Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth

“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist?

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.” Read more Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth

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Humor Blog Owes Success to Worldwide Spammers

ROCKY MOUNT, NC – A 37-year old unemployed factory worker turned humor blogger is reportedly thrilled by recent praise his previously unknown humor blog has received. Avowed bachelor and longtime fan of Wheel of Fortune, Buford Quigley told reporters today that he is “as happy as a dead pig in sunshine” over the overwhelming positive response his humor blog is receiving – almost exclusively from internet spammers. Read more Humor Blog Owes Success to Worldwide Spammers

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Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels

NEW YORK CITY —GLOSSYNEWS The AARP has publicly called for the immediate, complete and total eradication of cantaloupe farming in Colorado. The state has now admitted to officials that it shipped tens, if not hundreds of thousands of the mountainous, listeria-laced fruit bombs to at least 10 states where the death toll is rising among the elderly. Listeria generally sickens older people—the median age in the recent 4–6 possible deaths is 81. Read more Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels

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Sociologists Claim Geniuses Will Take Over World by 2040

Psychologists have recently discovered a disturbing strain of statistically abnormal humans living among us. Allegedly, these genetic mutants have advanced intelligence with I.Q.’s towering as much as 80 points above the rest of us normal people. They have been tentatively dubbed “geniuses.”

At this point it is not clear whether the geniuses were engineered by a diabolical Frankenstein somewhere, or if perhaps, they just sprang up from the depths of chaos theory. Read more Sociologists Claim Geniuses Will Take Over World by 2040

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Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole

Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice driver, but I realized I just have low self esteem,” said Franklin, laying down on the hood of his car. “Whenever I let people go, I always assume that their destination is way more important than mine.” Read more Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole

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Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m. Read more Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

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Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats

Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t really hate anybody. Except for the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada” song; he should be water boarded. Read more Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats

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