Evangelicals Target Home Depot’s Despotism

To casual observers Kathy Klavan might seem just another middle class homemaker raising her children in this Atlanta suburb, but her heart burns with a defining passion. She wants Home Depot punished for its efforts to destroy America.

“Yeah, Calvin and I are very active in our community” said the attractive brunette from her Druid Hills home. “But I’m originally from the Chicago area, so I naturally take a wider view of what’s happening in our country.”

At issue for Ms. Klavan and a growing number of politically active evangelicals is what they call ‘Pro-Sodomy’ practices from Home Depot, a leading retailer in building supplies.

“If a Home Depot employee donates to Habitat for Humanity or some such, the company won’t match that contribution. It’s against company policy. Where they deviate is on behalf of deviants. Donations to the Council of Marriage Equality are fully matched. The CME is nothing but a radical group wanting to pervert the institution of marriage.”

Klavan went on to explain how she first became aware of the anti-Home Depot movement on Facebook and Christian radio, and its impact on her life.

“It’s just great to know you’re fighting against the dark forces intent on destroying our way of life. So wonderful interacting with other members of the group and planning strategy, it’s exhilarating really. Keeps you from feeling like you’re a hillbilly hostage slowly turning into a Stepford wife…uhm, I mean… would you like some more tea?”

Druid Hills Home Depot manager Scott Turlock was cautious in his appraisal of the anti-pro-sodomy movement. “Yeah I know Kathy, nice girl for a Yankee. I’ve got a business to run here. It’s a big company, they have thousands of policies; I can barely keep up with the junk that crosses my desk from corporate. It’s OK with me if Kathy and a few hundred other folks want to boycott Home Depot, if that’s what they have to do.”

Told of Turlock’s comments, Ms. Klavan was defiant, adamant and exhilarated. “If Scott wants to rationalize his participation in corrupting our youth, let him have his thirty pieces of silver. Our family won’t patronize Home Depot, even if it means Calvin driving all the way into Atlanta.”

Mr. Klavan could not be reached for comment. He was in the driveway, hurriedly transferring two gallons of ‘eggshell white’ into the Lowe’s bags he keeps in the trunk.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

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