Shares of Wonka Foods International, the silent parent company of both Hershey and Nestle, opened sharply lower today as disturbing news reached Wall Street. It appears anti-collective bargaining legislation recently introduced in Wisconsin has spawned a backlash that now threatens the Wonka candy empire.
Sporadic sit down strikes have broken out like prairie wild fire at WFI plants in Costa Rica, Vietnam and Belgium. The news is seen as particularly troubling by market analysts, since it casts doubts on WFI’s ability to fill orders during the lucrative Easter season.
Speaking for investment titan Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, VP Gordon Gecko said, “Wonka stock is a definite sell right now. If they don’t sort this out in time for Halloween, they’ll probably have to give Arianna Huffington $300M. Why, I don’t know exactly, but that’s what everybody is doing lately.”
Compounding the uncertainty swirling around the mega-confectioner is a disturbing rumored fact: there seems to be no clear workforce leadership with whom to negotiate.
Reclusive, mysterious billionaire Willie Wonka spoke to Glossy News today in an attempt to halt the precipitous fall of WFI stock and dispel accusations of his disconnected leadership.
“Look, I’m just a normal guy. This paisley frock and the pink top hat, it sells candy. All this talk about me being out of touch is just that, a bunch of talk. I’m out on the factory floor at one of my plants at least once a week. I know what’s going on, but these sit down strikes would hit anybody by surprise. I’d pit my workforce against Cadbury’s any day, but there’s no denying they are weird little folks. They keep chanting ‘Oompa Loompa diggity doo, no pension plan, no candy for you.’ Just what the Hell is that supposed to mean?”
The reclusive, mysterious billionaire grew pensive in considering his company’s current challenges. “Sure, I feel a little hysterical right now. My stock is under water. I’m hysterical; now I’m wet, and I’m still hysterical! At WFI we’re the producers of fine candies consumed all over this world. But I care about my workers more than I care about the bottom line.”
Running his fingers through his hair, a visibly distraught Wonka said, “How was I supposed to know they’re having sit down strikes? They’re three feet tall. You think it’s easy knowing whether they’re standing up or sitting down?”