Labor Unrest Hits Candy Tycoon in the Sweet Spot

Shares of Wonka Foods International, the silent parent company of both Hershey and Nestle, opened sharply lower today as disturbing news reached Wall Street. It appears anti-collective bargaining legislation recently introduced in Wisconsin has spawned a backlash that now threatens the Wonka candy empire.

Sporadic sit down strikes have broken out like prairie wild fire at WFI plants in Costa Rica, Vietnam and Belgium. The news is seen as particularly troubling by market analysts, since it casts doubts on WFI’s ability to fill orders during the lucrative Easter season.

Speaking for investment titan Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, VP Gordon Gecko said, “Wonka stock is a definite sell right now. If they don’t sort this out in time for Halloween, they’ll probably have to give Arianna Huffington $300M. Why, I don’t know exactly, but that’s what everybody is doing lately.”

Compounding the uncertainty swirling around the mega-confectioner is a disturbing rumored fact: there seems to be no clear workforce leadership with whom to negotiate.

Reclusive, mysterious billionaire Willie Wonka spoke to Glossy News today in an attempt to halt the precipitous fall of WFI stock and dispel accusations of his disconnected leadership.

“Look, I’m just a normal guy. This paisley frock and the pink top hat, it sells candy. All this talk about me being out of touch is just that, a bunch of talk. I’m out on the factory floor at one of my plants at least once a week. I know what’s going on, but these sit down strikes would hit anybody by surprise. I’d pit my workforce against Cadbury’s any day, but there’s no denying they are weird little folks. They keep chanting ‘Oompa Loompa diggity doo, no pension plan, no candy for you.’ Just what the Hell is that supposed to mean?”

The reclusive, mysterious billionaire grew pensive in considering his company’s current challenges. “Sure, I feel a little hysterical right now. My stock is under water. I’m hysterical; now I’m wet, and I’m still hysterical! At WFI we’re the producers of fine candies consumed all over this world. But I care about my workers more than I care about the bottom line.”

Running his fingers through his hair, a visibly distraught Wonka said, “How was I supposed to know they’re having sit down strikes? They’re three feet tall. You think it’s easy knowing whether they’re standing up or sitting down?”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

6 thoughts on “Labor Unrest Hits Candy Tycoon in the Sweet Spot

  1. Rfreed you know I greatly respect your wit and passion, however?

    Yeah I know all about the Stouffer thing with the baby formula; I lived in an AZ college town in late 70’s when it was a popular cause.

    Why exactly do you think I’m going to make the world one bit better if I pass on Hershey’s dark chocolate?

    The people who made that Africa baby formula marketing call were woefully ignorant of end-user circumstances, leading to tragic results. They weren’t evil; they were just stupid. If I’m wrong on that, you give me evidence.

    Besides dude? The people who made that dumb call back then are either retired or dead now. My purchasing choices in 2011 won’t change what happened.

    However Rfreed, as usual, you’ve just given me a story idea.

  2. Well thanks for the comment skoob! You’re fortunate to have known someone who worked on a film that has yet to claim its rightful status in pantheon of childrens’ classics.

    “So shines a good deed in a dark world.”
    (Willie Wonka, Will Shakespeare)

  3. But my comment here is much more boring than the one about lynching the writer in the WWII vet article.

    I didn’t get the wet/hysterical bit until you mentioned the connection with ‘The Producers”. Very good.

    But don’t buy anything from Nestle and Wonka should distance himself from them. They are still asses for having sold baby milk formulas to African mothers in the ’60’s that they couldn’t afford and caused their babies to die (this is real).

  4. Loved the story LT

    The chap in the botttom right hand corner of the pic – I used to work with him. His name’s Albert. Great bloke.

    He told me that he had a great time making that movie, and that Gene Wilder was brilliant.

    Regards

    Skoob.

  5. Now THAT I appreciate! I’m just mostly a gag writer, and it was always moving towards not being able to tell if midgets were doing a sit-down strike.

    But Rfreed? The part about ‘I’m hysterical. Now I’m wet and hysterical!’ was my fave bit.

    “Springtime for Hitler and Germany…”

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