NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE:
We rarely republish pieces at Glossy News, even though the ‘Glossy News Classics’ occasional series will feature some great work from our back catalogue. But this recent piece was so hilarious, we are publishing it again! And a couple of minutes, my humble follow-up will appear here at Glossy News. I am afraid it cannot measure up to Kilroy’s great story here: but hopefully both pieces will be very enjoyable…
Now, what on earth did I mean by that…
Greetings and salutations dysfunctional Western youth. God is great and so are you! We are ISIS and we are looking for a few good martyrs! Are you that special person who is destined to do great things for a great cause? Then we’re looking for you. Yes you! No, not you, the guy behind you. You there. You!
You didn’t stumble upon this website by accident. You were led here by a greater power. Isn’t that great? But enough polite western salutations and fragile ego stroking of weak infidels soon to die! Did we say that out loud? Sorry. Please allow us to to sing you a subliminal siren’s song about ten great reasons to join ISIS, with a Metallica sound track and nanosecond edited grotesque imagery at regular intervals.
1. Great Tax Breaks—As a member of ISIS you will no longer be required to pay taxes to the imperialist, godless devils of the United States of America. However we do require you make an occasional modest donation to the Martyr’s Fund, which we will use for hookers and booze right after you blow yourself up. Of course we realize such behavior makes us impure but we are willing to take one for the team. After all there is only so much room in Paradise.
2. Great Retirement Plan—Instead of the uncertainty that accompanies the economy you are currently enslaved to, ISIS provides a generous retirement plan for both you and your 72 virgins. Forget that pipe dream of ever owning an IRA and bingo on Wednesday nights… Tell McDonald’s to shove it and retire in the Gardens of Paradise with all of your friends.
3. Great Self Esteem—Feeling like an outsider and a nobody back in the United States? You should! Do you walk into a party and end up just a wallflower? That’s because you are an unbeliever who deserves no better! Pump up your self esteem. Be a big bloody splatter on that wall instead. Now THAT is an intro they’ll never forget!
4. Great Travel Opportunities—ISIS is a rapidly growing global organization with numerous positions all around the world. With a little initiative you never know were you’ll end up: Syria, Iraq, Libya. Did we mention Iraq? The list is endless. Do you look good in a vest? Can you follow orders without question? Do you believe in life after death for true believers? If you are highly vulnerable to circular logic then ISIS wants you….to blow yourself up. New openings daily.
5. Great Benefits—As part of our incentive program, we are granting the next 50 applicants for Martyrdom 2 free executions. That’s right FREE! This is a limited time offer. Normally in the backwaters of eastern Europe, the opportunity to torture and kill someone in a hostel with impunity costs $5000; maybe even $10,000. But for a limited time only ISIS is offering free executions just to thank you for joining. How can we afford to offer these kinds of executions for free? Volume. And we pass the savings on to you! Why are we doing this? Because we’re CRAAAAAAAZYYYYY!!!!
6. Great Economy–ISIS’s record on economic improvement are legendary. From smuggling oil into the Black Market to creating back issue comic book shortages, the ISIS business model is robust. In mere days after ISIS occupies an area the economy immediately improves. The unemployment rate plummets and productivity increases. Why? Because ISIS creates jobs.
The ambitious quest to occupy an entire region requires manpower. ISIS puts people to work. Whether it is digging graves or putting people in them we kill more people before nine o’clock than the Mexican Drug Cartels kill all day. Come join us. We won’t even pay you. That would wreck the economy.
7. Great Political System– Since ISIS is not technically socialism, the spoils of looting are not required to trickle down to the minion ranks. That would be you. Looting ancient relics and raiding entire regions is extremely profitable. Since ISIS is also Anti-Capitalist we are confounded schizophrenic lunatics simultaneously appalled by our own financial success. In a coping mechanism we immediately begin destruction of all systems and artifacts that make us feel stupid. That’s pretty much everything. Are you a crazy fucker? ISIS is for you.
8. Great Companionship—Especially if you’re cute. We blow up the ugly ones.
9. Great Social Network Exposure–ISIS has great media presence, cornering the market on jihad publicity and advertising. Our ability to recruit gullible confused kids with fast internet connections and too much time on their hands in unrivaled. We get more clicks than Obamacare.
Furthermore, ISIS has consistently remained in the top ten trending subjects for the past three years. Its brand recognition ranks just under Ronald McDonald. Death to Ronald McDonald!!! It has remained the number 6 search engine parameter since late 2015 beating out “2016 election” and “suicide”.
Obviously ISIS knows its way around the Net and has mad SEO skills. Are you tired of your blog getting only spam? Are you looking for a audience? Do you want a site that actually gets hits? Does the idea of sending unsuspecting dupes to a horrible death excite you? Then zip up your pants and join ISIS. It’s all about the ‘likes,’ right?
10. Great Community Respect—ISIS is cool and hip. We seduce you through your own media and entertainment. We can chat with you about everything from Justine Bieber to ZZ Top. But not Sia or Lady Gaga, those filthy whores!!!
Get the respect you dream of, the respect you deserve. Although most of that will be posthumous, at least you finally got it instead of dying the total loser you started out. But don’t believe us, believe this remixed, reedited and subliminal version of a popular ZZ Top song we do not understand but will play for you anyway:
“Bloody shirt….no shoes. You won’t know where you’re going to.
White robes, no tie. They see you coming, know they’re gonna die.
They go running just as fast as they can.
Cause all the girls crazy ’bout a martyr, man!”
So join ISIS today. Or die a pussy tomorrow.