Year: 2012
UK Says Battering Ram Unlikely In Assange Case
UK officials insist they are not considering a battering ram against the front door of the Ecuador Embassy in London, where Julian Assange’s asylum has recently been extended to the country of Ecuador itself. It’s important, UK officials say, to…
Biden to be Replaced on Democratic Ticket by Complete Unknown
Washington, D.C. – A top Obama aide called Bob van der Valk today to ask him to consider replacing Vice President Joe Biden, claims the author of the New York Times bestseller “The Amateur.” Efforts to reach the potential new…
2012 Campaign Issues for Dummies
For those of us having a hard time keeping up with the issues this election year there’s welcome help on the horizon. John Wiley and Sons, Inc. released the latest in their series of voter issue references entitled, Campaign Issues…
FBI Paints Up, Infiltrates Insane Clown Posse
The F.B.I. reports that they have their hands full with the notorious street gang, the Juggalos aka Insane Clown Posse (ICP) fans. The Bureau defines ICP fans as a “loosely-organized hybrid gang,” that “exhibits gang-like behavior and engages in criminal…
Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku
Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened. Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who…
Batmobus?
Proving that we can all have car trouble from time to time Gotham City’s central bus route was graced with the presence of the Dark Knight himself, Batman. It has been reported that at about 9:45pm the Bat signal could…
Rupert Murdoch Will NOT Visit An Ashram
A spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch was asked yesterday for Mr. Murdock’s response to Paul Ryan as candidate for GOP vice-president, and received the reply, “Right! Absolutely right!” Murdoch apparently credits Ryan for saving a tottering Romney, tweeting “Thank God!” in…
Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War
Pentagon worried about ability to defend nation against improbable attack by indeterminate enemy. WASHINGTON – Facing potential budget cuts of $1 trillion over ten years as a result of the U.S. Congress’s failure to agree on a deficit reduction plan,…
UK Coalition Sharing Like Sisters
Desperate to quash rumours of further cracks in the UK government the first coalition in 65 years has released a statement ensuring the continuing cooperation of the two parties. The statement from Number 10 Downing Street, issued this morning, says…
U.S. Congress Sets Fixed Price on Free Speech
A bill explicitly stating that American citizens will be allocated 1 second of free speech for every $10,000 they make a year has made its way through the Senate subcommittee process. The following is the official transcript of the final…