Bezos Quells Presidential Rumors, “I’m running for Amazon Prime Minister”

Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos held a press conference in front of the 300-foot brass doors gaurding the entrance to his underground headquarters at the base of Mount Rainier. He wanted to make clear that he has “No illusion or aspiration for the office of president [of the United States.]”

Reporters struggled to hear Bezos over the din of endless dodeca-copter drones whisking heavy machinery into the subterranean factory/AI hive/research facility.

Bezos explained that a step down from his current position to POTUS would be a mistake on par with “having a Facebook account in this day and age,” but left open the idea of a lateral move.

“I would entertain taking a position of comparable importance and meaning… [something along the lines of] Amazon Prime Minister.”

When asked if he meant “earn” or “seek” such a position, Bezos answered in his normal, matter of factly manner, “No, I said take the position. That’s what I meant.”

Bezos recently claimed the title of Richest Man in the World, which press kits point out is actually “Richest being in the solar system, and known universe.”

When asked by Darvis Reynhold of The Tuscaloosa Examiner if this was “just some dumb publicity stunt,” Reynhold was disappeared, with any trace of him and the newspaper he worked for erased from history. To confirm this, we searched online archives for any mention of REDACTED or REDACTED and found no results.

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