of Theresa Caputo, star of TLC’s “Long Island Medium.” Apparently, two departed entities have chosen Ms. Caputo as spokesperson for their heated argument. Read more Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

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