Month: September 2011
Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report
After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago…
UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils
Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths. LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of…
Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement
BATTLE CREEK, MI – America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan…
Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next
Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it…
The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th
Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going…
Camping Not Sure How He Missed Predicting Own Stroke
SOUTH OAKLAND, CA —Glossy News Harold Camping [the American Christian radio host who falsely prophesied that the world would end on May 21] suffered a stroke in June but is slowly recovering. Acting on God’s advice, he will soon be…
The Take Back America Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit
Does the depressed economy have you feeling DOWN!!!!??? Are you concerned because our government can’t seem to solve our spiraling debt crisis? Confused about how to end the stalemate between Republicans and Democrats over how to restore America’s former greatness…
Homeless Economist Doubts Change in Fed Monetary Policy Can Save Him
WASHINGTON – Embattled Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke’s position on the limited ability of the Fed to stimulate the nation’s sluggish economy was vigorously defended today by a homeless and badly undernourished former expert on monetary policy. Arthur Peterson, a 58-year-old unemployed…
Paranormal Group Explains Evil in Kate Gosselin Home
What began as a routine house cleansing by a local group of paranormal experts called in by Kate Gosselin to rid her home of some negative energy, turned into a blame game between Gosselin and the people trying to help…
Michele Bachmann Claims God Sometimes Tells Her to Say Stupid Things
Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain…