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Hey Hey Donald Hey: (With Apologies to Bill Frederick’s: Hey Hey LBJ)

Hey Hey Donald Hey: (With Apologies to Bill Frederick’s: Hey Hey LBJ)

Hey Hey Donald Hey,
How many casinos did you lose today?
Gonna file for bankruptcy and lose your dollars now, oh, boy!
Donald Trump has eager hands to grab another bargain,
She runs off and tells the mob that Donald Trump is lying!
Hey Hey Donald Hey,
How many women did you lose today?
Gonna be a felon now and go to prison now, oh, boy!

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Music0 Comments

New Occasional Series: Glossy News Classics

New Occasional Series: Glossy News Classics

As one of the very longest running fake news satire outlets of all time, Glossy News has had a lot of classics over the years. From time to time, we will be republishing stories that really stood out.

Clever? Ingenious? Edgy? Buffoonish? Anarchic? Slick, sophisticated, cool? Just good-old-fashioned hilariously convincing?

Or even unconvincing?

By whatever criteria, these are stories that stood out for us, and really shone.

Keep a close eye out for each instalment!

Wallace

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Dan Geddes Video Selection (2/2)

Dan Geddes Video Selection (2/2)

Here’s part two!

American Sniper

American Sniper, Bush vs. Clinton, Scooters in Amsterdam.

Standup – The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

Facebook, NSA.

Facebook Funeral

American accents, Facebook funerals, and how no one thinks they are going to die.

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Dan Geddes Video Selection (1/2)

Dan Geddes Video Selection (1/2)

Dan Geddes is a true stalwart not only of Glossy News, but of humor and satire in general. He has done a lot of stand-up comedy, which you can find on his Youtube channel. I’m sure you’re not gonna die of surprise when I tell you that like every single other humorist in the history of satire, without exception, Dan is rather shy and reserved, and never likes to be the first person in the room to break an uncomfortable silence. Even so, I hope he’ll forgive me for introducing these videos to you!

Taxes and Death (And Taxes)

Taxes and death, and the taxation of the cryogenically preserved, as well as robots.

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

One Act Tumblr Play: Obama Gets Friendzoned

One Act Tumblr Play: Obama Gets Friendzoned

It’s always fun to write a One Act Tumblr Play; that particular social media site is perfect for this kind of writing! Here’s one of mine:

Obama: Hey, I really like that country, but I’m not gonna do the running. Let her come to me first.

Heh heh… I’m just such a smart guy! I am just one DAMN SMART COOKIE! Well, it’s not up to me to chase her. I’m gonna let her see how much she needs me first.

WAITS

WAITS

WAITS

WAITS

[Tittering and snickering in the background]

Obama: … Oh. Shit. Well. What a prissy, stuck-up bitch! Guess she just doesn’t know what she’s missing.

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Posted in Internets Tubes, World News0 Comments

Latest Populist Policies Carrying Trump to Victory (2/2)

Latest Populist Policies Carrying Trump to Victory (2/2)

4. BAN STUPID MUSIC FROM CLUBS!!! 

Why can’t we just have the clubs play proper music that you can actually dance and sing to? Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, I mean, hell, even Creedence Clearwater Revival, just throwing that one out there!

I mean, I couldn’t care less, but we just have to do something! How much longer are the American people gonna have to put up with this?

You know what, you’re sick and tired of it, I’m sick and tired of it too. Let’s put an end to this and put a stop to all this pathetic, ridiculous music, once and for all! Freedom of speech doesn’t mean your stupid tunes have to be heard by just about everyone! That’s not what America is all about!

(Sheesh! That ‘freedom of speech demands accountability’ schtick sounded like a Clinton thing, right? Well, I’ve given money to Democrats too. You know, I’m not a dogmatic kinda guy!)

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics0 Comments

Conspiracy Theories – The Website For The Well Informed Paranoiac

Conspiracy Theories – The Website For The Well Informed Paranoiac

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy Theory # 3,482- Valiant researchers have discovered that dentists around the world have been weaving minute, low grade diamonds into the threads of dental floss for years.

These small specks of the hardest mineral known to man slowly erode the base of teeth with each flossing, eventually leading to the destruction of the enamel protecting their sensitive core. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Glossy News Spam Surge: Establishment ‘Godwinbots’ to Blame (2/2)

Glossy News Spam Surge: Establishment ‘Godwinbots’ to Blame (2/2)

As every establishment career politician knows, repetition is of the essence of persuasion.

So, here’s a quick refresher on what the Godwinbots afflicting Glossy News and most of the serious internet are up to.

Unpatriotic Pinko Troll Example #1:

 Goering said ‘all you have to do is create a fictional or at least semi-fictional enemy within and without, and then bring the people to your bidding to denounce the naysayers as traitors and parasites.’ Sound familiar?

 Godwinbot Takedown:

 StfUP_ with ur MORREL E-EQUIVALENC, DUDE! Y;U are literilly worse tanh HITTLERRR!!!!!

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics0 Comments

Glossy News Spam Surge: Establishment ‘Godwinbots’ to Blame (1/2)

Glossy News Spam Surge: Establishment ‘Godwinbots’ to Blame (1/2)

The loyal vigilance of the Glossy News team is keeping your comments pages free from spam, from dawn to dusk.

Glossy News is at the forefront of taking out spambots whenever and wherever they poke their thieving, parasitical tentacles.

But what is it that drives these cynical, malevolent bastards, the true enemies of all authentic and legitimate satire? Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics0 Comments

Google Googled Google Just To Ogle The Googles About Google.

Google Googled Google Just To Ogle The Googles About Google.

Barney Google googled Google just to ogle the googles about Gooble.
The googles that Google googled had oodles of googles about Google.
There is a gargantuan glossary of googles about Googles.
Gaggles of Google groupies google Google all the time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes0 Comments

Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

Microsoft is proud to introduce Windows 10, the latest version of our operating system for PCs and tablets.

To help you get to know our new system better, here are answers to some questions you might have.

Why is it called Windows 10 when your last operating system was Windows 8?

Lots of people have asked this question. Some folks think that that because Windows 8 was such an unpopular disaster we wanted to put a little numerical distance between it and our new system. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Internets Tubes2 Comments

The “joy” of buying a new computer

The “joy” of buying a new computer

I recently bought a new laptop because my old one was having problems. From my purchase experience, I want to pass along the following helpful piece of advice: NEVER EVER BUY A NEW COMPUTER.

Limp along with your Apple Lisa for as long as you possibly can – because once you buy a new computer, your nightmares have just begun. The following is a 100% true retelling of my experience. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Society0 Comments

Podcast 006 – 8/31/2015

Podcast 006 – 8/31/2015

In the first of my 2nd round of five 4K/UHD podcasts, I cover a lot of ground, some of it even interesting. Here are just a few of the topics:

A reminder this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Podcasts0 Comments

Glossy News Podcast 8/17/2015

Glossy News Podcast 8/17/2015

In my fourth inexplicably 4K/UHD podcast, I cover a lot of ground, some of it even interesting. Here are just a few of the topics:

An in depth look at how things actually used to be more expensive than they are today.

A true story of a man who dies and returns to life with an experience at heaven’s gate. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Podcasts0 Comments

Third Glossy News Podcast for your listen/viewing Pleasure

Third Glossy News Podcast for your listen/viewing Pleasure

In my third inexplicably 4K/UHD podcast, I cover a lot of ground, some of it even interesting. Here are just a few of the topics.

I invite you to celebrate S’mores Day and offer some wild and tasty recipes for what can do to get the most out of it.

A quick film recommendation for Tucker & Dale vs. Evil with Alan Tudyk and the ever lovely Katrina Bowden. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Podcasts0 Comments

4K Glossy News Review Weekly Podcast Celebrates 1-week Anniversary

4K Glossy News Review Weekly Podcast Celebrates 1-week Anniversary

Last week the Glossy News podcast launched and the results have been whelming.

Not exactly overwhelming, but whelming nonetheless. Under, I think is the prefix I’m looking for.

If you’re looking for heaven on earth, this thing is hell on wheels, except that it has no wheels, as it’s a podcast, though one offered in stunning 4K resolution. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

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