Category: Making Headlines
Woman sues Women Studies Feminists for preventing her from Sleeping her way to the Top
Dateline: NY CITY—Miss Marylou Ditsy is suing Women Studies departments in colleges across the United States, for creating an atmosphere of political correctness that she alleges has prevented her from sleeping her way to the top.
United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies
Lately, United Airlines’ longstanding motto, Fly the Friendly Skies, has taken a serious tumble. On a recent flight four passengers were told they had to disembark to make room for airline personnel.
Russian Intelligence Operative Reveals why Putin Helped Elect Donald Trump
Dateline: MOSCOW—Russian intelligence operative admits to meeting with Donald Trump and with members of his inner circle during the 2016 presidential campaign, to explain to the Americans that Putin wanted Trump to beat Hillary Clinton because Trump is a colossal…
Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020
In the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object. As denial about this…
History – As Told by Forgotten Newspaper Headlines
The recent presidential election has resulted in some pretty shocking newspaper headlines – like when Scotland’s The Daily Record ran a cover story showing a photo of Donald Trump at his swank new Scottish golf course on a windy day,…
Breaking News: USA Votes to Leave North America
(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his…
Coca-Cola Resurrects 1889 Advertising Campaign by Adding Coke
ATLANTA, GA – Every fan of Coca-Cola was jumping with joy on Friday morning as the beverage behemoth’s first round of new TV ads hit the airwaves featuring a new message intended to boost sales of its beverages, which have…
Same Sex Jail Romance Leads to Kentucky Clerk’s Change of Heart
Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis, who refused to issue gay marriage licenses and was taken into federal custody for contempt of court, has posted bond and been released after having a change of heart in jail. After experiencing what she called…
U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies
Dateline: ARLINGTON COUNTY—American military officials order surgical attachment of American soldiers’ heads to the bodies of Iraqi soldiers to improve Iraq’s military training. Prior efforts to train democratic Iraq’s military have been stymied. Instead of fighting Islamic State insurgents, Iraq’s…
Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy
Phew! I’m worn out. Or maybe just in a vaguely soporific state. It was all fun and amusing to start with, but I think the novelty’s worn off. Gets a bit samey after a while. Still, I always like to…