UK Says Battering Ram Unlikely In Assange Case

UK officials insist they are not considering a battering ram against the front door of the Ecuador Embassy in London, where Julian Assange’s asylum has recently been extended to the country of Ecuador itself.

It’s important, UK officials say, to note the importance of this case, and what a dangerous criminal Assange is. He is being investigated for deliberately breaking not one, but two, condoms in his affairs with two Swedish women.

No charges have been brought against him, but it’s imperative the Swedes get him to their own country for the proper investigation.

The women in question have remained mute, although it is known they continued to party with Assange well after the collapse of the protective apparatus during their merry-making. UK police are constantly on alert around the Ecuador Embassy, but the battering ram will not be used—at this time.

However, there are political dimensions underlying the scenario, leading some officials to have itchy battering-ram fingers to get at Assange. His audacious release of the Wikileaks cables has caused severe heart-murmurs, blanched cheeks, awkward indigestion, and disclosure of secrets that should have been kept decently under wraps for the civilized and democratic leading western societies.

Thus, it is politically correct and feasible for these UK officials to continue working on the idea of taking a battering ram to the front door of the Ecuador Embassy, and this ploy has not been totally discarded.

An official spokesperson who requested anonymity stated, “After all, the guardians of civilization have an obligation to defend the world and keep it safe and wholesome.” This spokesperson added, “US officials are fully in sympathy with this thinking, and consider it honorable.”

Author: joseph k winter

5 thoughts on “UK Says Battering Ram Unlikely In Assange Case

  1. To be clear, I fully support Assange. I don’t see the point of demonizing him. Satirizing him, let’s have it. The “criminal problems” have been cooked up for political purposes. His no. 1 problem is facilitating exposure of the rotten little secrets around the world that weren’t supposed to come out. As far as I know that’s not “criminal” unless you reside in such places as Russia, Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, and apparently also the USA.

  2. I strongly support Wikileaks, but I run from Julian Assange. He’s a loon. He’s trying to make his own criminal problems go away because he’s an important person, and that’s not how it works. Ask Kobe, Iron Mike, Bernie Madoff or Martha Stewart. Don’t ask Scooter Libby though, that would just confuse him.

  3. Yeah, tar and feather would be about as archaic as we could get, all right, considering there’s no civil charge in this case, and it’s all political intimidation from supposedly advanced countries, including the US, for a reporter doing his job.

  4. The battering ram is about as archaic as their justice system over there. That’s what perplexes me with this case. In the old days, they just tar and feather a cad like Assange and run him out of town on a rail. Now it’s like they’re going all Noreiga on Johnny Winter.

    I guess those leaks were truer than they’re letting on, eh?

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