Census Results Say ‘Those People’ Now a Majority

The 2010 Census results continue to be compiled by the world’s leading demographers and statisticians. Aiding in the research is the latest advance in super computer technology, developed in a joint effort between NASA and IBM.

Considered a quantum leap in computing speed, the Kinetic Intelligence Logarithm Re-Ordering Yin-Yang super computer is said to have a processing speed of 14 giga-tera bytes per nanosecond.

Questioned about the super computer’s odd name, NASA Director Sharon Love said, “I really don’t have time for this crap, all right? Budgets are tight. We had to outsource some development to China, and so we had to throw them a bone on the naming thing. That’s not important.

“What’s important is that KILROYY is here. Last week that computer simultaneously won on ‘Jeopardy’ and ‘The Price is Right’ and ‘Wheel of Fortune.’ We’re most proud of the ‘Wheel of Fortune’ performance though. Totally exceeded our expectations. KILROYY won a cruise to the Greek Isles AND Pat Sajak’s toupee. In analysis of 2010 Census results, KILROYY is proving of inestimable value, replacing the efforts of at least 2500 people who are now free to, well apply for unemployment benefits I suppose.”

Stakes are high in the decennial census mandated in the US Constitution. At issue is the redrawing of electoral districts in advance of 2012 Congressional elections. Although charges of Gerrymandering and court challenges are common, both major political parties agree off camera, there is just so much one can do with fraud and ‘waving the bloody shirt.’ The decennial census mostly determines the high ground advantage for each party.

While Hispanics were expected to see a sharp gain in the western states and a drop in those who believe Elvis is still alive was predicted, there has been one startling surprise in the KILROYY numbers so far. ‘Those People’ appear to be breeding like lab rats on Viagra.

“Yeah, it’s freaking weird” said Census Bureau lead demographer Percy Hyde-Worf. “Everybody seems to think ‘those people’ are screwing up this country. It’s kind of nebulous who they mean by ‘those people’ actually. Mostly people they’ve never met looks like. Ran it through KILROYY twice, and it says, well it’s complicated? If 89 percent of Americans believe ‘those people’ are ruining America, it means 117 percent of Americans are ‘those people.’ Doesn’t make any sense, but KILROYY said so; must be correct.”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

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