Tips for Vegans

Let’s face it. Being vegan sucks. Everywhere you look, it’s “bacon this” and “cheese that.” Not only does the rest of the world not get it, but they are actively trying to get you to torture chickens and eat stroke burgers.

Good luck finding anything in a restaurant. Have you ever tried the salad in a steak house? Their contempt for vegetables is apparent. They give you a wedge of lettuce that they didn’t even bother to shred and one lame tomato. If you want to give your server a good laugh, ask them if it is organic.

Delivered Pizza

You’re with your non-vegan friends, aka crueltivores, and they order a large pizza with extra cow and preservatives. Of course, you won’t touch it, but you have to admit the tempting smell is making you suffer and question your beliefs. Of course, the place didn’t offer the option of vegan cheese, which by the way is the same compound they use to seal windows. So what is one to do?

Most of the fiber and nutrients in pizza are in the cardboard box, and yet most people throw it away! Toasted with a little tamari sauce it’s every bit as palatable as tofu.

Ordering off a Restaurant Menu 

You go out with your friends to a “nice” restaurant. You want to have fun, and you don’t want to be Debbie Downer. You understand that it is considered rude to remind someone that one side of their body is going to be paralyzed while they’re trying to enjoy a burger, so you hold your tongue.

But what do you order? Even the salad has meat and cheese in it. And if you’re health-conscious, there are a lot of other things you can’t eat either. Everything on the menu is either white flour, sugar, or unrendered pork lard. Honestly, how are these people still able to stand and breathe without medical assistance?

The gelatin seems harmless enough. Wrong again. It’s made from pigs, so that’s out. They don’t tell you that in the commercials. Do they?

You could have the french fries, which are technically vegan, but you can’t because “fried” is just a euphemism for “cooked in carcinogens.”

There’s always water. Hopefully, they have bottled. Then at least you have the illusion of sterility, although the ugly truth is that the workers at the bottling plant were breathing their diseases right over the vat. Of course, it must be bottled in glass, because plastic food containers are tantamount to suicide.

And heaven help you if you find yourself in a restaurant, when you’re vegan and also gluten-intolerant. 

Author: Scott Talbot Evans

Scott Talbot Evans is a winner of the 2021 Script Studio & RAFAS present Scriptitude competition and the 2021 GEVA Theater/Writers & Books 2 Pages/2 Voices competition. His short story, “Glue Guns in Paradise,” was published in the November 2021 issue of Shoreline of Infinity. His poems will appear in Poetry Salzburg Review 39 of the University of Salzburg. He has written four books and is working on his fifth, Five Special Dogs’ Adventure in Rio.

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