One of Britain’s biggest employers in the green energy industry is to cease production within hours of a paradoxical government announcement today pledging as many as 400,000 green jobs by 2015. Continue Reading

The New Labour government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has come under attack from the Tories – yet again – for commissioning academic research into such insane project studies as how to make the perfect cheese toastie sandwich – and – is sword-swallowing actually dangerous? – does torture really hurt to the point of an ‘Ouch’ factor? – or could a clan of meerkats write a Shakespeare play? – and whether a cartload of monkeys would be able – given sufficient time and money – to build an atomic weapon. Continue Reading

Now even dogs and cats – and likewise all British household pets – from the cuddly furry to the feathery plumaged to piscine and reptilian scaly – cannot escape the clutches of the Orwellian surveillance state.

Under EU plans being implemented by the totally paranoid New Labour administration all UK pets will have to be fitted with a microchip containing their owner’s name and address, phone number and credit card details – including the four-digit pin. Continue Reading

A surprising amount of water has been found to exist on the Moon’s surface, especially so in the craters which have been discovered to contain muddy puddles just waiting to be drained and the liquid purified for drinking.

Data from India’s Vindaloo 1 space probe – which recently landed on the Moon for urgent repairs while on its way to Mars – shows the entire lunar surface holds molecules of aqua vitae in abundance which could be squeezed out to provide ample supplies of drinking water and also become the medium for irrigation projects once lunar farming takes off under Monsanto’s planned ‘Moonseed’ project. Continue Reading

A large bone fragment of Adolf Hitler’s skull has been revealed as being that of a woman, according to the latest forensic tests carried out in the US by Princeton’s prestigious Institute of Advanced Guessology.

The section of bone – marked with a bullet hole through the right temporal squamus – was used to support the theory that Hitler shot himself after taking cyanide. Continue Reading

A family of dodgy Balkan refugees who tried to lure back a lost dog by leaving a trail of their own urine around the streets near their home have been criticised by the town council as a bunch of irresponsible pisspots. Continue Reading

TOKYO, JAPAN- Japanese engineers working for Toyota shocked the world today by announcing that they have at long last created a car worse than any car made in the United States. After a bold promise made by Chief Engineer Fukashi Tokiru in the late nineties to match American ineptitude, Toyota’s engineers finally came through, creating a car that is more terrible than any American counterpart. Continue Reading

UK police and Interpol are hot on the trail of a troop of thirty-plus chimpanzees that escaped from their enclosure at Chester Zoo in Cheshire this weekend, forcing visitors to flee in terror. Continue Reading

A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were “significant gaps in our scientific knowledge” – which in layman’s terms equated to the fact they didn’t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state – or kick-start the growth of a super-metastasizing malignant tumour – but – wait for it – did conclude beyond a reasonable doubt that ‘any’ amount of microwave radiation is ‘not’ good for you. Continue Reading

Holidaymakers avoided a long delay to their flight home when a passenger with an Irish army knife, a roll of duct tape and a claw hammer fixed a mechanical problem with their plane. Continue Reading

Ebay has been feeling the growing pressure from mail order catalog companies due to their revived success in recent years. Consumers often don’t know what they want and having the luxury of flipping through pages was something Ebay just couldn’t offer, until now. Continue Reading

Toyota Motor Corp. set themselves apart from American automakers in the 80′s and 90′s by designing quality vehicles absent of planned functional obsolescences. This decade Toyota made their mark by introducing the Prius, the first hybrid car to hit the market. Critics have praised it while still dubbing it a “gutless crackerbox”, but now crackers have a sporty carriage of testosterone to choose while pretending to remain eco-friendly. Call it the hybrid Volta or the inbred Priapus, either way it still smells like raw pheromones. Continue Reading

On the eve of release, designers and critics alike are praising the much anticipated release of the newest version of Slut. Whether you are a casual user or a diehard Slut enthusiast, the robust build promises a hole new experience in high speed access. Continue Reading

Since their merger/buyout of the non-company AT&T Wireless, Cingular has improved it’s reputation from the “largest corner of no signal whatsoever” to that of a true player in the era of modern wireless communication. Their biggest push has been the claim of the largest free mobile-to-Mobile calling area, but with bills now rolling in, subscribers only now understand that this only refers to calls to Mobile, Alabama. Continue Reading