Posted in Religionism Science

ET’s to End Earth Monitoring

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — The Intergalactic Play Nice Force has decided to abandon Earth operations, so said District Superintendent Greg Gort today. “The IPNF really has no interest here anymore. It’s a wind-down, could take three Earth years at…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! ET’s to End Earth Monitoring
Posted in Celebrity Gossip Crime

Switzerland Pardons ‘Barefoot Bandit’

CARVILLE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Posted by your South America (and also Caribbean) correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. We didn’t know, so we checked around. Nobody else knew either. And I’m talking smart people here? Geraldo Rivera, the internationally respected dean…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Switzerland Pardons ‘Barefoot Bandit’
Posted in Politics War Zone

Michael Steele calls Obama ‘Whitey’

PULASKI, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — Insiders predict RNC Chairman Michael Steele will soon decide to ‘spend more time with my family’ in the wake of his recent faux pas. It appears Steele has violated the most revered tenet of the DC…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Michael Steele calls Obama ‘Whitey’
Posted in Talky Pictures Travel

Movie Review: ‘South of the Border’ is Dumb

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. RIO DE JANEIRO, Brasil (NovedadesGlossy) US opening weekend, the new Oliver Stone documentary grossed $21,545. Don’t let that low gross fool you; this film is highly gross. It’s grosser than…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Movie Review: ‘South of the Border’ is Dumb
Posted in Human Interest Politics

Senator Apologizes to Conquistadors

NUEVO LAREDO, Texas (GlossyNews) — In a move termed a ‘head scratcher’ by DC insiders, TX Senator Denton R. Fender this week released a statement aimed at rapprochement towards Spain, and some people who have been dead for five centuries….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Senator Apologizes to Conquistadors
Posted in Health

Burt Reynolds Announces Moustache Club for Men

America’s iconic symbol of 1970’s sexual excess, who’s had more you know what than a porta-potty seat at Bonnaroo, if you know what I mean, today announced a new joint venture with ‘Magnum PI’ alum Tom Selleck. Clinics will be…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Burt Reynolds Announces Moustache Club for Men
Posted in World News

Video Surfaces of Missing Glossy News Journalist

SNOHOMISH, Washington (GlossyNewsSA) — It remains uncertain whether legendary correspondent Blake Pennywhistle is alive or dead, but recent developments at least hold reason for hope. A DVD was left taped to the coffee machine at Glossy News NYC headquarters, sometime…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Video Surfaces of Missing Glossy News Journalist
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Bob Dylan Offers Help to a Mixed Up World: World Indifferent

GARY, Indiana, (GlossyNews) — Sixties icon Bob Dylan appeared, in all of his monochromatic splendor, at the National Press Club this week, announcing a new chapter in what’s already been an amazing career. Said the legendary balladeer, whom some consider…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Bob Dylan Offers Help to a Mixed Up World: World Indifferent
Posted in Crime

Tragedy Blamed on Mistaken Identity

TORONTO, Ontario (GlossyNews) RCMP District Superintendent Dudley Pemberton spoke to reporters today in the wake of what’s being called ‘the Toronto atrocity.’ “First, I want to say we tried to do right. All of you who snidely imply otherwise, you…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Tragedy Blamed on Mistaken Identity
Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

Angry Customer returns I-Phone

CORNUCOPIA, California (GlossyNews) — Tech stocks are expected to open sharply lower tomorrow in reaction to the disturbing news from England. While it initially seemed Apple’s latest version of the I-phone was another unqualified triumph, hopes are now quickly fading….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Angry Customer returns I-Phone
Posted in Human Interest

Satan is Suing His Insurance Company

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. This guy claiming to be the Devil phones and asks that we interview him. Turns out Satan doesn’t look a bit like I imagined. He’s kinda hot really. He looks…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Satan is Suing His Insurance Company
Posted in Entertainment

CBS Announces New Reality Show Will ‘Buy American’

LOS ANGELES, California (GlossyNews) The producer of TV’s popular “Amazing Race” today revealed expansion plans for the profitable franchise. Speaking from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Psst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro, Lane Fontana wowed reporters. His remarks were also well received…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! CBS Announces New Reality Show Will ‘Buy American’
Posted in World News

Greek Austerity Plan Revealed – The Gods are Not Pleased

ATHENS, Greece (GlossyNews) — Today on Mt. Olympus, hearts were broken, tears were shed, and millennia long careers ended as the news was made official. In obedience to the EU bailout plan, Greece has reluctantly agreed; lots of gods and…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Greek Austerity Plan Revealed – The Gods are Not Pleased
Posted in Human Interest

Study Reveals Jobless Feel Frustrated

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Delores Delgado, Under Assistant Secretary for the Obvious today held a joint news conference with NIH director Dr. Gary Carey, to announce results of a five year research project many found alarming and disturbing. Per the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Study Reveals Jobless Feel Frustrated
Posted in Sports

Stupid Adventure Girl Feared Safe

ANTOFAGASTA, Chile (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. OK, when that little boy climbed Everest, we thought it was sweet. He was with his Poppy, and there’s a mob of helpers and guides on…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Stupid Adventure Girl Feared Safe
Posted in Human Interest Politics

Unemployed Veteran Forgets Mother’s Birthday

BUFFALO, New York (GlossyNews) — In what Tri-State area Tea Party leaders are calling further evidence of our culture’s collapse, 38-year-old Lance Kilbane, an unemployed welder, has forgotten to honor his mother on her birthday. Speaking to reporters while completing…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Unemployed Veteran Forgets Mother’s Birthday
Posted in Biz News

Worried Investors Turn to Aluminum

Arkadelphia, AR (GlossyNews) — As fears of a sluggish recovery keep stock markets anemic, more investors are seeking safe haven in aluminum; a metal some call the new platinum. The shift comes as a surprise, even to Wall Street insiders….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Worried Investors Turn to Aluminum
Posted in Crime

Dutch Guy Murderer? Well, Duh…

Lima, Peru (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. Slime weasel Joran van der Sloot has been handed over to Peruvian authorities, because he finally killed a chica where there wasn’t no deep water around….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Dutch Guy Murderer? Well, Duh…
Posted in Religionism

Christian Group to Boycott Deviled Eggs

Sao Paulo, Brasil (GlossyNewsSA) Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. Patrons at “Betty’s Eat-n-Greet” in Bon Temps, Louisiana voiced mixed reactions today on learning controversial religious leader Fred Phelps is at it again in their neighborhood….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Christian Group to Boycott Deviled Eggs
Posted in Science & Technologizzy

Economy Causes Jupiter Cloud Downsizing

Boat-Upon-River, Oxfordshire, England, Great Britain (GlossyUKNews) — Professor Percy Hyde-Warf spoke from Oxford’s esteemed Council on Planetary Stuff this week on the planet Jupiter’s recent atmospheric changes. The CPS Director told reporters, “In short ladies and gentlemen, it’s those bloody…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Economy Causes Jupiter Cloud Downsizing
Posted in Society

Really Big Important News Story

Santiago, Chile (GlossyNews) — Posted by your new South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. In a Glossy News exclusive, Maria Lopez has learned there is a crazy conspiracy where Brazil, Turkey and Iran all want to get nuclear weapons….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Really Big Important News Story
Posted in Entertainment

Paul McCartney Ruled Dead

The Hague, Netherlands (GlossynEUs) — The EU Commission for Historicity today rendered a long awaited verdict on the status of Sir Paul McCartney. The EUCMA investigation was prompted after renewed controversy spawned by audio tapes purportedly from the late George…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Paul McCartney Ruled Dead
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Glossy News Names New South America Bureau Chief(s)

South America (GlossyNews) — Industry insiders are saying reclusive, mysterious media titan Brian K. White has struck again, in his seemingly relentless march to replace Rupert Murdoch as the planet’s leading purveyor of nonsense. In the wake of famed journalist…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Glossy News Names New South America Bureau Chief(s)
Posted in Human Interest

Glossy News Journalist Missing in South America

San Vincente, Bolivia (GlossyNews) — Reporters Without Borders spokesperson Kay O’Varian today announced fears about the fate of legendary Glossy News writer Blake Pennywhistle. “We all know Blake. He’s like an Edward R. Murrow in our profession, except half-drunk all…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Glossy News Journalist Missing in South America
Posted in Society

Furor Over Vampire-Werewolf Prom Date

May 19, 2010: Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South America correspondent in hiding. In addition to the ever present mosquitoes, the air is thick with tension in this peaceful Southern town, regarding next week’s Prom. The…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Furor Over Vampire-Werewolf Prom Date
Posted in Society

Truce Rumored in War Against Drugs

May 14, 2010: Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South American correspondent in hiding. It is still too early to speak definitively, but if that busboy is correct, the United States’ longest and most costly war is…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Truce Rumored in War Against Drugs
Posted in Society

Southern Tornado Kills Ten; Nobody Surprised

Deep South, USA (GlossyNews) — Governor Bailey Harbor today viewed the scene of last weekend’s worst storm devastation. “Yep, looks the same as every other tornado hit. I’ll get President Jug Ears on the phone; see if I can get…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Southern Tornado Kills Ten; Nobody Surprised
Posted in Travel

Studies Reveal: Brazil is Mostly Jungle

May 8, 2010: Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South American correspondent in hiding. In a Glossy News exclusive, this reporter has learned most of the population of Brazil is concentrated in coastal areas, and the land…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Studies Reveal: Brazil is Mostly Jungle
Posted in World News

Chavez and Castro Now Facebook Friends

Bogota North, Colombia (GlossyNews) — Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South American correspondent in hiding. Sources close to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez revealed a major diplomatic coup today; Fidel Castro has accepted Chavez’ friend request on…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Chavez and Castro Now Facebook Friends
Posted in Society

Arizona Gold Strike Rumored

Tucson, AZ (GlossyNews) — The mood was buoyant at this week’s Tucson Chamber of Commerce meeting. COC director Blaine Dillray addressed the recent astronomical increase in business spending. “Just goes to show that forecasts can be wrong; can’t argue with…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Arizona Gold Strike Rumored