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Hagel Vote On Hold, McCain Delirious

Hagel Vote On Hold, McCain Delirious

The confirmation vote of Senator Chuck Hagel for Secretary Of Defense was held up today due to the inability of the senate to reach the 60 votes needed to end debate and move to the actual vote.

Delays were caused by several republican senators who had formerly stated they would not do such a thing, only to revert to obstructive measures at the last moment. Continue Reading

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Dorner’s Body Identified, Satan Up One

Dorner’s Body Identified, Satan Up One

The burned body of fugitive Christopher Dorner was identified late this afternoon as the charred remains that were pulled from the burned cabin in which police believed they had him surrounded on Tuesday afternoon.

While the method of identification has not been revealed at this time, there is absolute certainty that this is in fact the end of a very horrible and tragic episode for law enforcement in the state of California.

To the families of those who were injured and killed by this maniac we offer our prayers. For Mr. Dorner, you have used up all of the prayers that we could offer and now must deal with the fate you have chosen.

God bless those who choose protecting others as their mission in life.

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American Airlines + US Airways = Oh Crap

American Airlines + US Airways = Oh Crap

A merger was announced this morning between American Airlines and US Airways. This has been a long expected outcome for both corporations. Many are surprised that the merger has taken so long, but then again, delays in the airline industry are more than common place.

Analyst have had mixed reaction to the final announcement of the deal. Some are speculating that taking one airline that has deep financial troubles and merging it with one with that has a history of poor customer service will only result in a non-profitable airline that nobody wants to fly.

More information is expected shortly from both companies as the lunacy of what they have accomplished sets in.

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Olympic Athlete Can’t Run From Charges

Olympic Athlete Can’t Run From Charges

Well respected olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius was charged this morning with murder in the shooting death of his model girl friend. Police report that there is a history of abuse in their relationship and are relieved that this is probably the last incident that they will need to respond to.

Oscar often referred to as the “Blade Runner” did not actually use a knife in this brutal attack, instead opting for the more feminine use of a gun. This has more than likely rewritten his legacy, apologies for the pun, in a way that nobody had ever envisioned.

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Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary

Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary

WASHINGTON D.C. – Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators – voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama’s presidency – championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation’s vocabulary.

Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration’s attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like “vitriolic,” “insatiable,” and “rationale.” Continue Reading

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Posted in News In Your Briefs, Politics1 Comment

Study Reveals Commitment Desire from Male Subjects

Study Reveals Commitment Desire from Male Subjects

We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of, you wouldn’t get this from any other guy.

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling. I’ve got to make you understand.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, News In Your Briefs1 Comment

Report: 58% of Unemployed Actively Failing to Look for Work

WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that almost 60% of citizens registered as unemployed are nonetheless actively failing to seek out work.

A study released on the department’s website indicates that approximately 15 million people spend around 24 hours a day not looking at job postings, employment options, or career guidance pamphlets.

“In most cases, Americans who find themselves without a job are at least dedicating a good portion of their time to not seeking out gainful employment,” said BLS analyst Sandra Corzoli. “A large number of Americans might be out of work right now, but it’s absolutely for a lack of trying.”

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Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention

Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention

CHARLOTTE, NC – In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday.

Just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa.

Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: “Democrats can, you know… wow, I thought I… what’s going on?” Continue Reading

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Target Changes Employee Uniforms – Red Shirts No Longer Safe

Target Changes Employee Uniforms – Red Shirts No Longer Safe

After multiple deaths, Target has decided to make a change in the uniforms of it’s employees. This decision was made once the connection of the uniforms was made to Star Trek.

It is well known that any crew wearing a red shirt on Star Trek was considered expendable. No one knew that this would affect employees at Target.

But the string of deaths due to alien monsters and space plagues could not be ignored. The owner of Target admits that the uniform coloring was a poor choice, and they are now replacing it with a safe blue color.

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Traffic Light Nutritional Coding System Given Green Light

Traffic Light Nutritional Coding System Given Green Light

A new system of coding fat, sugar and salt content has been approved and would mean that all pre-packed food would have to display a colour coded guide on the front of the package.

Red would mean high in fat, sugar or salt, amber meaning a little higher then needed and green meaning acceptable levels. Continue Reading

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Chick-fil-A Manager Hugs Customer Inappropriately

Chick-fil-A Manager Hugs Customer Inappropriately

Raleigh, NC – Dennis Mitchell of Raleigh, NC claims he knew nothing about the controversy surrounding Chick-fil-A when he walked into a local store to purchase an order of chicken nuggets and a drink.

“All of a sudden, here comes the manager of the store from behind the counter, grabbing me and telling me ‘Thank you so much for your support. This means so much to me.’”

Mitchell claims the man looked like he was going to start kissing him, so he pushed the manager to the side, and ran out of the store without his lunch order.

“It was weird man. Was that guy gay or what?”

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Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

INDIANAPOLIS – Sitting down with his family to watch the opening rounds of the Olympic Games Friday, Indianapolis resident Damien Fenhurst was just a little too into archery, say sources.

Displaying an inordinate degree of interest in the skill and craftsmanship of the competitors on show, the 39-year-old was seen staring intently at the television screen, Continue Reading

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Chick-Fil-A Changes Name to Cock-Fil-A

In an effort to appease right wing males, Chick-Fil-A has announced plans to drop the sexist word “chick” from its name to the more gender specific word “cock.” Company spokesman Hugh Jappendage clarified, saying, “We don’t want to offend anybody else, and redneck males are our “bread and butter,” so to speak. Continue Reading

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Olympic Opening Ceremony Rife w/ Offensive British Stereotypes

Olympic Opening Ceremony Rife w/ Offensive British Stereotypes

The home fans seemed pretty upset by the float car with giant, bad teeth, belching green fog indicating bad breath. The Bobby mascots endlessly chasing cartoonish burglars because they have no guns really touched a sore point too. Worst of all was the royal family tree with a small cadre of marchers carrying streamers that kept lapping back in on each other indicated centuries of inbreeding.

The foreign fans found it all very pleasing and reported “high degrees of accuracy.”

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Rob Portman Takes Over Romney Campaign While Romney in London

The GOP has seized its chance to finally rid itself of Mitt Romney as their presumptive Presidential candidate. Just minutes after Romney’s plane was supposedly landing in London, GOP Chairman Reice Priebus announced on CNN that Ohio Senator Rob Portman would be replacing Romney as the GOP’s official candidate for President.

Mitt Romney, in private meetings with top European financiers since his arrival in London, could not be reached for comment. Ann Romney’s horse, however, is expected to win the dressage event at the Olympics.

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Rahm Emanuel Skips Bohemian Grove to Attend Comic-Con

Rahm Emanuel Skips Bohemian Grove to Attend Comic-Con

The world may, indeed, be coming to an end with news that Chicago Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, has decided this year to skip his annual trip to the secretive Bohemian Grove to attend Comic-Con 2012 in San Diego.

“I couldn’t miss the opportunity to dress up as my favorite character—the Joker—and meet all my favorite actors,” said an enthusiastic Emanuel outside the San Diego Convention Center.

“Besides, they have babes at the convention. Who wants to dance around a fire and urinate in the woods when I can see half-naked wonder women at Comic-Con?”

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