Posted in Human Interest

Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth

“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth
Posted in Human Interest Internets Tubes

Humor Blog Owes Success to Worldwide Spammers

ROCKY MOUNT, NC – A 37-year old unemployed factory worker turned humor blogger is reportedly thrilled by recent praise his previously unknown humor blog has received. Avowed bachelor and longtime fan of Wheel of Fortune, Buford Quigley told reporters today…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Humor Blog Owes Success to Worldwide Spammers
Posted in Top Stories

Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels

NEW YORK CITY —GLOSSYNEWS The AARP has publicly called for the immediate, complete and total eradication of cantaloupe farming in Colorado. The state has now admitted to officials that it shipped tens, if not hundreds of thousands of the mountainous,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels
Posted in Human Interest

Sociologists Claim Geniuses Will Take Over World by 2040

Psychologists have recently discovered a disturbing strain of statistically abnormal humans living among us. Allegedly, these genetic mutants have advanced intelligence with I.Q.’s towering as much as 80 points above the rest of us normal people. They have been tentatively…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Sociologists Claim Geniuses Will Take Over World by 2040
Posted in Human Interest

Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole

Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole
Posted in Crime Human Interest

Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists
Posted in Politics

Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats

Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats
Posted in News In Your Briefs

GlossyNews Launches Hostile Takeover of The Onion

Around 3:00AM this morning, editors and contributors of GlossyNews snuck into The Onion’s corporate office. Armed with biting words and keen wit they successfully carried out a hostile takeover. As of this morning, all news originating from TheOnion’s website and…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! GlossyNews Launches Hostile Takeover of The Onion
Posted in Politics

Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs

Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date

Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date. “It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date
Posted in Science

Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report

After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report
Posted in Health

UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils

Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths. LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils
Posted in Biz News

Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement

BATTLE CREEK, MI – America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Politics

Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next

Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next
Posted in Politics

The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th

Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th
Posted in Religionism

Camping Not Sure How He Missed Predicting Own Stroke

SOUTH OAKLAND, CA —Glossy News Harold Camping [the American Christian radio host who falsely prophesied that the world would end on May 21] suffered a stroke in June but is slowly recovering. Acting on God’s advice, he will soon be…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Camping Not Sure How He Missed Predicting Own Stroke
Posted in Society

The Take Back America Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit

Does the depressed economy have you feeling DOWN!!!!??? Are you concerned because our government can’t seem to solve our spiraling debt crisis? Confused about how to end the stalemate between Republicans and Democrats over how to restore America’s former greatness…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! The Take Back America Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit
Posted in Politics Top Stories

Homeless Economist Doubts Change in Fed Monetary Policy Can Save Him

WASHINGTON – Embattled Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke’s position on the limited ability of the Fed to stimulate the nation’s sluggish economy was vigorously defended today by a homeless and badly undernourished former expert on monetary policy. Arthur Peterson, a 58-year-old unemployed…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Homeless Economist Doubts Change in Fed Monetary Policy Can Save Him
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Paranormal Group Explains Evil in Kate Gosselin Home

What began as a routine house cleansing by a local group of paranormal experts called in by Kate Gosselin to rid her home of some negative energy, turned into a blame game between Gosselin and the people trying to help…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Paranormal Group Explains Evil in Kate Gosselin Home
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Michele Bachmann Claims God Sometimes Tells Her to Say Stupid Things

Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Michele Bachmann Claims God Sometimes Tells Her to Say Stupid Things
Posted in Human Interest

Man Experiences Superhuman Strength And Lifts Remote

Clearwater, FL—Local Comcast technician, Mike Haynes, reportedly experienced superhuman strength after nine hours of television on Saturday. Between the eye strain and sore arm muscles from lifting over 18 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Haynes wasn’t sure if he’d have…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Man Experiences Superhuman Strength And Lifts Remote
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Bernanke Claims Quantity Not Quality Goal of New Stimulus Plan

In a shocking move this morning, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced yet another new plan to stimulate the US economy with what has been labelled ‘Quantative Easing Number Six Thousand Eight Hundred and Forty Seven.’ “Clearly the other six…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Bernanke Claims Quantity Not Quality Goal of New Stimulus Plan
Posted in Politics

Rationalist Party Nominates Neil deGrasse Tyson for President

This afternoon, after polling the five thousand intelligent and educated people in the United States, the recently-formed Rationalist Party announced its nomination of Neil deGrasse Tyson for President. The Rationalist Party was formed in early 2010 by fellows of the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Rationalist Party Nominates Neil deGrasse Tyson for President
Posted in Biz News Politics

Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn

New York, NY– On wall street today, the opening bell signaled one of the institution’s more macabre traditions, releasing the invisible hand, to determine whether it can see its own shadow or not. This tradition dates back to Adam Smith’s…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn
Posted in Top Stories

Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Labor Day Cancelled
Posted in Technology Top Stories

WikiLeaks Apologizes for Accidentally Releasing Everyone’s E-mail

LONDON – The anti-secrecy organization WikiLeaks  today issued a public apology for what it termed a “programming error” that resulted in the accidental release of all deleted messages of the world’s e-mail users. “We sincerely regret this error,” WikiLeaks founder…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! WikiLeaks Apologizes for Accidentally Releasing Everyone’s E-mail
Posted in Making Headlines

New Research Shows Bible is True; Scientists Give Up

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

WTF?! Click now to find out more! New Research Shows Bible is True; Scientists Give Up
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Glossy News Rumor Mill on the Fritz

Glossy News is usually the first to get all the news that is fit to print out there for everyone in a somewhat timely manner. However, due to mechanical failures which have occurred in the past couple of weeks, the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Glossy News Rumor Mill on the Fritz
Posted in Health

California Bans Bacon

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! California Bans Bacon
Posted in Science

Amateur Astronomer finds Hell in Space

It started out as a normal night for amateur astronomer Rick Saty last Wednesday evening. After setting up his 14-inch reflector telescope in his backyard and collimating it (a process in which the lenses are adjusted to bring them all…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Amateur Astronomer finds Hell in Space