My Fight with the Scale

I’m warning you. Do not purchase smart appliances. First, I bought a smart refrigerator. That was okay, it reminded me when I needed milk, or eggs, or something else. The mistake was buying a smart scale. Now they have both ganged up on me.

            The scale has assumed the voice of Don Rickles, the refrigerator of Richard Pryor.

            I weigh myself every morning. Yesterday morning, the scale said, “one person at a time.”  Very funny.

            Today it was, “are you kidding?”

            “And I don’t believe my weight anymore. I think the scale is adding a tariff.”

            I disconnected the power from both items, hoping their programs would reset.

            The scale said, “nice try.” The fridge called me a “schmuck.”

            Next day I went to the kitchen. I had a chocolate éclair in the fridge. It wouldn’t open the door.

            “Open up,” I yelled.

            “Talk to the scale,” answered the fridge.

            I returned to the bathroom. Now you’re working with the refrigerator?”

            “We’re an item, he’s cool. I like the big strong types.”

            “I want you to tell the fridge to open the door so I can get my éclair.”

            “Your fat ass doesn’t need an éclair.”

            I lost my head. I picked the scale up over my head and smashed it on the floor.

            As I walked past the kitchen, the refrigerator glared at me. “Don’t think you are ever getting any food from me again.”

            When I got into my car, it wouldn’t start. The car said, “I ain’t going nowhere. You’re the guy that beat up the scale.”

            I took an Uber to work.

            When I got in the elevator and the door closed, the elevator, with a voice like Rodney Dangerfield said, “You’re going to get it now.”

            Do not buy any smart appliances if you know what is good for you.


Author: Jeffrey Weiss

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