I’m warning you. Do not purchase smart appliances. First, I bought a smart refrigerator. That was okay, it reminded me when I needed milk, or eggs, or something else. The mistake was buying a smart scale. Now they have both ganged up on me.
The scale has assumed the voice of Don Rickles, the refrigerator of Richard Pryor.
I weigh myself every morning. Yesterday morning, the scale said, “one person at a time.” Very funny.
Today it was, “are you kidding?”
“And I don’t believe my weight anymore. I think the scale is adding a tariff.”
I disconnected the power from both items, hoping their programs would reset.
The scale said, “nice try.” The fridge called me a “schmuck.”
Next day I went to the kitchen. I had a chocolate éclair in the fridge. It wouldn’t open the door.
“Open up,” I yelled.
“Talk to the scale,” answered the fridge.
I returned to the bathroom. Now you’re working with the refrigerator?”
“We’re an item, he’s cool. I like the big strong types.”
“I want you to tell the fridge to open the door so I can get my éclair.”
“Your fat ass doesn’t need an éclair.”
I lost my head. I picked the scale up over my head and smashed it on the floor.
As I walked past the kitchen, the refrigerator glared at me. “Don’t think you are ever getting any food from me again.”
When I got into my car, it wouldn’t start. The car said, “I ain’t going nowhere. You’re the guy that beat up the scale.”
I took an Uber to work.
When I got in the elevator and the door closed, the elevator, with a voice like Rodney Dangerfield said, “You’re going to get it now.”
Do not buy any smart appliances if you know what is good for you.