A visibly distraught NASA Director Sharon Love spoke to reporters this week about what she called ‘that stupid thing with space aliens.’
“Look, I seriously don’t have time for this. My assignment is outreach to the Muslim world, period. When the boss hears I’ve been doing ‘space crap’ it’s not going to be pretty. He’s not so lovey-dovey since ditching the Marlboros, I’ll tell you that. The President’s management style is a lot like LBJ with a bad hangover lately. But since there are flying saucers currently hovering over all major cities on Earth, it’s damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
Love briefly recounted what everybody already knows. Thousands of interstellar spacecraft arrived last weekend. The saucers are invisible to radar.
“They mistook the solar flare for some kind of emergency beacon. They’ve no concept of weekends though. When they arrived, there were no world leaders available so they apparently looked around and started doing stuff.”
The NASA Director described the space aliens as kind of a cross between a lobster and border collie, with a height of around 18 inches. “The little critters pack some serious mojo though; they had a busy weekend. The entire world’s nuclear arsenals have been disabled. Wheat is growing in Siberia and the Sahara desert. Nicolas Cage has been rendered unable to make any more movies. I really can’t figure how they managed the Nick Cage thing. We’ve had teams of scientists working on that one for years.”
Love was quick to dispel any optimism that an era of galactic cooperation is drawing near. “No, they’re really pissed off. And of course they don’t urinate via a system easily understood by humans, but they’re angry. They came in response to a distress signal, only to learn we haven’t mastered the basics of solar communication. They’re going home tomorrow, but don’t expect any Christmas cards. I was on Facebook with their leader yesterday. It called us a bunch of ‘glril fochbochs.’ We don’t know exactly what that means, but it sure didn’t sound complimentary. Our planet has been permanently un-Friended.”