Month: August 2013
Kids Singing Endless Road Song About to Be Amber Alerts
You remember that song you sang as a kid to drive the bus driver crazy? Well yeah, imagine it’s that one, except it’s with your parents, and that there’s literally no way for them to get away from you.
UN Demands That United States Drop ‘United’ From Their Name
The UN Council has put forth a petition demanding that the United States of America drop the term ‘United’ from their name due to the partisan bickering between conservative and liberal elements that has divided the nation. Chief UN Spokesman…
Major banks agree to principle reduction, lower interest
U.S. homeowners struggling to make payments on mortgages worth as much as three times the value of their home were astonished to learn that their banks had decided to offer principle reduction and lower interest. “We’ve been negotiating for years…
Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary
INDIANAPOLIS – An inner city accounting firm has terminated the contract of one of its senior staff members after it was discovered that the 39-year-old had violated both the terms of his contract and the company’s female secretary. Michael Joyner…
ProTip: Cool Overly Hot Coffee by Holding it out the Window (comic)
While this lovely bit of fiction didn’t actually happen with my children, as they graciously allowed me to portray, it did happen with a group of friends about 15 years ago. J-Dizzle had just taken the wheel, and I’d just…
Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time
INDIANAPOLIS – Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays…
Man Picks Up Own Litter Like Some Kind of Superhero
COLUMBUS, OH—On Tuesday, stunned witnesses reported seeing a man picking up a cheeseburger wrapper and placing it in the trash after he had attempted to toss it into a nearby receptacle and missed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything…
Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party
INDIANAPOLIS – A cocktail party took just two hours to deteriorate into a fledgling political party Monday, after the event’s laid-back atmosphere took on a more serious and philosophical tone. Guests arrived at The Hilton Indianapolis Hotel in buoyant mood,…
Stupid Non-Depressed Roommate Walking Around, Doing Stuff
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Area man and local depressive Adam Holt reported that his “stupid roommate is just, like, walking around… doing stuff.” “How can he do that?” wondered Holt. Holt took advantage of his ideal observation point on the living room sofa,…
Business Lesson #83: What to do when your customers complain
Corporations do a lot of things well, but one thing that some of them could use a little help with is how to say I’m sorry when they screw up. Historically, like George Bush, most companies are not very good…