NEW YORK CITY —GLOSSYNEWS The AARP has publicly called for the immediate, complete and total eradication of cantaloupe farming in Colorado. The state has now admitted to officials that it shipped tens, if not hundreds of thousands of the mountainous, listeria-laced fruit bombs to at least 10 states where the death toll is rising among the elderly. Listeria generally sickens older people—the median age in the recent 4–6 possible deaths is 81.
While the shipping was carried out by a number of undocumented semi-trailers in full view on the nation’s Interstate highways, there is currently no evidence of a national collusion of states against all older folk. Just the one state, Colorado, is implicated.
AARP however, is considering lodging suits against the states whose borders were crossed by the Interstate Highway System, which was used to transport the deadly fruit bombs. This implication by border crossing is a new angle for the AARP which previously was on record as being on the side of the Interstate System for the elderly to travel. The Interstate Highway System (IHS) has come on board by hiring David Eisenhower as lead attorney and lobbyist for the IHS in the proposed lawsuit.
AARP’s spokesman said that “Normally, we at AARP are at the forefront of elderly travel in the US. Millions of our members have become nationalistic camper and van owners traversing the country looking for a Tea Party to go to. But the Colorado Cantaloupe Caper has put a stop to our members’ travels for the time being. This is a pre-election year and we have to be assured that our members can go to any Tea Party they want.”
Melons are usually not the normal carrier of the disease. That generally falls to deli meats and soft cheeses, which seem to be more palatable to the bacteria’s delicate tastes. However, in 2009 and 2010 there were some sprouts and celery outbreaks, opening a new hosting concept for the bacteria to ride on. It is thought that the listeria bacteria made its acquaintances with the cantaloupe via previous travels with sprouts and celery. The AARP’s spokesman said it succinctly, “Everybody wants in on the action.”
In a side issue: Amazingly, politics and death make strange bedfellows. It has been learned that the legal work for the AARP lawsuits will be underwritten by Americans for Prosperity, a right wing group funded entirely by the Koch brothers, both of whom are well past the normal retirement age of 65. Neither of these men owns a camper, van or travel trailer according to the states of Kansas and New York where they respectively reside. Neither Charles or David would comment for this writing, so we didn’t ask.