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Conservatives Furious Over Historical Implications Of Mississippi Error

Conservatives Furious Over Historical Implications Of Mississippi Error

Due to an error in not filing documents stating Mississippi’s ratification of the 13th amendment ending slavery, historical references will now show that slavery ended under President Obama’s second term. Speaker of the House John Boenher stated, “How many lucky f#&%ing breaks can that guy get!”

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Pope’s Retirement Sparks Criticism Amongst Cardinals

Pope’s Retirement Sparks Criticism Amongst Cardinals

The Pope’s sudden decision to retire has caused many of the members of the College of Cardinals to criticize his intentions. Many don’t believe the retirement fund contains any resources for an actual retired Pope, and there are many that are already referring to him as the newest member of the 47%.

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Georgia Mans Patience Tried By Household Cleaner

Georgia Mans Patience Tried By Household Cleaner

A Georgia man claims that he has been unable to go out in public and plans to sue the makers of popular Kaboom cleaner. He charges that he has been waiting for over 30 days for the quick acting foam cleaner to turn from blue to white so that he can rinse it off of his shower stall and has been unable to bathe due to the delay.

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Carnival Triumph Finally Docks, Alabama Governor To Turn It Into Tourist Attraction

Carnival Triumph Finally Docks, Alabama Governor To Turn It Into Tourist Attraction

The end has finally come for the unfortunate passengers on the Carnival Triumph. The ship has finally reached dock and they are slowly emerging into a somewhat civilized world.

Alabama Gov. Bentley has made a statement regarding the ships arrival. “We are pleased to have this luxury liner dock in our fair state. We will do all we can to welcome the passengers with our southern hospitality. We also look at this as an opportunity to enhance the many attractions for visitors to our state.” Continue Reading

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Hagel Vote On Hold, McCain Delirious

Hagel Vote On Hold, McCain Delirious

The confirmation vote of Senator Chuck Hagel for Secretary Of Defense was held up today due to the inability of the senate to reach the 60 votes needed to end debate and move to the actual vote.

Delays were caused by several republican senators who had formerly stated they would not do such a thing, only to revert to obstructive measures at the last moment. Continue Reading

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Dorner’s Body Identified, Satan Up One

Dorner’s Body Identified, Satan Up One

The burned body of fugitive Christopher Dorner was identified late this afternoon as the charred remains that were pulled from the burned cabin in which police believed they had him surrounded on Tuesday afternoon.

While the method of identification has not been revealed at this time, there is absolute certainty that this is in fact the end of a very horrible and tragic episode for law enforcement in the state of California.

To the families of those who were injured and killed by this maniac we offer our prayers. For Mr. Dorner, you have used up all of the prayers that we could offer and now must deal with the fate you have chosen.

God bless those who choose protecting others as their mission in life.

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American Airlines + US Airways = Oh Crap

American Airlines + US Airways = Oh Crap

A merger was announced this morning between American Airlines and US Airways. This has been a long expected outcome for both corporations. Many are surprised that the merger has taken so long, but then again, delays in the airline industry are more than common place.

Analyst have had mixed reaction to the final announcement of the deal. Some are speculating that taking one airline that has deep financial troubles and merging it with one with that has a history of poor customer service will only result in a non-profitable airline that nobody wants to fly.

More information is expected shortly from both companies as the lunacy of what they have accomplished sets in.

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Olympic Athlete Can’t Run From Charges

Olympic Athlete Can’t Run From Charges

Well respected olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius was charged this morning with murder in the shooting death of his model girl friend. Police report that there is a history of abuse in their relationship and are relieved that this is probably the last incident that they will need to respond to.

Oscar often referred to as the “Blade Runner” did not actually use a knife in this brutal attack, instead opting for the more feminine use of a gun. This has more than likely rewritten his legacy, apologies for the pun, in a way that nobody had ever envisioned.

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Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary

Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary

WASHINGTON D.C. – Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators – voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama’s presidency – championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation’s vocabulary.

Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration’s attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like “vitriolic,” “insatiable,” and “rationale.” Continue Reading

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Study Reveals Commitment Desire from Male Subjects

Study Reveals Commitment Desire from Male Subjects

We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of, you wouldn’t get this from any other guy.

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling. I’ve got to make you understand.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. Continue Reading

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Report: 58% of Unemployed Actively Failing to Look for Work

WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that almost 60% of citizens registered as unemployed are nonetheless actively failing to seek out work.

A study released on the department’s website indicates that approximately 15 million people spend around 24 hours a day not looking at job postings, employment options, or career guidance pamphlets.

“In most cases, Americans who find themselves without a job are at least dedicating a good portion of their time to not seeking out gainful employment,” said BLS analyst Sandra Corzoli. “A large number of Americans might be out of work right now, but it’s absolutely for a lack of trying.”

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Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention

Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention

CHARLOTTE, NC – In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday.

Just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa.

Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: “Democrats can, you know… wow, I thought I… what’s going on?” Continue Reading

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