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Druggies Open Petting Zoo, Bites Quickly Follow (Video)

Druggies Open Petting Zoo, Bites Quickly Follow (Video)

Argleton — Rocky & Spyder Krakauer were indicted last year for selling stolen cars, but they’re back with what can only be called the world’s worst petting zoo.

Featuring such pet-able critters as raccoons, rats, alley cats, and even jelly fish. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Video News0 Comments

4K Glossy News Review Weekly Podcast Celebrates 1-week Anniversary

4K Glossy News Review Weekly Podcast Celebrates 1-week Anniversary

Last week the Glossy News podcast launched and the results have been whelming.

Not exactly overwhelming, but whelming nonetheless. Under, I think is the prefix I’m looking for.

If you’re looking for heaven on earth, this thing is hell on wheels, except that it has no wheels, as it’s a podcast, though one offered in stunning 4K resolution. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

4K Glossy News Review – One Hour Weekly Podcast is Live

4K Glossy News Review – One Hour Weekly Podcast is Live

Today GlossyNews launches the official podcast.

Technology, jokes, religion, Double-D list celebrities and more all feature prominently, so for the love of web, give it at least a solid five minutes of attention.

Celebrity guests will only get bigger by the show, and the quality is climbing by the podisode, so check it out and subscribe! Continue Reading

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Posted in Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

The Jreat Gif Pronunciation Debate

The Jreat Gif Pronunciation Debate

There controversy over the pronunciation of the file type “.gif” is hotly contested, but there can only be one right answer.

Don’t ask Jeff, Geoff, Gary, Gerald, Jason, George or Jorge, but their anecdotal life experience means nothing to this debate.

There are no giraffes in Jurassic park, but you can buy a toy gun in the gift shop.

When Compuserve engineers invented the .gif file type, a small, animated image file, they made it clear exactly how it is meant to be pronounced. Well, not right away, but within a mere generation and a half. Continue Reading

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Posted in Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

Summer Worker Meets Famous Golfers, They’re Dicks

Summer Worker Meets Famous Golfers, They’re Dicks

College summer jobs in the service industry can haphazardly introduce the young to celebrities big and small.

Some celebrity jerk stories are obvious and believable, but others involve caricatures of characters who/which are down right unbelievable.

Hard to swallow, if you will.

This is a true story of one summer worker’s chance encounter with two of the biggest has-been celebrities in modern culture, and how they just didn’t live up to their reputations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Podcasts, Video News1 Comment

The case against marriage equality for left-handed people

The case against marriage equality for left-handed people

It’s time patriotic, flag-waving Americans stand up for our God-given right to oppose any minority group that makes us feel slightly uncomfortable.

The time is now to raise arms – and legs – against the moral decay of this once great land. Join me in opposing the misguided policy of marriage equality for left-handed people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Society0 Comments

Glossy News Podcast Comes 7/27/15, and I Need Your Help

Glossy News Podcast Comes 7/27/15, and I Need Your Help

Some have called him “funny,” “awesome,” and “kind,” but as kind as they are, my kids won’t be able to listen to my podcast for adult language and themes.

On July 27th, the Glossy News podcast will launch with five Podisodes already ready to go. It started as a “free” project, but it’s quickly blossomed into something far more sinister, amazing and expensive.

You can see a mediocre 22-minute preview of the podcast below, but the important thing is that I need your help! Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark

America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark

On July 4th, we will once again celebrate our independence from the tyranny of England.

Those British monarchs can be so oppressive.

If it were up to Queen Elizabeth, we’d all be forced to drink Earl Grey tea with every meal.

Every year at this time, Americans proudly mark our independence with fireworks, burgers on the grill and binge drinking. And why shouldn’t we? Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Society0 Comments

U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies

U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies

Dateline: ARLINGTON COUNTY—American military officials order surgical attachment of American soldiers’ heads to the bodies of Iraqi soldiers to improve Iraq’s military training.

Prior efforts to train democratic Iraq’s military have been stymied. Instead of fighting Islamic State insurgents, Iraq’s soldiers became infamous for fleeing the battlefield, allowing waves of IS fighters to control key sectors of Iraq.

“The problem,” says U.S. General Buttercup, “was the training that had already been done not just in Iraq but throughout the Middle East. Those folks had trained for decades to be tribal theocrats, to be Sunni, Shia, and so on. Their traditions go back many centuries.

“For example, IS fighters are Sunni and most of Northern and Northwestern Iraq is also Sunni. Iraq’s government is dominated now by Shias, so the Sunni soldiers and tribesmen don’t want to fight fellow Sunnis. Nor do they want to fight for their Shia leaders.”

“It’s a case of a clash of indoctrinations,” says an American military psychologist. “Muslim sectarianism is deep-seated, because the Middle Eastern countries are tribal, meaning that from a very early age Muslims are taught to identify with only a subset of Muslims, not to mention other humans. That’s the start of their extensive training.

“Now Americans want to retrain Iraq’s soldiers’ to be liberal humanists, to see past their tribal and religious allegiances. Alas, each soldier has only one brain. American training techniques are unparalleled, but no matter how hard you train a brain that’s already been thoroughly trained to adhere to a vastly different mindset, you’ll run out of room in that brain to store your memes and mores.”

General Buttercup concurs with that analysis. “I told President Obama from the start,” says Buttercup. “We’ve got to give those already-trained Iraqis a second brain. Their brains were full of Muslim nonsense before Bush had invaded Iraq. We spent a decade and hundreds of millions of dollars training Iraq’s military to fight for Western values and interests. But how could even all of that overcome centuries of Middle Eastern history and tradition?

“It’s like flapping your arms to see if they’ll fly. No, it took millions of years of evolution to get them to work like arms rather than wings. You’re not going to overcome that anytime soon. But what if you could add wings to the human form? That’s what planes are for.”

For budgetary reasons, President Obama selected brains that have already been trained at world-renowned military bases in the United States. According to military sources, these soldiers’ sacrifice is part of the U.S. effort to win hearts and minds in the region.

“Their minds are opposed to ours,” says General Buttercup. “They’re Muslims and we’re Christians. They’re used to theocracies and dictatorships. We love our political and economic liberties. What we need is a meeting of minds, so we’re attaching hundreds of American military heads to Iraqi bodies.”

Instead of undoing Muslim and tribal indoctrinations, which would require beheading the Iraqis, the hope is that the new heads will compensate for the un-American worldview.

“We don’t do beheading. It’s just not in our playbook,” says Buttercup. “If we could train the Iraqis to be American by beheading them, believe me I’d be all for it. But I can’t go against my training.”

“No one trains harder than us,” says USMC Staff Sergeant Kyle Killsalot. “You just wouldn’t believe how hard I trained. If you asked my opinion of whether I approve of having my head surgically attached to an Iraqi soldier’s body, you wouldn’t get it. I have no independent opinions since I serve my military collective, my brothers in arms. Believe me, I’ll whip that Iraqi into shape and there will be no more running from insurgents. If he tries to run I’ll turn my head and spit in his eye.”

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Posted in Making Headlines, War Zone3 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy

Phew! I’m worn out.

Or maybe just in a vaguely soporific state.

It was all fun and amusing to start with, but I think the novelty’s worn off.

Gets a bit samey after a while.

Still, I always like to honor my purely fleeting, voluntary and radically contingent contractual commitments to the international-satire-misreading-and-red-herring-web-comment-community. Continue Reading

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Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy

OK, the sky hasn’t fallen in….

Yet.

Just gotta keep going, I suppose.

Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer

OK, this one is a little bit nastier, if also somewhat more fun…

And it’s only for the more experienced, intrepidly kinky fetish types. Continue Reading

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Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy (1/3)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy (1/3)

Oof! Sorry for the mildly sensationalist headline. I never quite got over not getting to be a top reporter for the Galactical Enquirer.

Still, somewhat more crucially, I must inform you of the existential spiritual peril facing you and your family. Continue Reading

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Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

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