Government Unexpectedly Shut Down by Whiplash Epidemic

People who earn horse choking sums by predicting events that never come to pass find themselves choking in light of the current government shutdown.

Consensus among pundits had predicted an imminent budget showdown due to efforts of Democrats eager to portray the GOP as heartless, and freshmen Republicans ready to demonstrate their budget cutting bona fides. Nobody foresaw that government shutdown would come due to the hospitalization of the entire Senate and House of Representatives.

CDC researchers say the whiplash epidemic has taken a course that doesn’t fit any known disease models. Health experts are unable to say why this epidemic defies geography, or why some few are totally unaffected by the crippling malady.

Said Dr. Percy Hyde-Worf, “We think it started with Newt Gingrich, oddly enough. He was all for Libya intervention before Libya intervention started, and now of course he’s against it. Next day he woke up and only had about ten percent normal neck movement. From there they started dropping like flies. Nancy Pelosi is in full traction, poor dear. Keeps muttering ‘I’m against Iraq but for Libya, it’s not the same thing’ and she’s generally unresponsive to physical therapy.”

As the epidemic winds its cruel course through our nation’s capitol, researchers at Walter Reed Hospital are equally confused by those seemingly immune to ‘Whip-gate.’

Congressmen Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich remain healthy, and have used the government shutdown to play chess and seek areas of agreement between a stalwart Libertarian and a staunch Liberal. So far they are in consensus that Mr. Kucinich has a really smokin’ hot wife.

Befuddled pundits and politicians can only shake their heads, within their now vastly limited range of movement. All are in agreement it’s a good thing Ted Kennedy is dead, because this would kill him.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.