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Target Changes Employee Uniforms – Red Shirts No Longer Safe

Target Changes Employee Uniforms – Red Shirts No Longer Safe

After multiple deaths, Target has decided to make a change in the uniforms of it’s employees. This decision was made once the connection of the uniforms was made to Star Trek.

It is well known that any crew wearing a red shirt on Star Trek was considered expendable. No one knew that this would affect employees at Target.

But the string of deaths due to alien monsters and space plagues could not be ignored. The owner of Target admits that the uniform coloring was a poor choice, and they are now replacing it with a safe blue color.

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Posted in Crime, News In Your Briefs2 Comments

Traffic Light Nutritional Coding System Given Green Light

Traffic Light Nutritional Coding System Given Green Light

A new system of coding fat, sugar and salt content has been approved and would mean that all pre-packed food would have to display a colour coded guide on the front of the package.

Red would mean high in fat, sugar or salt, amber meaning a little higher then needed and green meaning acceptable levels. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, News In Your Briefs1 Comment

Chick-fil-A Manager Hugs Customer Inappropriately

Chick-fil-A Manager Hugs Customer Inappropriately

Raleigh, NC – Dennis Mitchell of Raleigh, NC claims he knew nothing about the controversy surrounding Chick-fil-A when he walked into a local store to purchase an order of chicken nuggets and a drink.

“All of a sudden, here comes the manager of the store from behind the counter, grabbing me and telling me ‘Thank you so much for your support. This means so much to me.’”

Mitchell claims the man looked like he was going to start kissing him, so he pushed the manager to the side, and ran out of the store without his lunch order.

“It was weird man. Was that guy gay or what?”

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Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

INDIANAPOLIS – Sitting down with his family to watch the opening rounds of the Olympic Games Friday, Indianapolis resident Damien Fenhurst was just a little too into archery, say sources.

Displaying an inordinate degree of interest in the skill and craftsmanship of the competitors on show, the 39-year-old was seen staring intently at the television screen, Continue Reading

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Posted in News In Your Briefs, Sports Events2 Comments

Chick-Fil-A Changes Name to Cock-Fil-A

In an effort to appease right wing males, Chick-Fil-A has announced plans to drop the sexist word “chick” from its name to the more gender specific word “cock.” Company spokesman Hugh Jappendage clarified, saying, “We don’t want to offend anybody else, and redneck males are our “bread and butter,” so to speak. Continue Reading

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Olympic Opening Ceremony Rife w/ Offensive British Stereotypes

Olympic Opening Ceremony Rife w/ Offensive British Stereotypes

The home fans seemed pretty upset by the float car with giant, bad teeth, belching green fog indicating bad breath. The Bobby mascots endlessly chasing cartoonish burglars because they have no guns really touched a sore point too. Worst of all was the royal family tree with a small cadre of marchers carrying streamers that kept lapping back in on each other indicated centuries of inbreeding.

The foreign fans found it all very pleasing and reported “high degrees of accuracy.”

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Rob Portman Takes Over Romney Campaign While Romney in London

The GOP has seized its chance to finally rid itself of Mitt Romney as their presumptive Presidential candidate. Just minutes after Romney’s plane was supposedly landing in London, GOP Chairman Reice Priebus announced on CNN that Ohio Senator Rob Portman would be replacing Romney as the GOP’s official candidate for President.

Mitt Romney, in private meetings with top European financiers since his arrival in London, could not be reached for comment. Ann Romney’s horse, however, is expected to win the dressage event at the Olympics.

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Rahm Emanuel Skips Bohemian Grove to Attend Comic-Con

Rahm Emanuel Skips Bohemian Grove to Attend Comic-Con

The world may, indeed, be coming to an end with news that Chicago Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, has decided this year to skip his annual trip to the secretive Bohemian Grove to attend Comic-Con 2012 in San Diego.

“I couldn’t miss the opportunity to dress up as my favorite character—the Joker—and meet all my favorite actors,” said an enthusiastic Emanuel outside the San Diego Convention Center.

“Besides, they have babes at the convention. Who wants to dance around a fire and urinate in the woods when I can see half-naked wonder women at Comic-Con?”

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Barack Obama Thanks Bristol Palin for Unsolicited Parental Advice

Barack Obama made certain that he acknowledged the wise words he received indirectly Friday from Bristol Palin with regards to his stance on same-sex marriage.

“We are just incredibly thankful to have someone as mature and wise as Bristol Palin taking such an interest in the way Michelle and I are raising our girls, Sasha and Malia,” said the President from one of the many stops he made today on the campaign trail. Continue Reading

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Roy Blunt Talks Hoes Not Women on International Women’s Day

Sen. Roy Blunt (R-Mo) chose International Women’s Day to talk about hoes. Here’s how he chose to honor March 8, 2012 on Twitter:

Today is Natl Agriculture Day. Hope you’ll join me to recognize the vital benefits agriculture plays in our everyday lives.

Hey, Mr. Blunt, today also happens to be National Panic Day. I’d like to invite everyone to celebrate by taking a moment to freak out about just how scary the Republican Party has become.

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GlossyNews Launches Hostile Takeover of The Onion

Around 3:00AM this morning, editors and contributors of GlossyNews snuck into The Onion’s corporate office. Armed with biting words and keen wit they successfully carried out a hostile takeover.

As of this morning, all news originating from TheOnion’s website and their print publication are actually the result of GlossyNews’ hardworking contributors. You should expect an increase in the wittiness of the material published.

GlossyNews is now running surveillance on ColbertNation to determine if it’s worth taking over as well.

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Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date

Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date

Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date.

“It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one of Griffin’s closest friends. “After all, Kathy did spend the weekend at Anderson’s house doing everything but humping the furniture to get his attention.” Continue Reading

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