Month: January 2010
Pope Declares God Not Dead, Only on Vacation
Speaking ex cathedra from the Vatican today, Pope Benedict XVI, in response to the many rumors that God (aka The Almighty, Yahweh, Allah, Bhagwan, etc.) is dead, attempted to clarify the Global situation and put the rumors to rest once…
All White-All American Sports Venues Outlaw Ethnic Snacks
With the advent of all white, American-only teams in the near future, many sports venues have followed suit by removing any snacks that originated in any country other than America. That means, hamburgers, originally from Hamburg, Germany and hot dogs,…
McDonald’s Introduces the McWineCooler
In a bid to remain the #1 burger chain in the world, McDonald’s has announced that it will start selling wine coolers at its South Beach locations in Miami beginning the middle of March, 2010, just in time for spring…
Conservatives Quickly Devise Cheap Plan to Counter Obamacare
The conservative parties of America have realized that they need to come up with a new health care system or stand in danger of losing the millions they have invested in the dysfunctional system that is being assailed by the…
Miracle Water Diet Courtesy of Texas Spring Water Co.
Thirty-five years ago, you wouldn’t have been able to tell Joe P. Freely that he’d someday get rich selling bottled water, but today, it’s money that’s flowing from Freely’s diet spring water business in Big Spring, Texas. “Your Nation Natural…
Devil Sues Pat Robertson for Breach of Contract
A lawsuit filed by the devil in a Virginia district court claims that Pat Robertson is the party with an actual contractual relationship with Satan. Virginia Beach – The devil filed a lawsuit in the Virginia Beach district court on…
Weight Watchers Weigh-in Brings Building to its Knobby Knees
Friday, a near tragedy occurred in the south central town of Vaxjo, Sweden when the participants in a Weight Watchers group were subjected to a structural failure of the building they were using. During a routine weigh-in to determine the…
World’s First Pregnant Man Opts for Abortion
Berlin (GlossyNews) — The first man to be able to successfully conceive, carry and naturally deliver a child, announced today that he will have an abortion, four months in to his pregnancy. Abel Boustard, 27, from the small town of…
Horoscopes by Catman, Dude
Welcome once again to the astrological stylings of Catman, Dude—the only seer who is not afraid to ask, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Mr. Dude is an award-winning prognosticator who is half-cat, half-human, and half-assed. The Dude’s…
Dick Cheney Tapped to Fill Retiring Satan’s Seat
In a surprise move Sunday, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, announced his retirement citing that after thousands of years of initiating pestilence, wars, catastrophes and general mayhem, he was ready for a break. “The job wears you down.” the Great…